Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

EXCLUSIVE: Redundancies not necessary in NOTW football department

Posted by eddiev18 on July 10, 2011

Blind monkeys 'could do the job if needed'

The levels of unemployment caused by the closure of News Of The World will not be as high as first anticipated, after it emerged that all of the paper’s football news is written by a computer called ‘TIM’.

The ‘Tabloid Imitation Machine’ serves almost all of Britain’s tabloid newspapers, using a unique algorithm to churn out an inhuman quantity of tiresome daily transfer gossip during football’s two annual transfer windows.

TIM’s inventor, a 10 year old child from Rotherham, explains its simplicity: “Look, it’s so fucking formulaic. Even a blind monkey with a broken crayon could do it.

“You just do two things – generate a list of players who you have decided are available for transfer, and then simply find out which clubs have a new billionaire owner.

“Once you’ve done that, it’s easy. Pick a club, pick a player, buff it out with a load of meaningless words and you’re done.

“You can see why you don’t actually need a journalist for the job. My computer pumps out four stories a minute, and can work for ten hours solid without once attempting to tap Colleen Rooney’s phone or knock off at 3pm to go to the pub.

“Plus – with its list of classic non-commital tabloid words and phrases such as ‘our sources suggest’, ‘it is understood’, ‘could’, ‘may’ and ‘rumoured to be’ – every story that TIM produces will have the quintessential tabloid stench of fabricated horse manure.”

Still waiting for some decent players to arrive, Blackburn Rovers fan George O’Keef isn’t a fan of TIM’s journalism: “This year my club was taken over by some Indians who claimed to have made loads of money from selling chicken wings or something.

“Based on such claims, you can see why the tabloid machine started churning out stories linking us with the world’s top players.

“However, I can’t help but think that – before lazily linking us to every player under the sun – a real journalist would have first checked to see if the owners were telling the truth. I mean, how much money can you really make out of selling a chicken?

TIM’s inventor scoffs at such claims: “I’m sorry, but the term ‘real journalist’ has never – and will never – be applicable to the tabloid press.”

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