The BBC confirmed today that Alan Shearer and Gary Lineker have bet fellow pundit Mark Lawrenson that he won’t be able do a single interview this season without mentioning Liverpool at least once.
The two ex-England strikers made the wager after hearing the news that the BBC had received a record number of complaints last weekend when football fans – excited about the start of the new season – tuned in to BBC One, only to be reminded that they would have to share the highs and lows of the next nine months with the insufferable Scouse moron.
Tony Grimshaw, a Wolves fan, raged: “I got so pumped up for the new season that I’d totally forgotten about what a massive tool he is. Honestly, it’s like being invited to a party at the Playboy mansion subject to the previso that you’ll take Anne Widdecombe with you.”
Supporters are so fed up that they have decided to form an action group that will ask the BBC to justify Lawrenson’s employment. Kevin Franks, the man behind it all says that enough is enough:
“I’m pretty sure that lengthy analysis of Liverpool’s title aspirations with an old mate, followed by a brief and lazy dismissal of any other team not in the top four isn’t really in the spirit of a supposedly non-biased public broadcaster.
“The fact that he still thinks his shit puns are funny after so many years of no one laughing is almost as amazing as the BBC’s inability to prevent a discussion about Bolton’s midfield from veering off on to a wank-fest over Luis Suarez.”
Gary Lineker confirmed: “He’s an utter nightmare to control. One minute we’re discussing Tony Pulis’ defensive organisation against Chelsea, and the next we’re back on to why Lawro thinks Andy Carroll is better than Sergio Aguero.
“Alan and I are hoping that the bet might force him into taking an interest in a few other clubs, but we’re not holding out any hope. At the cafeteria this morning he challenged the dinner lady to find him a better young English prospect than Jordan Henderson.
“She’d only asked him whether he wanted fried bread with his bacon.”
Lawrenson has since defended himself: “I don’t really understand what all the fuss is about – I talk about other clubs all the time.
“In fact, I was doing an interview with Martin Jol just this morning, and I told him what I told the Fulham fans – you’re not going to achieve anything this season so you should probably just give up now. I said the same to Tony Pulis last week.
“I mean that winger they’ve got is useless. They should have signed Stewart Downing – what a buy that is for Liverpool. With Henderson feeding him out wide, Suarez with a little bit of movement, Carroll with the…
“Oh… right… ”
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