Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Football’

Aston Villa publically submit transfer request on behalf of Emile Heskey

Posted by eddiev18 on July 22, 2011

Heskey: Yeah, he's still playing Premier League football...

Aston Villa today publicly submitted a transfer request on behalf of Emile Heskey, claiming that their ambition exceeds the talent at the disposal of the former England striker.

In an interview with Croatian newspaper Sportske Novosti the midlands club are reported to have said: “Frankly we feel disappointed that Emile hasn’t buggered off yet.

“Last summer we made a gentleman’s agreement that if a club matching his natural talent came in for him, then he wouldn’t stop us from trying to get him off our books. Naturally we are therefore extremely disappointed to hear that he has chosen to reject today’s offer from Rochdale.”

Villa fan John Yeates is a bit pissed off about it all: “In “In dendrological terms, Emile Heskey is an old Oak – large and looming, a wooden presence that apparently takes a fucking age to move when you’ve had enough of it.

“Analogies aside though, a football club really cannot win these days. If a Premier League player manages to take a break from shagging Page 3 birds long enough to actually play an acceptable few games of football, all the club seems to get in return is a few grumblings from the player about ambition, and a public flirtation with the first Russian bloke to throw him an extra wheelbarrow of gold.

“On the flip side, if the player turns to shit and becomes the bench warming equivalent of Bill Cosby’s zombie, the fucker still hangs around collecting his wages like some sort of expensive eggy fart. You have to question where that supposed ambition went to, don’t you?”

Heskey defended his stance on Twitter: “Look, as I have said many times in the past, I am trying to build for the future and staying on a wage that in no way matches my footballing ability is essential to that.

“I will not be sold this summer.”

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Sky Sports News: Look, it’s a saga because we tell you it is, ok?

Posted by eddiev18 on July 19, 2011

The Grant Nostril Saga: Will he or won't he?

Sky Sports News today announced that the word ‘saga’ means whatever the hell they want it to mean, and if football fans didn’t like it they could simply switch to another channel.

The 24-hour sports channel – once described as ‘like having the Sun shouted at you by two robots dressed as bankers’ – was responding to criticism that their continued exaggeration of mundane sports stories via the irresponsible mis-use of supporting vocabulary,  has been ruining the lives of stupid people who now think that absolutely everything is an outrageously exciting ‘saga’.

Proving the point, George Franks – who has been watching Sky Sports News avidly since the season ended on the 22nd May – was asked what had actually happened in the 58 days he has spent glued to his sofa.

“Oh, it’s all been kicking off hasn’t it?! There was the time that a man with moustache spent a day outside White Hart Lane to catch a glimpse of Luka Modric walking through a door. What a moment in the saga that was, eh?!

“What else? Oh yeah, there was the time that the bloke with the big chin brought up a picture of Wesley Sneijder on his flashy touch screen and revealed that the saga involving him joining United could be nearing a conclusion. Sky sources revealed.

“It turns out they made the whole thing up, but it kept me up all night eating Pop-Tarts waiting for the ‘Breaking News’ that was always promised every half hour after the ad breaks.

“It’s true though, I do find it hard not to turn everything into a saga these days. I can’t make breakfast without an internal commentary breaking the news that my slice of Warburton’s Seeded Batch ‘has made a dramatic move to join Toast FC on a short term contract’.

“My girlfirend has left me of course. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have broken the news on Twitter that ‘the blowjob deal had finally been agreed’.”

A Sky spokesman was unashamed of the channel’s tactics: “Sky Sports News is one of our flagship stations, and it is absolutely ghastly isn’t it?

“However, it’s a fantastic money spinner. We have learnt that if you persistently drip-feed thick people with “BREAKING NEWS” exclusives every 15 minutes, then they will happily accept spending 90% of their time watching goals from League Two and boring press conferences with Rotherham’s new assistant manager.

“They will certainly not change the channel, and frankly we don’t really care if the Oxford English Dictionary doesn’t deem Cesc Fabregas buying a pint of milk as ‘another chapter in the ongoing saga’.  We say it is, so it is. That’s the end of it.

“Although being a saga it obviously isn’t…”

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EXCLUSIVE: Redundancies not necessary in NOTW football department

Posted by eddiev18 on July 10, 2011

Blind monkeys 'could do the job if needed'

The levels of unemployment caused by the closure of News Of The World will not be as high as first anticipated, after it emerged that all of the paper’s football news is written by a computer called ‘TIM’.

The ‘Tabloid Imitation Machine’ serves almost all of Britain’s tabloid newspapers, using a unique algorithm to churn out an inhuman quantity of tiresome daily transfer gossip during football’s two annual transfer windows.

TIM’s inventor, a 10 year old child from Rotherham, explains its simplicity: “Look, it’s so fucking formulaic. Even a blind monkey with a broken crayon could do it.

“You just do two things – generate a list of players who you have decided are available for transfer, and then simply find out which clubs have a new billionaire owner.

“Once you’ve done that, it’s easy. Pick a club, pick a player, buff it out with a load of meaningless words and you’re done.

“You can see why you don’t actually need a journalist for the job. My computer pumps out four stories a minute, and can work for ten hours solid without once attempting to tap Colleen Rooney’s phone or knock off at 3pm to go to the pub.

“Plus – with its list of classic non-commital tabloid words and phrases such as ‘our sources suggest’, ‘it is understood’, ‘could’, ‘may’ and ‘rumoured to be’ – every story that TIM produces will have the quintessential tabloid stench of fabricated horse manure.”

Still waiting for some decent players to arrive, Blackburn Rovers fan George O’Keef isn’t a fan of TIM’s journalism: “This year my club was taken over by some Indians who claimed to have made loads of money from selling chicken wings or something.

“Based on such claims, you can see why the tabloid machine started churning out stories linking us with the world’s top players.

“However, I can’t help but think that – before lazily linking us to every player under the sun – a real journalist would have first checked to see if the owners were telling the truth. I mean, how much money can you really make out of selling a chicken?

TIM’s inventor scoffs at such claims: “I’m sorry, but the term ‘real journalist’ has never – and will never – be applicable to the tabloid press.”

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Article tediously compares two Portuguese men with nice hair

Posted by eddiev18 on June 22, 2011

The Portuguese man with nice hair, earlier today

Today a Portuguese man with nice hair will become manager of Chelsea, and this article will attempt to convince you how similar he is to another Portuguese man with nice hair.

The first of the comparisons comes here – in the second paragraph – when the article tells you that neither of the Portuguese men with nice hair were any good at playing football, but instead became interested in the ‘science of coaching’.

The third paragraph will attempt to cram in as many other comparisons as it can, undoubtedly mentioning the tagline ‘student of the game’, and probably then reminding you that both men won the same two trophies with the same team. The article will choose to forget that it also once told you that Aidy Boothroyd was a ‘student of the game’. You probably won’t though.

By the time the fourth paragraph has begun, the article will simply be unable to contain itself any longer – unceremoniously blurting out its first ‘Special One’ reference. However, the article now needs to back up such claims, so here are some quotes from a groundsman who used to lovingly watch the Portuguese man with nice hair from a distance when he was manager of some third division club who didn’t even have corner flags.

“My role in this article is to back up the bold claims already made, by telling you that he used to ask me to video tape all of our opponents, and then sit for hours staring at the moon for spiritual enlightenment. Then I’ll say some stuff like, ‘he was destined to succeed from a very young age’ and he ‘commanded respect, which was strange for someone so young.”

At this point the article will hope you’ve got the fucking message, but will give it one more push with the use of the unadventurous nickname ‘The Special One Mark II’ – and in doing so neatly summarise its entire tedious purpose in one fell swoop.

You will then regurgitate the whole thing to your mates in the pub, making it sound like you knew who this hell this bloke was in the first place.

Which you didn’t, and admittedly still don’t.

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Steve McClaren pretends to be Robin Hood in bizarre attempt to fit in at Forest

Posted by eddiev18 on June 14, 2011

McClaren: Just trying to fit in

Steve McClaren has trumped his famous Dutch accent interview by dressing up as Robin Hood and calling Derby County boss Nigel Clough a ‘wicked knave’.

The newly appointed Nottingham Forest manager also revealed that he has relocated his entire squad to Sherwood Forest, where they will live in a tree house built by strikers Robert Earnshaw and Dele Adebola (who he now calls ‘Little Dele’).

“Every Englishman’s home is his castle” boomed McClaren, “and this shall be our home, our castle – its foundations shaped by the teamwork and endeavour of my two strikers. Teamwork that they can call upon when we’re 1-0 down at Doncaster on a cold November eve.”

Furious after Nathan Tyson’s defection to local rivals Derby, the former England boss didn’t hold back: “Nigel Clough is a wicked knave. He has stolen Nathan Tyson from me – tricking him with the promise of silver, wenches and mead. Plus, I’m fairly sure that he said something about wanting to cut my heart out with a spoon, and I can’t be having that.”

McClaren’s wife Kathryn isn’t surprised at her husband’s behaviour: “Steve just wants people to like him. When we were in Germany he eventually won over the Wolfsburg fans by putting on a giant bratwurst costume and tap-dancing to the Vengaboys before each home game.

“The whole Robin Hood thing has gone a bit far though. He hasn’t had a bath since we got here, and I’m frankly a bit fed up of being called a wench and finding arrows in the dishwasher.”

Forest Fan Jordan Garter is upbeat about the club’s prospects under McClaren: “You just have to look at his track record – the umbrella at Wembley, the interview with the ridiculous Dutch accent, and now this Robin Hood thing – the man clearly could not have less regard for his own dignity if he tried. This makes him dangerous, some sort of maverick.

“I still don’t quite understand why he needs the bow and arrow though.”

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Rooney apologises to Britain for impending summer of hair-related tedium

Posted by eddiev18 on June 6, 2011

A moron, reading a magazine for morons

Wayne Rooney has today publically apologised for having a hair transplant, admitting that he never considered how it could affect the lives of normal people like you and me.

The England striker said in a statement: “You can’t polish a turd, but you can certainly make it a bit prettier by tying a bow around it and sprinkling on a bit of glitter. That’s all I was after with the hair transplant.

“I am saddened to discover that the people of the United Kingdom will now be subjected to weeks and weeks of insipid hair-related coverage that they are completely unable to avoid. I can only apologise for this.”

Heat magazine – taking the lead in said coverage, and ignoring the fact that most hair transplants resemble a dead chinchilla on the back of an alpaca – have confirmed that next week’s ‘Rooney Has Hair!’ special will predictably include a full page spread of the Manchester United striker sporting various celebrity hairstyles.

Heat reader Sharon Slapface, from Essex, can’t wait: “OMG! FYI, I just cannot wait to log on to Heat World (NBF!) and, you know, like, goss about his new style! I think he should go for the Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt is such a love rat, but he’s so hot! Whoop!”

Former tabloid journalist Joe Corrigan believes that today’s coverage is merely the tip of an entire iceberg of utter pointlessness.

“In the next couple of weeks we will be fed a diet of unflattering front-page photographs of Wayne and Coleen on holiday, alongside desperate attempts to engage you in online discussions with the sort of morons who enjoy The Only Way Is Essex.

“Oh, and The One Show will be interviewing a dog that has the same shaped head as Rooney, or something.

“Anyway, after a few weeks the media will decide that his hair transplant actually looks a bit shit, and will tell you to add it to all the other reasons you have for hating him – notably,  ‘he shags prostitutes and he cheats on his wife’. All of which are obviously entirely your business.”

Corrigan warns: “It’s all going to be horribly tedious, and I fully expect the nation’s average IQ to have dropped drastically by the end of the summer.”

Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that the government is monitoring the situation, but stressed that those most vulnerable to being affected by the inanity of the impending coverage should also be intelligent enough to avoid most of it.

“Yes, there exists a concern that intelligent people could be left severely brain damaged by excessive exposure to something so asinine. Thankfully though, only the mentally retarded buy things like The Mirror and Now! magazine – and obviously they’re already fucked.

“Everyone else should be alright. Just be careful what you pick up in the waiting room when you visit the dentist.”

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EXCLUSIVE: Champions League Final was actually just an online game of Fifa 11

Posted by eddiev18 on May 31, 2011

Messi: Controlled by Japanese teenager

Football fans all over the United Kingdom today woke up to the news that Saturday night’s Champions League Final was actually just a live game of Fifa 11 between a Japanese teenager and a 69 year old alcoholic pensioner.

Milllions of viewers tuned in to watch what they thought was a masterclass from Pep Guardiola’s men, only to realise later that they had actually just witnessed 14 year old Yoshio Takanawa wiping the floor of Maureen Turner from Aberdeen on Xbox Live.

United fan Kevin Wilmott was one of the few viewers who spotted the mix-up: “We all know how good Barcelona are, but that was just too fucking easy. In the second half I remember saying to my mate that it was like watching some Japanese whizz-kid play my granny at FIFA. It turns out I was pretty much bang on.

“What gave it away though, was a manouvre from Messi on 65 minutes that can only be achieved via the combo ‘b + ^ + L + select’. Human beings simply cannot phisically do that, and then follow it by beating four defenders – it was clearly a game of FIFA.”

Mrs Turner wasn’t too bothered by the defeat, and admits that she’s not much of a gamer: “My grandson Charlie was playing on his computer thingy, and I asked him if I could have a go. I chose Manchester United because David Beckham plays for them, doesn’t he? He’s a charming fellow.

“Anyway, I didn’t do very well. You see, I’d already had a few whiskeys and kept pressing pass when I meant to press shoot. Actually, now I remember it, we only scored our goal when I went for a refill and gave the controller back to Charlie.”

An ITV spokesman admitted that someone must have plugged in the wrong live output feed but – whilst they were sorry – the actual final (which Barcelona scraped 1-0) was nowhere near as exciting.

“Look, whether it’s the patronising tones of Jim Beglin, the employment of Andy Townsend, or simply the way we cut to an advert just before your team scores an important goal, ITV is renown for screwing up your enjoyment of important football matches.

“You’re just going to have to get used to it, ok?

“Plus, our mistake on Saturday resulted in millions of people witnessing the sort performance that a team of humans could only dream of relpicating. Yoshio was magnificent.

“Ok, I accept that dismantling a team controlled by a 69 year old Scottish drunk was never going to be much of a challenge, but you simply have to applaud the skill with which it was done.”

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Sky Sports inspired by Battle Royale in ‘Suvival Sunday’ revamp

Posted by eddiev18 on May 19, 2011

Samba: Up for the battle

Sky Sports announced today that, from next season onwards, any Premier League club threatened by relegation on the last day of the season would have to compete in a televised battle to the death.

A Sky source revealed: “On the last day of the season we have always had the very difficult job of forcing a lot of people to take an interest in a collection of bleak football clubs from the north of England. Surprisingly, the term ‘Survival Sunday’ has always helped us achieve this.

“Unfortunately though, it looks like our viewers have worked out that, whatever we call it, they are still just sitting indoors on a pleasant afternoon in May watching Blackburn kick seven lumps of shit out of Wolves.”

In a bold revamp for the 2011/12 season, the satellite giant plans to copy the plot of Japanese film Battle Royale and send every team in contention for relegation out to an isolated island in the Pacific ocean. There, the threatened clubs would have to to hunt and kill their rivals in order to claim another season in the top flight.

Our source couldn’t hide his excitement: “We were looking at ways of developing the ‘survival’ element of ‘Survival Sunday’, and this idea ticked all the boxes.

“I have this wonderful vision of a bloodied Christopher Samba thrusting the severed head of David Bentley into the sky, and letting out a furious war cry to seal Blackburn’s escape from the drop.”

Those opposing the changes claim that the idea of a top-flight footballer working with others, instead of simply fending for himself, is absolutely preposterous. Claudine Le Woflehoozen, a psychiatrist, explains: “A recent study – by some students who are much cleverer than you – tells us that Premier League footballers have overtaken Katie Price as the most selfish entity in the universe.

“As soon as they get on that island, the weak will either commit suicide – for fear of being eaten by George Elokobi – or they’ll stay alive by performing some sort of service for the strong – most likely sexual.

“You’ll have a situation where Daniel De Ridder is basically only alive because Gary Caldwell has decided he looks a bit like a girl. That’s not something I want to see in ‘stunning HD’.”

When asked whether the Premier League would block such a move due to the blatant brutality of the whole thing, Sky responded: “Do you honestly believe that the Premier League has the final say on anything? You do know how much fucking money we pay them, right?

“No, no, we do what we want.”

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Parker: Avram Grant got his tactics from Space Jam and The Mighty Ducks

Posted by eddiev18 on May 17, 2011

Grant: Out of duck

The story of West Ham United’s relegation took a bizarre twist today, when it was revealed that manager Avram Grant’s coaching manual was basically a collection of tactics lifted from mildly entertaining sports films like The Mighty Ducks and Space Jam.

The news will bemuse Hammers fans even further following yesterday’s claims from a journalist – who no one had heard of, but who everyone decided to believe anyway – that the Israeli’s fitness sessions were as intensive as the egg and spoon race at a sports day for three year olds.

Club captian Scott Parker noticed something odd going on in February when the Hammers went on a bit of a run: “I was like, ‘fuck me, Demba Ba looks like Marco Van Basten and Carlton Cole hasn’t tripped on the ball once’. I had to ask the gaffer how he was doing it.

“Basically, his wife had given him Space Jam on DVD for Christmas. In the film, evil alien team The Nerdlucks steal the talents of top basketball players like Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley. Avram had simply applied this to football and, to be honest, it worked great for a few weeks.

“Eventually though, Alex Ferguson figured out why Dimitar Berbatov had gone a bit shit, and the game was up.”

Grant became desperate for a new solution, and spent weeks renting classic sports movies in his search for tips.

Parker continues: “He made this speech before the Bolton game that apparently worked wonders for Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday. To be fair, it was quite inspiring, but sadly it all went downhill when he said that life was all about ‘the six inches in front of your face’.

“You simply cannot say that sort of thing to a group of men with a combined mental age of about 6, and expect them to take you seriously.”

Hammers owner David Gold admits that he probably should have spotted the problems earlier: “Now you mention it, there have been loads of those LoveFilm envelopes turning up for Avram over the last couple of months. It also explains why he was so insistent that we signed Sylvester Stallone during January transfer window.”

Despite the fact that it left them entirely open at the back, Grant defended his decision to employ the ‘Flying V’ formation during last weekend’s defeat to Wigan: “Look, did the Ducks go on to win the Playoffs or not? If it’s good enough for Gordon Bombay, then it’s good enough for me.”

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Ancelotti: Look, I was being sarcastic, ok?!

Posted by eddiev18 on May 10, 2011

Ancelotti: Sarky fucker

Carlo Ancelotti revealed today that he only does his weird raised-eyebrow-thing when he’s being sarcastic, and he obviously didn’t want to sign Fernando Torres or sack Ray Wilkins.

A very obvious disintigration of squad harmony scuppered Chelsea’s challenge for trophies this season, and two key moments stand out – the sacking of popular assistant coach Wilkins, and the decision to spend the equivalent of a Euro Millions jackpot on a striker who can’t score goals and looks like he wants to have a good cry.

Ancelotti holds his hands up: “Abramovich asked me if the players and I liked Ray, so I raised my eyebrow and said ‘No, he’s a fucking bell-end, and we all wish he had SARS’, but I was obviously being sarcastic.

“It was the same with Fernando Torres. The owner called me into his office to tell me his plan to get rid of Drogba at the end of the season, and asked whether Torres would be a decent replacement. Sarcastically I replied: ‘Sure, he’s been moping around for over a year now like some little girl who’s had her skipping rope stolen, but fuck it, why not spank £50 million on him anyway?’. I honestly thought that he’d understood the joke.”

Annoying football pundit Garth Crooks had this to say: “To be honest, this fills in a lot of the blanks. I realised something odd was going on when I interviewed Carlo after Ashley Cole had shot that work placement kid with an air rifle. Carlo said that Ashley was ‘sorry’ and ‘disappointed with himself’ but, now I remember it, Carlo’s eyebrow was definitely raised for the duration of the interview.”

One of Ancelotti’s former players, Gennaro Gattuso, also backs the Italian’s sarcasm claim: “After I behaved like a complete fuckwit in our Champions League game with Spurs, Carlo actually defended me. He called me a ‘good man’. Would a ‘good man’ have just spent 90 minutes trying to get the opposition sent off, before nutting their assistant manager on the way home? Even if you miss the eyebrow raise, you’ve got to be a fucking moron not to see the sarcasm in that.”

Ancelotti, now wearing a balaclava, maintains that it really was just a big misunderstanding with his owner: “I can promise you that I’m not making this up to protect my integrity and cover up yet another example of Abramovich undermining a Chelsea manager.

I also refute the claim that I’m just wearing this balaclava to hide my eyebrows. My face is cold, ok?”

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