Sky Sports inspired by Battle Royale in ‘Suvival Sunday’ revamp
Posted by eddiev18 on May 19, 2011
Sky Sports announced today that, from next season onwards, any Premier League club threatened by relegation on the last day of the season would have to compete in a televised battle to the death.
A Sky source revealed: “On the last day of the season we have always had the very difficult job of forcing a lot of people to take an interest in a collection of bleak football clubs from the north of England. Surprisingly, the term ‘Survival Sunday’ has always helped us achieve this.
“Unfortunately though, it looks like our viewers have worked out that, whatever we call it, they are still just sitting indoors on a pleasant afternoon in May watching Blackburn kick seven lumps of shit out of Wolves.”
In a bold revamp for the 2011/12 season, the satellite giant plans to copy the plot of Japanese film Battle Royale and send every team in contention for relegation out to an isolated island in the Pacific ocean. There, the threatened clubs would have to to hunt and kill their rivals in order to claim another season in the top flight.
Our source couldn’t hide his excitement: “We were looking at ways of developing the ‘survival’ element of ‘Survival Sunday’, and this idea ticked all the boxes.
“I have this wonderful vision of a bloodied Christopher Samba thrusting the severed head of David Bentley into the sky, and letting out a furious war cry to seal Blackburn’s escape from the drop.”
Those opposing the changes claim that the idea of a top-flight footballer working with others, instead of simply fending for himself, is absolutely preposterous. Claudine Le Woflehoozen, a psychiatrist, explains: “A recent study – by some students who are much cleverer than you – tells us that Premier League footballers have overtaken Katie Price as the most selfish entity in the universe.
“As soon as they get on that island, the weak will either commit suicide – for fear of being eaten by George Elokobi – or they’ll stay alive by performing some sort of service for the strong – most likely sexual.
“You’ll have a situation where Daniel De Ridder is basically only alive because Gary Caldwell has decided he looks a bit like a girl. That’s not something I want to see in ‘stunning HD’.”
When asked whether the Premier League would block such a move due to the blatant brutality of the whole thing, Sky responded: “Do you honestly believe that the Premier League has the final say on anything? You do know how much fucking money we pay them, right?
“No, no, we do what we want.”