Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Messi: Subway, McDonalds and Pret are fast food’s best

Posted by eddiev18 on March 16, 2012

Messi: Take heed and ye shall see the light

Barcelona’s Lionel Messi today named his top three fast food restaurants as Subway, McDonalds and UK sandwich chain Prêt A Manger.

The announcement was Messi’s second revelation in as many days, increasing speculation that he has begun pandering to a worryingly large proportion of the United Kingdom who, in the absence of any discernible English talent, now see him as some sort of God-like prophet.

Ben Dwayne, from Rotherham, reasoned: “This man is clearly not of this world. He is a miracle, I tell you, and a time will come when he will pass judgment on us all.  We must prepare for this moment and take heed of his words today.

“We are a simple people. All we want is guidance – answers to the important questions life poses.

“Who is the best player in our humble league? Where should I have my lunch? What is the best iphone app? Shit like that.

“Lionel will guide us though the shadowy pitfalls and into the light.”

Widespread hysteria following Messi’s comments has led to the Argentine declaring that he will reveal a new ‘top three’ every day for the foreseeable future.

Future words of guidance will range from the top three tracks to play when stuck in a traffic jam to a trio of ways to kill a crocodile with your bare hands.

A spokesman for Cristiano Ronaldo reacted: “He’s doing what now?! Oh, for christ’s sake, so now he’s supposed to be some sort of all-knowing deity is he?

“It’s ridiculous, especially given that he still hasn’t proved he can do it on a cold January evening in Stoke.

“Oh, and he’s shit at headers too.”


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Briatore: “I am the perfect candidate for the England job”

Posted by eddiev18 on March 9, 2012

Briatore: Not in the slightest bit big time

Former QPR chairman Flavio Briatore today sensationally declared his interest in the vacant England manager’s position.

Following the airing of a documentary this week which revealed the true extent of the Italian’s hands-on style in the Rangers’ board room, Briatore believes that he is the outstanding candidate.

In a statement he revealed: “I think that what you see in the documentary is a man with passion for the game, and that is what England needs. Plus, I will always play with two strikers because you won’t ever win if you can’t put the ball in the net. It will be four four two, four four two, four four two every time.

“England have gone through all of these idiots over the years. What they need now is a strong man, someone uncompromising. Someone like me.”

Briatore’s main competition for the job looks likely to be Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp, but the former Renault F1 manager has his concerns: “Harry has done well, but look at what has happened to him over the years.

“When he started as a manager he’d wear his tracksuit every week, but now look at him. It’s all designer suits, walking around with his hand in his pocket like he’s bloody Jose Mourinho or something. He thinks he’s big time these days.

“I, on the other hand, drive a Ford Fiesta and have never courted an underwear model in my life.”

Asked about his plans for the team, Briatore was adamant: “Whatever we do, Gavin Mahon is definitely playing centre mid. Did you see that bit in the film where I was screaming for him to come on?

“Yeah, well he scored didn’t he? The winner.

“England just needs to relax and trust in old Flavio. He knows what he’s doing.”

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Premier League Predictions: 26/27th November

Posted by eddiev18 on November 25, 2011

Read my Friday predictions column on London 24 by clicking here. It might even help you win the lottery!

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Premier League Predictions: 5/6th November

Posted by eddiev18 on November 7, 2011

Meg: Predicts a good lie-in for us all on Sunday

If you’re after a Premier League predictions column dedicated solely to our top-flight London clubs and involving some bizarre analogies at the expense of any actual ‘punditry’, then you’re in the right place. Welcome.

Here’s what almost certainly won’t happen this weekend.

Arsenal vs West Brom

Ok, let’s say you’re a Sea Life centre. You draw big crowds due to your world-renowned trick performing creatures. There’s Barry the juggling seal, Timmy the back-flipping whale and Kevin the Sinatra-singing otter.

The rest of your creatures just sort of swim around their tanks eating and occasionally jumping through a hoop, and – whilst they provide mild entertainment – your Sea Life centre would just be a bit ‘meh’ without the big guns.

This is the problem Arsenal are having. Barry the seal (Fabregas) and Timmy the whale (Nasri) are gone, and it’s up to a remarkable Sinatra-singing otter (Van Persie) to draw a crowd – which he obviously does, because he’s remarkable.

Trouble is though, this is an otter prone to a sore throat and Tuesday was a stark reminder to Arsenal fans of what things will be like if he is struck down with his traditional bout of laryngitis.

That said; as long as he keeps a clean bill of health I fully expect him to continue wowing the crowds.

Verdict: 3-0

Blackburn vs Chelsea

If Chelsea needed Didier Drogba for just one game a season, it’d be this one.

I say that because Fernando Torres is going to absolutely hate this. It’ll be like plucking a soft little rabbit from his lovely daisy-scattered meadow in Wiltshire, and plonking him right into the heart of a gang war in South Central LA.

There hopefully won’t be any bullets involved tomorrow, but Torres is bound to experience horrible weather, aerial balls, no time to play and Chris Samba’s knee in his back for 90 minutes. Make no mistake, this will be very tough and very nasty for Chelsea.

John Terry will probably enjoy it though.

Verdict: 1-1

QPR vs Man City

Have you ever been in the situation where you bump into an ex-girlfriend at a party, only to notice that she’s gone way over the top on the outfit in some sort of desperate bid to make you regret ditching her?

No? Me neither. I’ve seen it on Eastenders though.

Anyway, Joey Barton and Shaun Wright-Phillips will probably do that on Sunday. Not the outfit bit, but the effort level.

It won’t make a difference.

Verdict: 1-3

Fulham vs Spurs

When Martin Jol was manager of Tottenham, the Spurs fans used to sing ‘he’s got no hair, but we don’t care, Martin Martin Jol’.

I do wonder though, will the Spurs faithful care about the Dutchman’s unfortunate follicular situation now that he’s no longer their manager? Will they turn up on Sunday afternoon and taunt him, perhaps in some sort of musical ode to Harry Rednknapp’s flowing locks?

I’m not sure how exactly that would go, but I can’t see it happening. Jol was adored at Spurs and – with a large away contingent in the Putney end – I reckon this match will have the feel of big, lovely televised reunion from start to finish.

Like a decent episode of ‘This Is Your Life’, but with the added bonus of plenty of free-flowing football.

Verdict: 2-2

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Great Football Speeches, digitally remastered by Darth Vader

Posted by eddiev18 on October 19, 2011

#1 Kevin Keegan would ‘love it’

The decision to run a series of great football speeches digitally remastered by Darth Vader was a pretty easy one. However, deciding which speech should be the Dark Lord of the Sith’s first assignment was even easier.

Everyone remembers this explosion by Kevin Keegan. He was so angry that he actually made less sense than the plot to Hollyoaks. I mean, what does ‘when you do things like that about a man like Stuart Pearce’ actually mean?

Take it away Darth…

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Mick’s Musings: Mick’s passionate ode to QPR

Posted by eddiev18 on October 14, 2011

Mick McCarthy is full of inspirational words. He’s a man worth listening to.

Last month he delivered a passionate ode to Premier League new-boys Queens Park Rangers, and here it is digitally re-mastered.

All hail.

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Premier League Predictions: 15/16th October

Posted by eddiev18 on October 14, 2011

Read my Friday predictions column on London 24 by clicking here.

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Roman Pavlyuchenko In ‘Where’s Wally’ Career Change

Posted by eddiev18 on October 11, 2011

Part of the podcast work I do for Fantasy League involves creating a ‘Where’s Wally’ style game with Roman Pavlyuchenko.

Don’t ask why, just click here to see if you can find him

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Premier League Predictions: 1st/2nd October

Posted by eddiev18 on September 30, 2011

Read my Friday predictions column on London 24 by clicking here.

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Shit Microsoft Paint Cartoon Of The Week: Fergie Adds TV To Burn List

Posted by eddiev18 on September 27, 2011

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