Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘European Football’

Messi: Subway, McDonalds and Pret are fast food’s best

Posted by eddiev18 on March 16, 2012

Messi: Take heed and ye shall see the light

Barcelona’s Lionel Messi today named his top three fast food restaurants as Subway, McDonalds and UK sandwich chain Prêt A Manger.

The announcement was Messi’s second revelation in as many days, increasing speculation that he has begun pandering to a worryingly large proportion of the United Kingdom who, in the absence of any discernible English talent, now see him as some sort of God-like prophet.

Ben Dwayne, from Rotherham, reasoned: “This man is clearly not of this world. He is a miracle, I tell you, and a time will come when he will pass judgment on us all.  We must prepare for this moment and take heed of his words today.

“We are a simple people. All we want is guidance – answers to the important questions life poses.

“Who is the best player in our humble league? Where should I have my lunch? What is the best iphone app? Shit like that.

“Lionel will guide us though the shadowy pitfalls and into the light.”

Widespread hysteria following Messi’s comments has led to the Argentine declaring that he will reveal a new ‘top three’ every day for the foreseeable future.

Future words of guidance will range from the top three tracks to play when stuck in a traffic jam to a trio of ways to kill a crocodile with your bare hands.

A spokesman for Cristiano Ronaldo reacted: “He’s doing what now?! Oh, for christ’s sake, so now he’s supposed to be some sort of all-knowing deity is he?

“It’s ridiculous, especially given that he still hasn’t proved he can do it on a cold January evening in Stoke.

“Oh, and he’s shit at headers too.”

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EXCLUSIVE: Champions League Final was actually just an online game of Fifa 11

Posted by eddiev18 on May 31, 2011

Messi: Controlled by Japanese teenager

Football fans all over the United Kingdom today woke up to the news that Saturday night’s Champions League Final was actually just a live game of Fifa 11 between a Japanese teenager and a 69 year old alcoholic pensioner.

Milllions of viewers tuned in to watch what they thought was a masterclass from Pep Guardiola’s men, only to realise later that they had actually just witnessed 14 year old Yoshio Takanawa wiping the floor of Maureen Turner from Aberdeen on Xbox Live.

United fan Kevin Wilmott was one of the few viewers who spotted the mix-up: “We all know how good Barcelona are, but that was just too fucking easy. In the second half I remember saying to my mate that it was like watching some Japanese whizz-kid play my granny at FIFA. It turns out I was pretty much bang on.

“What gave it away though, was a manouvre from Messi on 65 minutes that can only be achieved via the combo ‘b + ^ + L + select’. Human beings simply cannot phisically do that, and then follow it by beating four defenders – it was clearly a game of FIFA.”

Mrs Turner wasn’t too bothered by the defeat, and admits that she’s not much of a gamer: “My grandson Charlie was playing on his computer thingy, and I asked him if I could have a go. I chose Manchester United because David Beckham plays for them, doesn’t he? He’s a charming fellow.

“Anyway, I didn’t do very well. You see, I’d already had a few whiskeys and kept pressing pass when I meant to press shoot. Actually, now I remember it, we only scored our goal when I went for a refill and gave the controller back to Charlie.”

An ITV spokesman admitted that someone must have plugged in the wrong live output feed but – whilst they were sorry – the actual final (which Barcelona scraped 1-0) was nowhere near as exciting.

“Look, whether it’s the patronising tones of Jim Beglin, the employment of Andy Townsend, or simply the way we cut to an advert just before your team scores an important goal, ITV is renown for screwing up your enjoyment of important football matches.

“You’re just going to have to get used to it, ok?

“Plus, our mistake on Saturday resulted in millions of people witnessing the sort performance that a team of humans could only dream of relpicating. Yoshio was magnificent.

“Ok, I accept that dismantling a team controlled by a 69 year old Scottish drunk was never going to be much of a challenge, but you simply have to applaud the skill with which it was done.”

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Mourinho: Real Madrid must sponsor Battersea Dogs & Cats Home

Posted by eddiev18 on April 29, 2011

There is absolutely, positively, no way that I would even think about diving for a penalty ref...

Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho today told the club’s board that the only way to compete with rivals Barcelona is to replace their current shirt sponsor with a picture of a cute kitten or puppy.

In the aftermath of Wednesday’s defeat, Mourinho suggested that the number of refereeing decisions that go in Barcelona’s favour is almost certainly connected to the Catalan club’s unique sponsorship deal with UNICEF, and certainly not just another one of his conspiracy theories.

“I accept that officiating a football match in which all 22 players consistently cheat and angrily disagree with pretty much every decision you make must be a very difficult job. All I’m saying is that, faced with so much dishonesty, who are you going to believe? The player sporting the logo of an evil gambling company, or the player whose shirt basically says ‘every time we fail, a child dies’?

“I have to credit Barcelona for discovering such an innovative method of gamesmanship but, now that we know it works, it’s time for us to get involved.”

If the board sanction Mourinho’s plan, then the famous Real Madrid shirt would carry a weekly photo of the cutest animals that Battersea has to offer, along with the caption ‘Don’t let me go hungry’ in the native language of the match referee.

“Yeah, that’s the key”, chortled Mourinho. “We’d arrange everything to make sure that our donation is sent to Battersea only when we win, which gives the referee a serious moral dilemma when deciding major incidents. This may well help us close the gap.”

Madrid fan Luis Sanchez welcomes the move: “Fuck it, why not give it a try? Look, we all know that Real Madrid will never in a million years have the level of patience and unity that Barcelona have shown to enable them to develop such a brilliant team. That’s just not how we roll. Our thing is spending shitloads of money on marquee signings and, you know, just sort of hoping it works out. This is why I am pleased to see our manager focussing on things that he can change, like guilt-tripping the ref.”

When asked whether he truly believes the accusations he has made concerning Barcelona, or whether they are simply a result of his inability to graciously accept defeat, Mourinho was adamant – donning a pair of dark sunglasses and saying: “Look, I’m trying to free your mind. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”

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