Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Tevez leaves hundreds of restaurateurs questioning reality

Posted by eddiev18 on June 11, 2011

Chefs: Losing it

Hundreds of restuarateurs have been asking random strangers on the streets of Manchester to punch them in the face, it has emerged.

The news comes in the wake of Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez’s assertion on Wednesday that ‘there are only two restaurants in Manchester’ – a claim that has left hundreds of chefs and eatery owners alike doubting their existence.

Gianluigi Pattertoni, head chef and owner of mid-price trattoria La Bella Rosa, was one of many in a state of shock: “Carlos’ words have made me wonder whether my restaurant is just a lovely dream I haven’t woken up from.

“I’m starting to think that our customers are not actually real people at all – merely projections of those I admire most in life. Maybe the food I claim to serve is simply a yearning for my childhood in Italy – and in reality there is no food.

“No food, no customers and no restaurant… it’s as if nothing is real and I’m stuck in the fucking Matrix!” sobbed the inconsolable chef.

Charles Brundelferry, Professor of ‘The Universe And Other Complicated Shit’ at Norwich University, has some words of comfort for Pattertoni though: “Essentially, Gianluigi is right, but the situation is actually more like the Matrix in reverse.

“You see, unlike in the film, the majority of us are already in ‘Zion’. Sure, it’s gritty and we have to fight our day-to-day struggles, but we’re free – unshackled from the control of the machines, and with the choice to enjoy a Saturday night in whatever restaurant we want.

“On the other hand, there are those like Carlos who – by agreeing contracts worth more than £250,000 per week – unwittingly slip into ‘The Matrix’.  There they experience a reality which may feel more cosy on its surface, but is actually a bleak existence with very little choice.

“Case in point – restuarants. ‘The Matrix’ will be telling Carlos’ brain not to let him eat anywhere that charges les than £200 for a side salad. It is therefore hardly surprising that he’s unaware of La Bella Rosa’s popular pre-theatre special.”

Tevez has today hit back though, insisting that he is in touch with reality and  – like the rest of us – faces a painful day-to-day struggle: “Do you have any idea how hard it is to motivate yourself to get out of bed in the morning when you look in the mirror and see the head of Frankenstein’s monster sitting on the body of Quasimodo?

“If you did, you’d probably understand why I behave like a bit of a twat sometimes.”


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