Microsoft Paint Stories Of The Week – World Cup Looks West
Posted by eddiev18 on December 8, 2009
You were probably one of them, but millions of people around the world tuned in to watch the 2010 World Cup draw on Friday, all holding their breath and praying for their nation not to get a place in the ‘Group Of Death’. For me though, it was all of a bit of an anti-climax.
To start with, after I overheard a group of people referring to the ‘Group Of Death’ with sheer terror in their voices, I had imagined a horrible fate awaiting the two teams who fail to escape the clutches of the group. More specifically, some sort of sacrifice to the Gods on Table Mountain. Apparently not though. Apparently the two teams just fly back home when they are knocked out. How rubbish is that? At the very least FIFA surely should dish out some form of humiliation. Perhaps they could make both teams go head-to-head on Takeshi’s Castle, or simply force every one of their players into to taking on a cameo role in an episode of Hollyoaks.
Anyway, that was my first disappointment. My second was the way the draw was conducted. Seeing as it was South Africa, I had imagined a more extravigant and dangerous occasion. Giraffes, trained to pick balls out of the mouths of lions. Rhinos juggling balls whilst riding unicycles. A draw-fixing scandal involving one of the South African cricketers. Stuff like that.
Not a bit of it. Instead, we had Charlize Theron (I assume attempting to mimic the potential dialogue of a girlfriend forced by her boyfriend to watch the draw) offering up some of the most atrocious acting of her career to date, as she went into airhead mode in a frankly horrendous half hour exchange with a generic Frenchman supplied by FIFA.
Brazil were drawn in what was being billed as the ‘Group Of Death’, alongside a rubbish Portuguese side that nearly didn’t qualify, an African team, and North Korea. It was the second time in an evening that the term ‘Group Of Death’ had failed to live up to my estimations.
Anyway, the above is just me warming you up to the idea of a Microsoft Paint Story Of The Week about the World Cup. If you’re interested, it’s also perhaps the longest introduction i’ve ever written. For anything. You’re probably not though, so i’ll cut to the chase.
About a week ago I heard that Plymouth and Bristol had launched ‘ambitious bids’ to be named as host cities for England’s bid for the 2018 World Cup. To say I was surprised to hear this would be an understatement.
The truth is, with the exception of a handful of ‘lower-league’ teams, the Westcountry has never really been taken that seriously as a football place. I guess it doesn’t help that most sporty kids from that part of the world are either plonked in a boat and told to go and catch dinner, or simply end up playing a game with a different shaped ball.
So, what does the Wescountry have to offer the visiting nations in 2018? To find out, I went down to Plymouth last week to see if I could steal some of the promotional material the two cities plan to use for their bid. Using a crafty Jethro disguise to get past security at Plymouth County Council’s head office, this is what I found…
What a joyous picture they have painted. FIFA see the World Cup as the coming together of nations, all united by football. It seems that the Westcountry not only intends to unite the world with football, but with everything else that that lovely part of England has at its disposal.
North Korea will be able to set their worries of any ‘Group Of Death’ to one side, as they enjoy the musical stylings of bumpkin farmer-band The Wurzels. Apparently the ‘Combine Harvester’ singsters have become tremendously popular in the country during Kim Jong-il’s regime, mainly because there is no possible way in which a bunch of stinking farmers can be sexualised. If they qualify, it looks like the North Koreans are in for a treat come 2018.
The game of skittles will play its part too. For anyone who doesn’t know what skittles is, it can only be described as rustic ten pin bowling. However, unlike ten pin bowling, it is obligatory for the bowling surface to be as uneven as possible (a cow field will do), and you can’t play it unless you’ve drunk at least eight pints of ridiculously strong cider. In the poster you will see that Argentinian pocket-rocket Lionel Messi is getting a lesson from walking beard, and famous Westcountry TV presenter, Justin Lee Collins. Good times!
Talking of cider, in the true spirit of the World Cup (and having heard of his inability to drink alcohol without falling flat on his face), Ian Holloway has decided to take poor old Ledley King under his wing, in an attempt to teach him how to cope with his nan’s home-brew. Proper job!
However, the Westcountry isn’t all cider, skittles, and farm-related music. It can be extremely quaint and civilised too. The beautiful image of Kaka and Patrice Evra sharing a cream tea in the countryside is surely all the proof you need of that. Also with the Westcountry’s famous daughter, the Cadbury’s Caramel bunny, offering her experience and dulcid tones to the advertising campaign, the operation to get the nation on-side will be like taking candy from a baby.
So, come 2018, don’t be surprised if you find yourself watching the World Cup draw live from Plymouth. Perhaps Bill Bailey will be the host, with the groups being drawn via some sort of elaborate apple bobbing competition.
One can dream…