Article tediously compares two Portuguese men with nice hair
Posted by eddiev18 on June 22, 2011
Today a Portuguese man with nice hair will become manager of Chelsea, and this article will attempt to convince you how similar he is to another Portuguese man with nice hair.
The first of the comparisons comes here – in the second paragraph – when the article tells you that neither of the Portuguese men with nice hair were any good at playing football, but instead became interested in the ‘science of coaching’.
The third paragraph will attempt to cram in as many other comparisons as it can, undoubtedly mentioning the tagline ‘student of the game’, and probably then reminding you that both men won the same two trophies with the same team. The article will choose to forget that it also once told you that Aidy Boothroyd was a ‘student of the game’. You probably won’t though.
By the time the fourth paragraph has begun, the article will simply be unable to contain itself any longer – unceremoniously blurting out its first ‘Special One’ reference. However, the article now needs to back up such claims, so here are some quotes from a groundsman who used to lovingly watch the Portuguese man with nice hair from a distance when he was manager of some third division club who didn’t even have corner flags.
“My role in this article is to back up the bold claims already made, by telling you that he used to ask me to video tape all of our opponents, and then sit for hours staring at the moon for spiritual enlightenment. Then I’ll say some stuff like, ‘he was destined to succeed from a very young age’ and he ‘commanded respect, which was strange for someone so young.”
At this point the article will hope you’ve got the fucking message, but will give it one more push with the use of the unadventurous nickname ‘The Special One Mark II’ – and in doing so neatly summarise its entire tedious purpose in one fell swoop.
You will then regurgitate the whole thing to your mates in the pub, making it sound like you knew who this hell this bloke was in the first place.
Which you didn’t, and admittedly still don’t.