Emile Heskey In Interspecies ‘Love-Cheat’ Claims
Posted by eddiev18 on February 25, 2010
A sensational NEW love-cheat story emerged today, with the unlikely shape of England and Aston Villa battering-ram Emile Heskey at its rather furry centre. According to tomorrow’s Daily Shitrag, the former international goalscorer has been playing away from home… with a sexy young ANTELOPE!
The news will shock team-mates, fans, and animal enthusiasts alike, after reports emerged that the Aston Villa striker has been visiting nearby Dudley Zoo at least TWICE a week, for romps with a supple young antelope, who wishes to remain anonymous.
Our source has revealed that the footie ace met the young bovid on a trip to the zoo back in the summer of 2009, and what began as an exchange of phone numbers soon escalated into regular raunchy romps.
‘As an aeging and lumbering centre-forward, Emile was fascinated by the agility and fleet-of-foot possessed by my species, and wanted to learn a thing or two from me. With the World Cup coming up this summer, he told me he’d take all the advice he could get’, said the antelope at the centre of the scandal.
‘We swapped numbers, and I didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks. However, one day Emile sent me a text out of the blue, telling me to send him SORDID pictures of my horns, and BEGGING me to let him into my cage for a steamy session of passion. I was initially unsure, but it gave me a thrill, so I decided to agree. Us antelopes don’t get much excitement here at the zoo, you see. Plus, the lions had been threatening to break into our cage for weeks, and I was sure that Emile’s ox-like strength could protect me.’
The visits and lewd messages continued for MONTHS, under the cover of darkness. ‘Emile would sneak in after closing hours, and lavish me with gifts, including a fresh square of beautiful grass from the Villa Park pitch for me to graze on. He’d call me his ‘horny one’, and tickle my ears’. The England Hitman’s obsession with the even-toed ungulate rapidly intensified though, and got to point where the antelope had to end the relationship.
‘Emile would often get jealous when he wasn’t with me, especially when he knew I’d be alone with the other males in my enclosure. I’d get FURIOUS drunken late night calls, DEMANDING to know who I was with. To be honest, it all became too much for me, and when I saw that he’d gone ten games without scoring a single Premier League goal, I knew that it was affecting him too.’
Heskey today denied any allegations of infidelity to his girfriend of eight years, but did admit to seeking tips on how not to be a one-dimensional tree-trunk of a striker.
When asked for his opinion, England manager Fabio Capello reiterated his sentiment that all of his players should be 100% focussed on football if they want to get on the plane to South Africa. ‘Whilst I am in charge, Emile will start every England game, without fail and irrespective of form. Everyone knows that. However, if I find out that he’s been sneaking antelopes into his hotel room at night, or using ‘playing golf with Robert Green’ as an excuse to go on a safari behind my back, then there’ll be hell to pay.’
This one could run and run…
*On the off-chance that Emile Heskey’s lawyers type in ‘bifi porn’ or any of the other ludicrous search terms people have used to get to my site, please note that the above is not factual, or meant to be taken seriously. Apart from the bit about him being a tree trunk of a centre-forward. That bit is true.