Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Annoying Footballers’

Microsoft Paint Story Of The Week – The Invisible Handball

Posted by eddiev18 on November 27, 2009

Scharner: Dodgy hair, dodgy goal

Continuing the Microsoft Paint Stories Of The Week series (soon to be re-named ‘Baron-Watch’), this week we once again catch up with Baron Silas Greenback (aka Avram Grant), and it certainly appears that he’s been keeping himself busy of late.

Not only has the amphibious super-villain been officially appointed as Portsmouth manager (as predicted here on Eddie’s Football Blog), but there have also been one or two unexplained events in the past week, both of which I am fairly certain he had something to do with.

Now, as we all know from ‘Danger Mouse’ (the reality TV series in which Greenback featured heavily during the 1980s) The Baron has a history of going to great lengths to create the perfect ‘Kansas City Shuffle’ – a moment in which he makes us all look one way (via a distraction), whilst he sneakily steps in to take over the world. I have highlighted examples of this before

Stealing all of the world’s sign-posts. Sending tins of exploding custard to every household on the planet. Turning elephants into sugar cubes. Stuff like that. Ideas that could only conceivably be contrived by an evil toad.

Naturally therefore, when I stumbled across an article this afternoon citing ‘mysterious toilet blockages’ on an entire fleet of Cathay Pacific aeroplanes, my suspicions were raised. Perhaps the plan this time is to drain all of the world’s oceans? Think about it… the entire population of earth, all wildly flushing their porcelain thrones at once. The water usage would go off the chart.

Well, it’s either that, or he’s plotting a world-wide shortage of drain unblocking products. Just think of a world without drain unblocking products. All hell would break loose. Indian restaurants would fight and squabble over the remaining supplies and, worse of all, we’d all have to start using bidets due to the constant fear of clogging our own crappers. Yes, that’s right, we’d basically all become French.

I can see the fear on your face now. He must be stopped.

Talking of the French, and insanely long introductions out of the way, this leads me nicely on to the second of the unexplained phenomena that has occurred more than once in the past week. Namely, the act of scoring a goal in professional football, having blatantly committed a handball prior to putting the ball in the onion bag.

Both Thierry Henry (the goal that broke Irish hearts. Well, unless you’re Roy Keane), and Paul Scharner (the ‘1’ in Wigan’s 9-1 walloping at Tottenham) have scored goals of this ilk in the past week. Both have got away with it. My question is how?

Suspecting Greenback, I headed to his lair at Portsmouth’s Blue Reef aquarium earlier this week. Passing myself off as ‘Mr Grant’s Wart Removal Technician’ I gained entry, and this is what I discovered…

I think I know what’s been going on now.

Greenback has known all season that, at some point, he was going to be asked to replace Paul Hart as manager. It’s one of the worst kept secrets of all time. Right up there with Tom Cruise’s homosexuality. However, with this knowledge came responsibility. When he became manager, he was going to have to improve Pompey’s form.

Henry: Giving Greenback's invention the high-five

Knowing that his squad wasn’t anywhere near good enough to stay up on their own, and given that he is an super-villain with a lair, an evil crow assistant, and more than a few masterplans up his sleeve, Greenback got to work on a couple of ideas he’d had to improve his team’s performance. The first of these was injecting a ‘Striker’s Serum’ into Aruna Dindane, in the hope that the Ivorian would end up scoring a bucket load of goals. As you’ll remember, it started with a hat-trick, and ended with a threesome. It turned out that the ‘Scoring Serum’ wasn’t specific to football, and the Baron was forced to abandon Dindane’s regular injections after the goals dried up.

Now though, it looks as though Greenback has a new concept to use. A footballing aid called ‘The Invisible Handball’. Basically it is a specially designed synthetic forearm and hand combination that, when attached to a footballer, is completely invisible to the referee and his assistants. It means that a footballer can control, dribble, and even score a goal with their hand, and the officials will not see any offence.

The prototype was tested by Greenback’s father (Earl Greenback) during the 1986 World Cup in Mexico, on a certain young Argentinean by the name of Diego Maradona. It worked brilliantly during a match against England, but after Maradona refused to remove his new hand because he saw it as a good way to get cocaine past customs officials, Earl Greenback abandoned the experiment. Now, in the knowledge that he’ll be taking over such a poorly equipped Premier League team, Greenback Junior has resurrected it.

The product was tested last week on France Captain (and shaving enthusiast) Thierry Henry, and Wigan utility man (and Austrian style icon) Paul Scharner. On both occasions (as mentioned above) the protagonists used their new hand to score via an unfathomably dodgy handball. This obviously means that ‘The Invisible Handball’ passed its test with flying colours. There is, however, no word on either player having become a coke-mule for an underground gang of Colombians since their match. I’ll keep you posted though.

As ever, Baron Greenback looks on from his office as his evil crow henchman prepares to remove the hand from Scharner, in order to get it attached to Ivorian science experiment Dindane, and ready for this weekend’s visit of Manchester United. So, if you see a dodgy handball from young Aruna this Saturday, you’ll now know why the referee allowed play to continue.

It also seems that MI5 are also suspicious of Greenback’s activities (perhaps they read the blocked plane toilets atricle too), as they sent one of their agents into his lair on the day I was conducting my investigation. However, after failing to desguise himself, and following a cliché-filled chat in the Baron’s office, the vodka martini drinking agent ‘fell’ through a trap-door (that just happened to randomly open below his feet) and into a pool of sharks with freekin’ lazerrrs attached to them. He never stood a chance.

So, whether you’re worried about Portsmouth’s new ability to score goals, the possibility that you might have to cleanse your nether regions like a Frenchman in the near future, or just the concerned about the prospect of reading yet another article dedicated to a cartoon character lookalike, it is clear that this man must be stopped.

Where the hell is Danger Mouse when you need him, eh? Let’s hope that he has suffered the same fate as this little chap


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A Face I’d Like To Smack – Marco Materazzi

Posted by eddiev18 on September 27, 2009

Materazzi: Head-butts welcome

Materazzi: Head-butts welcome

It’s pretty well established that Marco Materazzi is an irritant. When the best player in the world would prefer to deck you than stay on the pitch to try to win a World Cup Final, you’ve got to have a pretty special talent for rubbing people up the wrong way. I’ve only ever watched him play in televised matches, but quite how the screen of my aeging Grundig gogglebox has survived the various items I’ve launched at the Italian, I really don’t know. The absence of a plie of bricks next to my sofa perhaps?

Anyway, why is he so annoying? Last week Didier Drogba threw himself theatrically into this series, along with a smorgasbord of expressions likely to get even the calmest of Anglican vicars reaching for their crucafix of wrath. That said though, whilst Drogba is undoubtedly a five star toss-pot, he is a very good footballer, and therefore I’m happy to allow him a small percentage of his sizeable arrogance. The problem we all have with Materazzi is that no-one ever really finishes a rant about him with ‘…but he is one hell of a player’.

Because he isn’t. Actually, it’s common knowledge that if you took away the Italian’s skills as a wind up merchant, and a level of aggression only similar to the rage-monkeys in 28 Days Later, he’d be, well, a bit rubbish. Ok, he’s useful at set-pieces, but so was Ramon Vega.

There are times when he even gets under the skin of his team mates. Zlatan Ibrahimovich, when asked why Inter lost to Liverpool in the Champions League a couple of seasons ago brilliantly replied, ‘Why did we lose? Why don’t you ask Materazzi’. The reporter didn’t need to bother, that said it all.

The level of regard with which he appears to hold himself is therefore unfounded, and therein lies the bugbear most of us share when it comes to Marco Materazzi. He prances about the pitch on the wind-up for 90 minutes, putting in the sort of career-ending mis-timed tackles that would make even Roy Keane wince, and then he has the sheer cheek to go and pick up a World Cup winners medal. It really makes you want to hurt him.

I mean, just look at some of these tackles (Advisory Warning: Mute the video to avoid the crappy Euro-Pop soundtrack the creator of this compilation has inexplicably chosen!)…

Anyway, I’d like to continue this rather therapeutic release of pent-up rage, as it has been far more useful (and less expensive) than throwing bricks at my television. However, I feel that I’ve wandered again into the realms of missing the point of my angry warbling. How smackable is his face? I have fed an image of his mug through the ever-reliable ‘Lee Bowyer Smackablomator’, and it has spat out the following result. I feel it’s let him off lightly. What do you think?


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A Face I’d Like To Smack – Didier Drogba

Posted by eddiev18 on September 13, 2009

‘A Face I’d Like To Smack’ is back and, if you are a fan of any team that has played Chelsea in the last five years, then you are most likely to have vented a torrent of expletives in the direction of today’s subject at some point.

Now I must first emphasise that I am aware of Didier Drogba’s size. Even though he has a peculiar penchant for throwing himself theatrically to the floor when an opponent merely brushes past him, he is a massive bloke who could eat a little blogger like myself for breakfast. Therefore, of course, the opinions below are those of a ‘friend’, and I personally think that the Ivorian is a delight, with a face that is not in any way annoying. I repeat, a delight.

My ‘friend’, however, thinks otherwise. Here’s why:

“I’ll concede that Drogba’s face is expressive. However, that is in no way meant as a compliment because, unfortunately for poor Didier (and anyone who happens to be within visable distance of him), each of those expressions is more blackboard-scrapingly annoying than the last.

You have the patronising ‘wide-eyed finger wag’, normally reserved for any linesman who dares to claim that he is in an offside position. Then there’s the ‘scream of agony’ face, which goes hand in hand with the ‘shot-by-a-sniper’ dive. You’ve also got the ‘arrogant pout’, accompanied by some form of chest thump, finger pointing, or knee slide – the interpreation of which appears to be ‘I’m the man! You know I’m the man, don’t you?’. This generally precedes some form of excruciatingly cringeable goal celebration with Soloman Kalou and Michael Essien – the sole purpose of which appears to be to remind us that they are all from Africa. Great.

There are way more though and, as I said, they just keep getting worse. For Drogba ‘smackable face gold’, just re-watch his outrage when Chelsea lost to Barcelona in last season’s Champions League – let’s call that one the ‘whining bitch’ face.

I really hate that man’s mug. Do you know what, I hate it more than I hate seeing a traffic warden standing over my car when I’ve only been gone five minutes. It’s that bad.”

That is bad. However, if that rant isn’t enough evidence to justify Drogba’s inclusion in this series, where Bellamy and Diouf have walked before him, have a look at the below and make up your own mind…


…oh, and here’s the Barcelona clip, expertly remixed to focus on what was referred to above as a ‘whining bitch’ face.

No sir, you’re a fucking disgrace.

It appears that emotions have got in the way of the task at hand (the rating of Didier Drogba’s smackability), once again highlighting the need to make use of our very own Richter Scale of smackability, ‘The Lee Bowyer Smackablomator’. The result is unsurprising…


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A Face I’d Like To Smack – El Hadji Diouf

Posted by eddiev18 on February 22, 2009

Before I get started on ‘Mr. Hack Up A Greenie And Spit It At A Fan’, I would like to introduce the wonderfully accurate ‘Lee Bowyer Smackablomator’, which will be used from now on in this series to grade a player’s smackability out of five. The mere presence of one Lee Bowyer is bad enough, but to score five a player really has to earn it. He must have severe all-round twatability, and the sort of face you pray to God your children don’t end up posessing.

Ok, so on to one of the Premier League’s most highly decorated pieces of shit – El Hadji Diouf. Patrick Hennessey emailed in to nominate Diouf, and here’s why:

‘El-Hadji gets my goat – and my vote. When he’s not gobbing at the opposition, the overrated/underperforming bench warmer is kicking off with his own team mates. His surname sounds similar to the noise made when my fist connects to his temple – Diouf.’

I’m sure that the above assesment strikes a chord with most of you. The truth of it all is that Diouf got a bit too big for his boots when he sealed his move to Liverpool, and his arrogance skyrocketed. Soon he was diving, kicking people, and spitting at players and fans alike. You would have thought that leaving Liverpool to spend four years as a hate-figure at Bolton would have damaged his pride a bit, and bought him down to earth.

You would’ve thought wrong. He’s still an utter prick and, if that’s bad enough, imagine being Mrs Diouf. She has to wake up next to this snarling, saliva-propelling mess every morning. Bullet dodged ladies, bullet dodged.


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Eddie’s Greats – Hristo Stoichkov

Posted by eddiev18 on February 22, 2009

“Some write that I’m a genius, others say that I’m disrespectful towards their country. Just like they were towards mine. If you remember in 1993 I squatted to tie my shoe during the French national anthem. I don’t care what they write about me.” Hristo Stoichkov

Having recently written a piece about what a horrible little wanker Craig Bellamy is, it was only natural to follow with a homage to Hristo Stoichkov. The above quote is just an example but, seriously, this guy could start an argument with his own reflection and, throughout his career, could frequently be seen having a go at the referee, his opponents, or his manager.

However, aggression can be a very good attribute and, in Stoichkov’s case, is what drove him to become one of the best players in the world. I’ve always thought that it was such a shame he never played in English football, as his style was a perfect match to that of the English game. He fought for everything, chased back when he lost the ball, and a high tempo bought the best out of him.

‘So, the same style as Craig Bellamy then?’, I hear you say. Yes, but unlike Bellamy, Hristo Stoichkov was world class. Great as a support striker, the Bulgarian played at his best as an attacking left-winger, mainly because his crosses had an uncanny ability to find their targets in the penalty area. With the sort of pace a greyhound would be proud of, he never had a problem beating his man either, and when he wasn’t setting goals up, he was scoring them. His career record reads 220 goals in 455 games, including 83 goals in 175 games in one of the best Barcelona teams ever to have graced the Camp Nou.

Dubbed the ‘Dream Team’, Johan Cruyff’s side were unstoppable as they won La Liga four years in a row, and the Champions League in 1992. Stoichkov was the fans favourite, and remains a legend in their eyes today, having won everything he possibly could have with the club, and frequently stating his hatred for Real Madrid.

Standing at a modest 5ft 10in, the Bulgarian looked in no way a powerhouse, but that didn’t stop him producing explosive left-footed pot-shots from distance, which would have Popeye wondering what his diet consisted of. This ability also extended to sublime free-kicks, which most goalkeepers would simply have to watch as they sailed into the top corner.

The best way to remember Stoichkov is to think back to the phenomenal World Cup he had at USA ’94. That tournament was a showreel of his brilliance. The world couldn’t believe its eyes as the Bulgarian led his country to the semi-finals against all the odds, and scored some absolute beauties along the way, to clinch the golden boot. This culminated in him being crowned European footballer of the year, and earning global admiration.

Fine, his career did tail off slightly after leaving Barca, and he was last seen breaking a kid’s leg in the MLS, but who cares? Stoichkov is a true modern great, and that kid now has a story for his grandkids. Anyway, is Dimitar Berbatov the best Bulgarian player in history?

Not in my book…

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A Face I’d Like To Smack – Craig Bellamy

Posted by eddiev18 on February 17, 2009

I couldn’t really present you all with a series of players I’d like to smack-out without mentioning Craig Bellamy. It really wouldn’t be right, would it? So here he is.

The problem most people have with Bellamy is that he really is just a horrible little shit. He’s fallen out with team-mates pretty much everywhere he’s played, opposition fans treat him like some sort of pantomime villain, and even his team’s supporters are split about whether they want him at their club. In fact, Tottenham coach Tim Sherwood recently admitted Spurs reasons for wanting to sign the Welshman in the January transfer window, saying:

“That’s why we tried so hard to get Craig Bellamy because we’ve lots of nice guys at the club and, no disrespect, but Craig Bellamy is not very nice.”

So, noone likes him, and even those that do, know he’s a twat. Nice.

How smackable is his face though? Well, there aren’t many mugs as rage-inducing as this one…

Smackability Rating: 5

If there’s a player out there whose face incites you into a homicidal rage, and who I’ve not already mentioned, email their name to me at eddiesfootballblog@hotmail.co.uk. I will do the naming and shaming for you!

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A Face I’d Like To Smack – Andrei Arshavin

Posted by eddiev18 on February 14, 2009

In terms of players I’d like to hit, Andrei Arshavin is right up there.

To start with, he has the sort of arrogant swagger which is a pre-requisite of any player who wants to play for Arsenal (that, as well as being technically gifted, I must concede). However, he also made a bit of a tit of himself over the last 6 months by punting himself around to virtually all of Europe’s top clubs, even though most of them never really wanted him.

Annoyingly using that horrificly false and cliched phrase, he first claimed that Barcelona was his ‘dream’ (until it was clear the feeling wasn’t mutual), and then proceeded to ‘dream’ about Chelsea, Tottenham and, finally, Arsenal. Andrei, just keep your mouth shut in future, until you’re actually holding the shirt.

However, even if you ignore the above, he still needs a twatting. Just look at his face:

Smackability Rating: 4

If there’s a player out there whose face incites you into a homicidal rage, and who I’ve not already mentioned, email their name to me at eddiesfootballblog@hotmail.co.uk. I will do the naming and shaming for you!

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A Face I’d Like To Smack

Posted by eddiev18 on February 14, 2009

This new series is dedicated not to annoying footballers, but to footballers with the sort of smug, arrogant little face that makes you want to reach into your TV set and give them a great big smack in the face.

I’ll be putting my candidates up on the site, and giving them a smackability rating out of 5 – with 1 being a light slap and 5 being a sledgehammer to the face!

Feel free to email me the names of any players whose faces incite you into a homicidal rage, at eddiesfootballblog@hotmail.co.uk, and I will put as many of them up on the site as possible.


Smacking: Therepeutic

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