Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Mervyn King Praised after Semi-Final Success

Posted by eddiev18 on April 17, 2011

Manchester City midfielder Yaya Toure today wholeheartedly thanked the Governor of the Bank Of England, claiming “we couldn’t have done it without you”.

King: Words Of Advice

Speaking to the media after his team’s 1-0 FA Cup semi-final victory over local rivals Manchester United, the Ivory Coast star explained the story behind his words of thanks.

“I remember it well. It was pre-season, and the owners had just spent the summer throwing cash around like Charlie Sheen in a strippy. Even James Milner was offered 100 grand a week which, for a workmanilke yet only slightly above-average midfielder, is fucking insane.

“Anyway, we were all extremely concerned that Manchester’s banks and cashpoints wouldn’t be able to take the strain. I mean, let’s face it, we’re footballers – our money isn’t for sitting around in the bank. Have you ever walked into a fancy car dealership with two briefcases stuffed full of fifties, before spunking it all on a Pagani Zonda for your model girlfriend? No? So you have absolutely no idea how fucking cool that feels.

“Mario Balotelli was so scared of not being able to access enough of his cash that he skipped training one day to go on a road trip around the country in his Hummer. He stopped at over 100 cashpoints that day – drained them all. When he got back, his boot looked like the vault from Brewsters Millions!”

Realising that his squad’s spirit was being hampered by this fear, City boss Roberto Mancini made a personal call to the Governor of the Bank Of England, Mervyn King.

Mr King recalls their conversation: “Roberto told me that his players were worried that if there wasn’t enough cash in circulation, then they wouldn’t have enough in their wallets to stop ropey kiss-and-tell birds from running to the News Of The World. However, I assured him that there really was a recession going on, and that most of the nation were huddled together in their living rooms with the heating off, eating own brand pasta sauce, and certainly not in Movida getting hand-jobs from some slag from Big Brother.”

The news was a welcome boost for Toure and his team-mates: “The news that the rest of the country was sitting around in a penniless state of desperation really boosted spirits in the camp. We could now access the full extent of our wages without having to worry about being behind Joleon Lescott at the cashpoint. As a result, there were fewer arguments and, well, just look at us today – we’re in the FA Cup final.

“The liberal access to shitloads of cash has made it all possible. In fact, we’re thinking of making that the club motto…”

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