Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Jose Mourinho’

Briatore: “I am the perfect candidate for the England job”

Posted by eddiev18 on March 9, 2012

Briatore: Not in the slightest bit big time

Former QPR chairman Flavio Briatore today sensationally declared his interest in the vacant England manager’s position.

Following the airing of a documentary this week which revealed the true extent of the Italian’s hands-on style in the Rangers’ board room, Briatore believes that he is the outstanding candidate.

In a statement he revealed: “I think that what you see in the documentary is a man with passion for the game, and that is what England needs. Plus, I will always play with two strikers because you won’t ever win if you can’t put the ball in the net. It will be four four two, four four two, four four two every time.

“England have gone through all of these idiots over the years. What they need now is a strong man, someone uncompromising. Someone like me.”

Briatore’s main competition for the job looks likely to be Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp, but the former Renault F1 manager has his concerns: “Harry has done well, but look at what has happened to him over the years.

“When he started as a manager he’d wear his tracksuit every week, but now look at him. It’s all designer suits, walking around with his hand in his pocket like he’s bloody Jose Mourinho or something. He thinks he’s big time these days.

“I, on the other hand, drive a Ford Fiesta and have never courted an underwear model in my life.”

Asked about his plans for the team, Briatore was adamant: “Whatever we do, Gavin Mahon is definitely playing centre mid. Did you see that bit in the film where I was screaming for him to come on?

“Yeah, well he scored didn’t he? The winner.

“England just needs to relax and trust in old Flavio. He knows what he’s doing.”

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Article tediously compares two Portuguese men with nice hair

Posted by eddiev18 on June 22, 2011

The Portuguese man with nice hair, earlier today

Today a Portuguese man with nice hair will become manager of Chelsea, and this article will attempt to convince you how similar he is to another Portuguese man with nice hair.

The first of the comparisons comes here – in the second paragraph – when the article tells you that neither of the Portuguese men with nice hair were any good at playing football, but instead became interested in the ‘science of coaching’.

The third paragraph will attempt to cram in as many other comparisons as it can, undoubtedly mentioning the tagline ‘student of the game’, and probably then reminding you that both men won the same two trophies with the same team. The article will choose to forget that it also once told you that Aidy Boothroyd was a ‘student of the game’. You probably won’t though.

By the time the fourth paragraph has begun, the article will simply be unable to contain itself any longer – unceremoniously blurting out its first ‘Special One’ reference. However, the article now needs to back up such claims, so here are some quotes from a groundsman who used to lovingly watch the Portuguese man with nice hair from a distance when he was manager of some third division club who didn’t even have corner flags.

“My role in this article is to back up the bold claims already made, by telling you that he used to ask me to video tape all of our opponents, and then sit for hours staring at the moon for spiritual enlightenment. Then I’ll say some stuff like, ‘he was destined to succeed from a very young age’ and he ‘commanded respect, which was strange for someone so young.”

At this point the article will hope you’ve got the fucking message, but will give it one more push with the use of the unadventurous nickname ‘The Special One Mark II’ – and in doing so neatly summarise its entire tedious purpose in one fell swoop.

You will then regurgitate the whole thing to your mates in the pub, making it sound like you knew who this hell this bloke was in the first place.

Which you didn’t, and admittedly still don’t.

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Mourinho: Real Madrid must sponsor Battersea Dogs & Cats Home

Posted by eddiev18 on April 29, 2011

There is absolutely, positively, no way that I would even think about diving for a penalty ref...

Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho today told the club’s board that the only way to compete with rivals Barcelona is to replace their current shirt sponsor with a picture of a cute kitten or puppy.

In the aftermath of Wednesday’s defeat, Mourinho suggested that the number of refereeing decisions that go in Barcelona’s favour is almost certainly connected to the Catalan club’s unique sponsorship deal with UNICEF, and certainly not just another one of his conspiracy theories.

“I accept that officiating a football match in which all 22 players consistently cheat and angrily disagree with pretty much every decision you make must be a very difficult job. All I’m saying is that, faced with so much dishonesty, who are you going to believe? The player sporting the logo of an evil gambling company, or the player whose shirt basically says ‘every time we fail, a child dies’?

“I have to credit Barcelona for discovering such an innovative method of gamesmanship but, now that we know it works, it’s time for us to get involved.”

If the board sanction Mourinho’s plan, then the famous Real Madrid shirt would carry a weekly photo of the cutest animals that Battersea has to offer, along with the caption ‘Don’t let me go hungry’ in the native language of the match referee.

“Yeah, that’s the key”, chortled Mourinho. “We’d arrange everything to make sure that our donation is sent to Battersea only when we win, which gives the referee a serious moral dilemma when deciding major incidents. This may well help us close the gap.”

Madrid fan Luis Sanchez welcomes the move: “Fuck it, why not give it a try? Look, we all know that Real Madrid will never in a million years have the level of patience and unity that Barcelona have shown to enable them to develop such a brilliant team. That’s just not how we roll. Our thing is spending shitloads of money on marquee signings and, you know, just sort of hoping it works out. This is why I am pleased to see our manager focussing on things that he can change, like guilt-tripping the ref.”

When asked whether he truly believes the accusations he has made concerning Barcelona, or whether they are simply a result of his inability to graciously accept defeat, Mourinho was adamant – donning a pair of dark sunglasses and saying: “Look, I’m trying to free your mind. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”

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