Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘BBC’

Briatore: “I am the perfect candidate for the England job”

Posted by eddiev18 on March 9, 2012

Briatore: Not in the slightest bit big time

Former QPR chairman Flavio Briatore today sensationally declared his interest in the vacant England manager’s position.

Following the airing of a documentary this week which revealed the true extent of the Italian’s hands-on style in the Rangers’ board room, Briatore believes that he is the outstanding candidate.

In a statement he revealed: “I think that what you see in the documentary is a man with passion for the game, and that is what England needs. Plus, I will always play with two strikers because you won’t ever win if you can’t put the ball in the net. It will be four four two, four four two, four four two every time.

“England have gone through all of these idiots over the years. What they need now is a strong man, someone uncompromising. Someone like me.”

Briatore’s main competition for the job looks likely to be Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp, but the former Renault F1 manager has his concerns: “Harry has done well, but look at what has happened to him over the years.

“When he started as a manager he’d wear his tracksuit every week, but now look at him. It’s all designer suits, walking around with his hand in his pocket like he’s bloody Jose Mourinho or something. He thinks he’s big time these days.

“I, on the other hand, drive a Ford Fiesta and have never courted an underwear model in my life.”

Asked about his plans for the team, Briatore was adamant: “Whatever we do, Gavin Mahon is definitely playing centre mid. Did you see that bit in the film where I was screaming for him to come on?

“Yeah, well he scored didn’t he? The winner.

“England just needs to relax and trust in old Flavio. He knows what he’s doing.”

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Lawrenson set to talk about Liverpool in every interview this season

Posted by eddiev18 on August 17, 2011

Lawro: Like chaperoning Ann Widdecombe

The BBC confirmed today that Alan Shearer and Gary Lineker have bet fellow pundit Mark Lawrenson that he won’t be able do a single interview this season without mentioning Liverpool at least once.

The two ex-England strikers made the wager after hearing the news that the BBC had received a record number of complaints last weekend when football fans – excited about the start of the new season – tuned in to BBC One, only to be reminded that they would have to share the highs and lows of the next nine months with the insufferable Scouse moron.

Tony Grimshaw, a Wolves fan, raged: “I got so pumped up for the new season that I’d totally forgotten about what a massive tool he is. Honestly, it’s like being invited to a party at the Playboy mansion subject to the previso that you’ll take Anne Widdecombe with you.”

Supporters are so fed up that they have decided to form an action group that will ask the BBC to justify Lawrenson’s employment. Kevin Franks, the man behind it all says that enough is enough:

“I’m pretty sure that lengthy analysis of Liverpool’s title aspirations with an old mate, followed by a brief and lazy dismissal of any other team not in the top four isn’t really in the spirit of a supposedly non-biased public broadcaster.

“The fact that he still thinks his shit puns are funny after so many years of no one laughing is almost as amazing as the BBC’s inability to prevent a discussion about Bolton’s midfield from veering off on to a wank-fest over Luis Suarez.”

Gary Lineker confirmed: “He’s an utter nightmare to control. One minute we’re discussing Tony Pulis’ defensive organisation against Chelsea, and the next we’re back on to why Lawro thinks Andy Carroll is better than Sergio Aguero.

“Alan and I are hoping that the bet might force him into taking an interest in a few other clubs, but we’re not holding out any hope. At the cafeteria this morning he challenged the dinner lady to find him a better young English prospect than Jordan Henderson.

“She’d only asked him whether he wanted fried bread with his bacon.”

Lawrenson has since defended himself: “I don’t really understand what all the fuss is about – I talk about other clubs all the time.

“In fact, I was doing an interview with Martin Jol just this morning, and I told him what I told the Fulham fans – you’re not going to achieve anything this season so you should probably just give up now. I said the same to Tony Pulis last week.

“I mean that winger they’ve got is useless. They should have signed Stewart Downing – what a buy that is for Liverpool. With Henderson feeding him out wide, Suarez with a little bit of movement, Carroll with the…

“Oh… right… ”

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Eurosport designs drinking game to help viewers enjoy Fifa Women’s World Cup

Posted by eddiev18 on June 28, 2011

Drink!

Eurosport today announced that there were so many reasons to enjoy their coverage of this summer’s Fifa Women’s World Cup – all of them made even more hilarious when accompanied by a few lagers.

A promotional email sent out yesterday by the media giant read: “Summer transfer window getting you down? Fancy a break from all the speculation linking Real Madrid with a move for Tony Hibbert? Then tune in to Eurosport and watch some of this shit over a few ales – it really is comedy gold!”

In an interesting marketing tactic, the broadcaster has largely targeted students with its coverage of the tournament, and has even gone as far as designing a detailed drinking game that viewers can play as they watch the action.

“The game combines almost limitless opportunities to drink with the age-old male pastime of teasing women for being rubbish at things like throwing, catching and kicking” sniggered a Eurosport spokesman.

“For example, if a goalkeeper makes an calamitous error – which tends to happen every five minutes in women’s football – you drink two fingers. Similarly, if an attacker takes a shot on goal so feeble that it doesn’t even make it into the 6 yard box, then that’s three fingers.

“Then there are the rarer – but equally feasible – ones, like a team refusing to come out of the dressing room because they’re all wearing the same outfit. With that one you have to down your pint, which always sets the tone for a great 90 minutes of drinking.”

Steve Jobson – a student at Southampton Solent University – watched England’s amusing 1-1 draw with Mexico: “We followed Eurosport’s general rules but also added a few of our own, like ‘drink when the spectators start a tedious Mexican wave in their boredom’ and ‘drink when you see a player you might actually sleep with’. Although that last one never actually came up.”

The Chair of women’s football in the UK, Fanny Redhill, was quick to respond: “This only serves to highlight the immaturity of men. If they could stop smirking for just 10 seconds, they’d realise that women’s football is the only realistic chance they’ve got of seeing England lift the World Cup in their lifetime.”

Drunk student Darryl Long admits that he tired to stop smirking for 10 seconds, but failed: “I tried – I really did – but then I imagined a losing captain consoling her squad by inviting them all round for Häagen-Dazs and a Matthew McConaughey DVD marathon.

“I’m sorry, but it’s just too fucking funny!”

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Not-In-Any-Way-Motivational Posters – 15th September

Posted by eddiev18 on September 14, 2009

Today’s batch of completely un-inspirational warblings once again reflect on the past week in the world of football. We had Adebayor on the wind-up, which was preceded by seasonal En-ger-land post World Cup qualification hysteria, after the national team’s 5-1 win against the mighty Croatia.

A special mention must also go to the BBC for ‘treating’ us to the ‘Uefa Euro 2009’ tourmament. If i’m totally honest, I had absolutely no idea that there was such a thing, but i’m glad I watched some of it. It was knee-slappingly bad. If Uefa’s mission was to generate more respect amongst men for the women’s game, then quite what they were doing letting the BBC publically air some of the most comical goalkeeping I have ever witnessed, I will never know. Perhaps it was to make Paul Robinson feel better about himself.

In other news, Manchester United look to sew up the Korean market for another three years, by giving a lot of money to a benched Park, not a park bench (that would just be stupid).

Adebayor

Englandhysteria

womensfootball

park

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Not-In-Any-Way-Motivational Posters – 8th September

Posted by eddiev18 on September 8, 2009

Paddy Kenny, Chelsea, and the Beeb’s interesting choice of a ‘not-in-any-way biased’ pundit (stop coughing back there!) make it onto today’s list of not-in-any-way inspirational messages of sarcasm.

punditry

laundry

medicines

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The (English) Commentator’s Curse

Posted by eddiev18 on September 6, 2009

Lawrenson. Dick.

Lawrenson. Dick.

“We’re the best in the world! We’ve beaten England 2-1 at football! This is truuuuly incredible! We’ve beaten England, England the fighters’ birthplace: Lord Nelson, Lord Beaverbrook, Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Anthony Eden, Clement Attlee, Henry Cooper, Lady Diana – we’ve beaten you all. Maggie Thatcher, can you hear me? Maggie Thatcher, I have a message for you in the middle of your campaign… Maggie Thatcher, as you say in your language in the boxing bars around Madison Square Garden: Your boys took a hell of a beating!”Bjørge Lillelien (Norwegian commentator), Norway vs England, World Cup Qualifier 1981.

Ok, so there’s that, and then there’s:

“What a hit. Take a bow son”Andy Gray, Sky Sports co-commentator, after every goal scored from outside the penalty box.

And there in lies the problem, English football commentary has decayed. Gone are the days of Stuart Hall eulogising about ‘a match of titanic proportions about to take place at the colusseum’ with ‘the gladatorial figure of Owen’ looking to slay the Italian beast, when simply tasked with introducing an England vs Italy game. Nowadays you are most likely to hear some washed up ex-pro using a co-commentator’s job to try to showpiece his knowledge of the game, in a desperate attempt to convince viewers that he knows what he’s talking about. Trouble is Warren Barton, we don’t care, and we don’t want to hear you. As for an article I recently read, claiming that Mark Lawrenson was John Motson’s ‘funny side-kick’. No. Stop it. Never write that.

It also annoys me that when Sky Sports commentators are talked about, the first name that comes to everyone’s mind is Gray, who is always the co-commentator. In my mind, the reason for this is that the guys actually doing the commentating aren’t the personalities they should be. The lack of eccentric, enthusiastic shouty-blokes is evident. The closest we get to eccentric is John Motson, but he is slowly losing his marbles, and has essentially become a parody of himself. Stuart Hall is another eccentric, and also wonderfully descriptive, but has been criminally under-used by the BBC.

As for shouty-blokes, it’s a crime that Jonathan Pearce decided to ditch the radio for television. Pearce had to dumb himself down for TV, and it’s only the viewer/listener’s loss. I used to love muting the TV and tuning into Capital Gold on the radio, to hear the over-exciteable Pearce screaming with excitment when England got a throw-in in a promising position. His goal celebrations weren’t bad either… “and there was Teddy, ever so steady, and he’ll celebrate tonight with a glass of sherry!” I like that. You don’t get much rhyming anymore, and it’s certainly better than “get in there you beauty”, which could be mustered by any old drunk in the pub.

I understand that the English way is to be more reserved, with the occasional hint of sarcasm for humour. I have time for that too. For example, Motson proclaiming that England’s 5-1 win in Munich was their ‘best result against the Germans since the war’ was fantastic. However, when it’s 0-0, England v Uzbekistan, on a damp Saturday afternoon in November, the commentator has to take some form of resposability for whipping up the atmosphere. You can be damn certain that the 30,000 ‘corporate spectators’ at Wembley won’t be creating it. Turning to Joe Royale to ask ‘So Joe, after 30 minutes, have you seen any evidence of threat from this Uzbeki team?’ is not interesting, and his response is undoubtedly going to be about as exciting as watching Gordon Brown tweeze the grey hairs out of his nostril.

The reason for this rant? Jealousy. The source of this jealousy? I have just watched the following clip of yesterday’s Mexico vs Costa Rica game. I want what Mexico have.

Get rid of Martin Tyler, and get me a shouty Spanish bloke. Problem solved.

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