Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

FA told coaches to monitor egg and spoon races in hunt for ‘English Messi’

Posted by eddiev18 on June 19, 2011

England's future number 9?

Football fans were outraged today when they learned the reason why England hasn’t produced any decent footballers in a very long time.

A tabloid newspaper has leaked the Football Association’s controversial ‘Dossier For Future Talent’, which contains a bizarre list of advice for youth development coaches – ranging from the avoidance of children born in May, to the monitoring of primary school egg and spoon races.

Sir Trevor Brooking – who does something at the FA’s headquarters – admits that change is necessary but isn’t entirely dismissive of the controversial methods of talent spotting.

“Do I think that ‘the ability to cook a soft boiled egg’ is an important characteristic to look for in a young footballer? No, probably not. However, the fans have to realise that – without that in the dossier – Emile Heskey would have never made it as a footballer.

“So, you know, you can’t say the current system hasn’t served a purpose.”

However, FA development coach John Hendry admits that he has found the dossier difficult to follow: “Over the years, we have been told to look for players who – amongst other criteria – are born in the winter, prefer dogs to cats, go to the cinema on averge 2.7 times a month, and in a blind test would always choose Pepsi over the own-brand cola.

“As a result, we very rarely find ourselves telling a parent to encourage their child to play professional football. Last year we had this incredible Xavi-like 7 year-old who we were really excited about. However, he chose Sainsbury’s ‘Classic’ cola in the blind test so – going by the dossier – we had to tell his parents that he was shit.”

England fan Darren Waynes thinks that blind monkeys could do a better job than the FA: “Blind monkeys could do a better job than the FA.

“Surely the first thing to look for in a young player is ‘the ability to pass the ball in a straight line’. Once you’ve nailed that, you can move on to the more complicated stuff like ‘the ability to take more than two touches without hitting a 50 yard ball to a six foot ape of a striker’.

“I can’t think of anyone in the current England squad with either of those abilities, so it seems fairly obvious doesn’t it?”

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