Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Mourinho: Real Madrid must sponsor Battersea Dogs & Cats Home

Posted by eddiev18 on April 29, 2011

There is absolutely, positively, no way that I would even think about diving for a penalty ref...

Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho today told the club’s board that the only way to compete with rivals Barcelona is to replace their current shirt sponsor with a picture of a cute kitten or puppy.

In the aftermath of Wednesday’s defeat, Mourinho suggested that the number of refereeing decisions that go in Barcelona’s favour is almost certainly connected to the Catalan club’s unique sponsorship deal with UNICEF, and certainly not just another one of his conspiracy theories.

“I accept that officiating a football match in which all 22 players consistently cheat and angrily disagree with pretty much every decision you make must be a very difficult job. All I’m saying is that, faced with so much dishonesty, who are you going to believe? The player sporting the logo of an evil gambling company, or the player whose shirt basically says ‘every time we fail, a child dies’?

“I have to credit Barcelona for discovering such an innovative method of gamesmanship but, now that we know it works, it’s time for us to get involved.”

If the board sanction Mourinho’s plan, then the famous Real Madrid shirt would carry a weekly photo of the cutest animals that Battersea has to offer, along with the caption ‘Don’t let me go hungry’ in the native language of the match referee.

“Yeah, that’s the key”, chortled Mourinho. “We’d arrange everything to make sure that our donation is sent to Battersea only when we win, which gives the referee a serious moral dilemma when deciding major incidents. This may well help us close the gap.”

Madrid fan Luis Sanchez welcomes the move: “Fuck it, why not give it a try? Look, we all know that Real Madrid will never in a million years have the level of patience and unity that Barcelona have shown to enable them to develop such a brilliant team. That’s just not how we roll. Our thing is spending shitloads of money on marquee signings and, you know, just sort of hoping it works out. This is why I am pleased to see our manager focussing on things that he can change, like guilt-tripping the ref.”

When asked whether he truly believes the accusations he has made concerning Barcelona, or whether they are simply a result of his inability to graciously accept defeat, Mourinho was adamant – donning a pair of dark sunglasses and saying: “Look, I’m trying to free your mind. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”

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