Barcelona’s Lionel Messi today named his top three fast food restaurants as Subway, McDonalds and UK sandwich chain Prêt A Manger.
The announcement was Messi’s second revelation in as many days, increasing speculation that he has begun pandering to a worryingly large proportion of the United Kingdom who, in the absence of any discernible English talent, now see him as some sort of God-like prophet.
Ben Dwayne, from Rotherham, reasoned: “This man is clearly not of this world. He is a miracle, I tell you, and a time will come when he will pass judgment on us all. We must prepare for this moment and take heed of his words today.
“We are a simple people. All we want is guidance – answers to the important questions life poses.
“Who is the best player in our humble league? Where should I have my lunch? What is the best iphone app? Shit like that.
“Lionel will guide us though the shadowy pitfalls and into the light.”
Widespread hysteria following Messi’s comments has led to the Argentine declaring that he will reveal a new ‘top three’ every day for the foreseeable future.
Future words of guidance will range from the top three tracks to play when stuck in a traffic jam to a trio of ways to kill a crocodile with your bare hands.
A spokesman for Cristiano Ronaldo reacted: “He’s doing what now?! Oh, for christ’s sake, so now he’s supposed to be some sort of all-knowing deity is he?
“It’s ridiculous, especially given that he still hasn’t proved he can do it on a cold January evening in Stoke.
“Oh, and he’s shit at headers too.”