Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Archive for the ‘A Face I’d Like To Smack’ Category

I name and shame all the players out there with a face like Tony Blair.

A Face I’d Like To Smack – Joey Barton

Posted by eddiev18 on October 19, 2009

Barton: Coward

Barton: Nasty piece of work

Resisting the temptation to write a ‘humourous’ quip about a beach ball, and how everyone in Liverpool is looking for a young man with a blurred-out face, I have instead decided to share with you my dislike for Premier League (now Championship) ‘bad-boy’ Joey Barton.

The thing is, I don’t actually have a problem with the idea of the ‘bad-boy’ footballer. Players such as Cantona, Ince, Keane, Vieira and co. were always towing the line between what is acceptable on the field, and what is not. And when they occasionally did cross the line, they were punished for it.

However, with the exception of Keane’s horror-tackle on Alf Inge Haaland, Vieira’s penchant for gobbing, and Cantona’s kung-fu kick (which I bloody loved!) these were the guys that set the example for the rest of the team to look up to. They were characters. Hated losing. Their motto appeared to be ‘Win at all costs, and if you get the odd red card along the way, that’s just a sacrifice you have to make’.

Like I said, I’m fine with that. I think the main problem Joey Barton has is that he desperately wants people to respect him in the same way that the aforementioned players were respected, but he appears to have missed the crucial point. Those players were all fantastic footballers first, and ‘hardman’ characters second. Joey Barton just wants to be a hardman.

He isn’t hard though. Earlier I read through all of the incidents that he has been involved in during his career, and they all read like a rap sheet of a scared little boy – stabbing a cigar out in someone’s face at a party, kicking a team-mate in the head in training, attacking a 16 year old boy whilst on tour with Man City, and then viciously attacking another 16 year old boy on a night out in Liverpool.

Add to that his complete disrespect for the majority of authority figures at his various clubs, and basically you have just one aggressive and very nasty overgrown brat. The attack on the Liverpool teenager, that earned him a six month jail sentence, can be seen below. It’s so incredibly mindless, it may as well have been lifted from depressing satellite TV show ‘Booze Britain’.

I don’t buy into the sob stories either, the people that say ‘oh, but he came from a rough council estate in Liverpool’. So did Wayne Rooney. However, Rooney learned very quickly from the advice given to him by his manager that he could channel all that aggression to his boots, and just look where that has got him. Rage channelled into his boots is certainly behind the best goal of his Manchester United career. Barton’s problem is that he just doesn’t want to listen. He’s convinced himself that everyone else is wrong, and he is right. The world is against him, and he’s going to fight it.

It’s pathetic. He’s had the chance that thousands of kids with similar backgrounds would love. An opportunity that can positively change your life, and the lives of everyone else around you. At this point I’d say that he needs to grow up and start smelling reality. However, the reality is that he needed to grow up three years ago. Now, he’s like the boy who cried wolf, no-one believes that he wants to change his ways. He’s made the claim far too many times.

I don’t think anyone out there can argue that Barton needs a big smack around his pea-brained little head. In fact, I’m abandoning the Lee Bowyer Smackablomator this week, and have instead rated his smackability myself. This is for Jamie Tandy, Ousmane Dabo, Dickson Etuhu, Gabriel Agbonlahor, Alan Shearer, the two boys he assaulted, and pretty much everyone else he’s attacked or offended in such a heinously cowardly fashion over the years.


Joey Barton. Please take your smacking, and go away. For good.


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A Face I’d Like To Smack – Marco Materazzi

Posted by eddiev18 on September 27, 2009

Materazzi: Head-butts welcome

Materazzi: Head-butts welcome

It’s pretty well established that Marco Materazzi is an irritant. When the best player in the world would prefer to deck you than stay on the pitch to try to win a World Cup Final, you’ve got to have a pretty special talent for rubbing people up the wrong way. I’ve only ever watched him play in televised matches, but quite how the screen of my aeging Grundig gogglebox has survived the various items I’ve launched at the Italian, I really don’t know. The absence of a plie of bricks next to my sofa perhaps?

Anyway, why is he so annoying? Last week Didier Drogba threw himself theatrically into this series, along with a smorgasbord of expressions likely to get even the calmest of Anglican vicars reaching for their crucafix of wrath. That said though, whilst Drogba is undoubtedly a five star toss-pot, he is a very good footballer, and therefore I’m happy to allow him a small percentage of his sizeable arrogance. The problem we all have with Materazzi is that no-one ever really finishes a rant about him with ‘…but he is one hell of a player’.

Because he isn’t. Actually, it’s common knowledge that if you took away the Italian’s skills as a wind up merchant, and a level of aggression only similar to the rage-monkeys in 28 Days Later, he’d be, well, a bit rubbish. Ok, he’s useful at set-pieces, but so was Ramon Vega.

There are times when he even gets under the skin of his team mates. Zlatan Ibrahimovich, when asked why Inter lost to Liverpool in the Champions League a couple of seasons ago brilliantly replied, ‘Why did we lose? Why don’t you ask Materazzi’. The reporter didn’t need to bother, that said it all.

The level of regard with which he appears to hold himself is therefore unfounded, and therein lies the bugbear most of us share when it comes to Marco Materazzi. He prances about the pitch on the wind-up for 90 minutes, putting in the sort of career-ending mis-timed tackles that would make even Roy Keane wince, and then he has the sheer cheek to go and pick up a World Cup winners medal. It really makes you want to hurt him.

I mean, just look at some of these tackles (Advisory Warning: Mute the video to avoid the crappy Euro-Pop soundtrack the creator of this compilation has inexplicably chosen!)…

Anyway, I’d like to continue this rather therapeutic release of pent-up rage, as it has been far more useful (and less expensive) than throwing bricks at my television. However, I feel that I’ve wandered again into the realms of missing the point of my angry warbling. How smackable is his face? I have fed an image of his mug through the ever-reliable ‘Lee Bowyer Smackablomator’, and it has spat out the following result. I feel it’s let him off lightly. What do you think?


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A Face I’d Like To Smack – Didier Drogba

Posted by eddiev18 on September 13, 2009

‘A Face I’d Like To Smack’ is back and, if you are a fan of any team that has played Chelsea in the last five years, then you are most likely to have vented a torrent of expletives in the direction of today’s subject at some point.

Now I must first emphasise that I am aware of Didier Drogba’s size. Even though he has a peculiar penchant for throwing himself theatrically to the floor when an opponent merely brushes past him, he is a massive bloke who could eat a little blogger like myself for breakfast. Therefore, of course, the opinions below are those of a ‘friend’, and I personally think that the Ivorian is a delight, with a face that is not in any way annoying. I repeat, a delight.

My ‘friend’, however, thinks otherwise. Here’s why:

“I’ll concede that Drogba’s face is expressive. However, that is in no way meant as a compliment because, unfortunately for poor Didier (and anyone who happens to be within visable distance of him), each of those expressions is more blackboard-scrapingly annoying than the last.

You have the patronising ‘wide-eyed finger wag’, normally reserved for any linesman who dares to claim that he is in an offside position. Then there’s the ‘scream of agony’ face, which goes hand in hand with the ‘shot-by-a-sniper’ dive. You’ve also got the ‘arrogant pout’, accompanied by some form of chest thump, finger pointing, or knee slide – the interpreation of which appears to be ‘I’m the man! You know I’m the man, don’t you?’. This generally precedes some form of excruciatingly cringeable goal celebration with Soloman Kalou and Michael Essien – the sole purpose of which appears to be to remind us that they are all from Africa. Great.

There are way more though and, as I said, they just keep getting worse. For Drogba ‘smackable face gold’, just re-watch his outrage when Chelsea lost to Barcelona in last season’s Champions League – let’s call that one the ‘whining bitch’ face.

I really hate that man’s mug. Do you know what, I hate it more than I hate seeing a traffic warden standing over my car when I’ve only been gone five minutes. It’s that bad.”

That is bad. However, if that rant isn’t enough evidence to justify Drogba’s inclusion in this series, where Bellamy and Diouf have walked before him, have a look at the below and make up your own mind…


…oh, and here’s the Barcelona clip, expertly remixed to focus on what was referred to above as a ‘whining bitch’ face.

No sir, you’re a fucking disgrace.

It appears that emotions have got in the way of the task at hand (the rating of Didier Drogba’s smackability), once again highlighting the need to make use of our very own Richter Scale of smackability, ‘The Lee Bowyer Smackablomator’. The result is unsurprising…


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A Face I’d Like To Smack – El Hadji Diouf

Posted by eddiev18 on February 22, 2009

Before I get started on ‘Mr. Hack Up A Greenie And Spit It At A Fan’, I would like to introduce the wonderfully accurate ‘Lee Bowyer Smackablomator’, which will be used from now on in this series to grade a player’s smackability out of five. The mere presence of one Lee Bowyer is bad enough, but to score five a player really has to earn it. He must have severe all-round twatability, and the sort of face you pray to God your children don’t end up posessing.

Ok, so on to one of the Premier League’s most highly decorated pieces of shit – El Hadji Diouf. Patrick Hennessey emailed in to nominate Diouf, and here’s why:

‘El-Hadji gets my goat – and my vote. When he’s not gobbing at the opposition, the overrated/underperforming bench warmer is kicking off with his own team mates. His surname sounds similar to the noise made when my fist connects to his temple – Diouf.’

I’m sure that the above assesment strikes a chord with most of you. The truth of it all is that Diouf got a bit too big for his boots when he sealed his move to Liverpool, and his arrogance skyrocketed. Soon he was diving, kicking people, and spitting at players and fans alike. You would have thought that leaving Liverpool to spend four years as a hate-figure at Bolton would have damaged his pride a bit, and bought him down to earth.

You would’ve thought wrong. He’s still an utter prick and, if that’s bad enough, imagine being Mrs Diouf. She has to wake up next to this snarling, saliva-propelling mess every morning. Bullet dodged ladies, bullet dodged.


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A Face I’d Like To Smack – Craig Bellamy

Posted by eddiev18 on February 17, 2009

I couldn’t really present you all with a series of players I’d like to smack-out without mentioning Craig Bellamy. It really wouldn’t be right, would it? So here he is.

The problem most people have with Bellamy is that he really is just a horrible little shit. He’s fallen out with team-mates pretty much everywhere he’s played, opposition fans treat him like some sort of pantomime villain, and even his team’s supporters are split about whether they want him at their club. In fact, Tottenham coach Tim Sherwood recently admitted Spurs reasons for wanting to sign the Welshman in the January transfer window, saying:

“That’s why we tried so hard to get Craig Bellamy because we’ve lots of nice guys at the club and, no disrespect, but Craig Bellamy is not very nice.”

So, noone likes him, and even those that do, know he’s a twat. Nice.

How smackable is his face though? Well, there aren’t many mugs as rage-inducing as this one…

Smackability Rating: 5

If there’s a player out there whose face incites you into a homicidal rage, and who I’ve not already mentioned, email their name to me at eddiesfootballblog@hotmail.co.uk. I will do the naming and shaming for you!

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A Face I’d Like To Smack – Andrei Arshavin

Posted by eddiev18 on February 14, 2009

In terms of players I’d like to hit, Andrei Arshavin is right up there.

To start with, he has the sort of arrogant swagger which is a pre-requisite of any player who wants to play for Arsenal (that, as well as being technically gifted, I must concede). However, he also made a bit of a tit of himself over the last 6 months by punting himself around to virtually all of Europe’s top clubs, even though most of them never really wanted him.

Annoyingly using that horrificly false and cliched phrase, he first claimed that Barcelona was his ‘dream’ (until it was clear the feeling wasn’t mutual), and then proceeded to ‘dream’ about Chelsea, Tottenham and, finally, Arsenal. Andrei, just keep your mouth shut in future, until you’re actually holding the shirt.

However, even if you ignore the above, he still needs a twatting. Just look at his face:

Smackability Rating: 4

If there’s a player out there whose face incites you into a homicidal rage, and who I’ve not already mentioned, email their name to me at eddiesfootballblog@hotmail.co.uk. I will do the naming and shaming for you!

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