Meg: Predicts a good lie-in for us all on Sunday

If you’re after a Premier League predictions column dedicated solely to our top-flight London clubs and involving some bizarre analogies at the expense of any actual ‘punditry’, then you’re in the right place. Welcome.

Here’s what almost certainly won’t happen this weekend.

Arsenal vs West Brom

Ok, let’s say you’re a Sea Life centre. You draw big crowds due to your world-renowned trick performing creatures. There’s Barry the juggling seal, Timmy the back-flipping whale and Kevin the Sinatra-singing otter.

The rest of your creatures just sort of swim around their tanks eating and occasionally jumping through a hoop, and – whilst they provide mild entertainment – your Sea Life centre would just be a bit ‘meh’ without the big guns.

This is the problem Arsenal are having. Barry the seal (Fabregas) and Timmy the whale (Nasri) are gone, and it’s up to a remarkable Sinatra-singing otter (Van Persie) to draw a crowd – which he obviously does, because he’s remarkable.

Trouble is though, this is an otter prone to a sore throat and Tuesday was a stark reminder to Arsenal fans of what things will be like if he is struck down with his traditional bout of laryngitis.

That said; as long as he keeps a clean bill of health I fully expect him to continue wowing the crowds.

Verdict: 3-0

Blackburn vs Chelsea

If Chelsea needed Didier Drogba for just one game a season, it’d be this one.

I say that because Fernando Torres is going to absolutely hate this. It’ll be like plucking a soft little rabbit from his lovely daisy-scattered meadow in Wiltshire, and plonking him right into the heart of a gang war in South Central LA.

There hopefully won’t be any bullets involved tomorrow, but Torres is bound to experience horrible weather, aerial balls, no time to play and Chris Samba’s knee in his back for 90 minutes. Make no mistake, this will be very tough and very nasty for Chelsea.

John Terry will probably enjoy it though.

Verdict: 1-1

QPR vs Man City

Have you ever been in the situation where you bump into an ex-girlfriend at a party, only to notice that she’s gone way over the top on the outfit in some sort of desperate bid to make you regret ditching her?

No? Me neither. I’ve seen it on Eastenders though.

Anyway, Joey Barton and Shaun Wright-Phillips will probably do that on Sunday. Not the outfit bit, but the effort level.

It won’t make a difference.

Verdict: 1-3

Fulham vs Spurs

When Martin Jol was manager of Tottenham, the Spurs fans used to sing ‘he’s got no hair, but we don’t care, Martin Martin Jol’.

I do wonder though, will the Spurs faithful care about the Dutchman’s unfortunate follicular situation now that he’s no longer their manager? Will they turn up on Sunday afternoon and taunt him, perhaps in some sort of musical ode to Harry Rednknapp’s flowing locks?

I’m not sure how exactly that would go, but I can’t see it happening. Jol was adored at Spurs and – with a large away contingent in the Putney end – I reckon this match will have the feel of big, lovely televised reunion from start to finish.

Like a decent episode of ‘This Is Your Life’, but with the added bonus of plenty of free-flowing football.

Verdict: 2-2

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The decision to run a series of great football speeches digitally remastered by Darth Vader was a pretty easy one. However, deciding which speech should be the Dark Lord of the Sith’s first assignment was even easier.

Everyone remembers this explosion by Kevin Keegan. He was so angry that he actually made less sense than the plot to Hollyoaks. I mean, what does ‘when you do things like that about a man like Stuart Pearce’ actually mean?

Take it away Darth…

Last month he delivered a passionate ode to Premier League new-boys Queens Park Rangers, and here it is digitally re-mastered.

All hail.

Don’t ask why, just click here to see if you can find him…