Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Lionel Messi’

Messi: Subway, McDonalds and Pret are fast food’s best

Posted by eddiev18 on March 16, 2012

Messi: Take heed and ye shall see the light

Barcelona’s Lionel Messi today named his top three fast food restaurants as Subway, McDonalds and UK sandwich chain Prêt A Manger.

The announcement was Messi’s second revelation in as many days, increasing speculation that he has begun pandering to a worryingly large proportion of the United Kingdom who, in the absence of any discernible English talent, now see him as some sort of God-like prophet.

Ben Dwayne, from Rotherham, reasoned: “This man is clearly not of this world. He is a miracle, I tell you, and a time will come when he will pass judgment on us all.  We must prepare for this moment and take heed of his words today.

“We are a simple people. All we want is guidance – answers to the important questions life poses.

“Who is the best player in our humble league? Where should I have my lunch? What is the best iphone app? Shit like that.

“Lionel will guide us though the shadowy pitfalls and into the light.”

Widespread hysteria following Messi’s comments has led to the Argentine declaring that he will reveal a new ‘top three’ every day for the foreseeable future.

Future words of guidance will range from the top three tracks to play when stuck in a traffic jam to a trio of ways to kill a crocodile with your bare hands.

A spokesman for Cristiano Ronaldo reacted: “He’s doing what now?! Oh, for christ’s sake, so now he’s supposed to be some sort of all-knowing deity is he?

“It’s ridiculous, especially given that he still hasn’t proved he can do it on a cold January evening in Stoke.

“Oh, and he’s shit at headers too.”

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FA told coaches to monitor egg and spoon races in hunt for ‘English Messi’

Posted by eddiev18 on June 19, 2011

England's future number 9?

Football fans were outraged today when they learned the reason why England hasn’t produced any decent footballers in a very long time.

A tabloid newspaper has leaked the Football Association’s controversial ‘Dossier For Future Talent’, which contains a bizarre list of advice for youth development coaches – ranging from the avoidance of children born in May, to the monitoring of primary school egg and spoon races.

Sir Trevor Brooking – who does something at the FA’s headquarters – admits that change is necessary but isn’t entirely dismissive of the controversial methods of talent spotting.

“Do I think that ‘the ability to cook a soft boiled egg’ is an important characteristic to look for in a young footballer? No, probably not. However, the fans have to realise that – without that in the dossier – Emile Heskey would have never made it as a footballer.

“So, you know, you can’t say the current system hasn’t served a purpose.”

However, FA development coach John Hendry admits that he has found the dossier difficult to follow: “Over the years, we have been told to look for players who – amongst other criteria – are born in the winter, prefer dogs to cats, go to the cinema on averge 2.7 times a month, and in a blind test would always choose Pepsi over the own-brand cola.

“As a result, we very rarely find ourselves telling a parent to encourage their child to play professional football. Last year we had this incredible Xavi-like 7 year-old who we were really excited about. However, he chose Sainsbury’s ‘Classic’ cola in the blind test so – going by the dossier – we had to tell his parents that he was shit.”

England fan Darren Waynes thinks that blind monkeys could do a better job than the FA: “Blind monkeys could do a better job than the FA.

“Surely the first thing to look for in a young player is ‘the ability to pass the ball in a straight line’. Once you’ve nailed that, you can move on to the more complicated stuff like ‘the ability to take more than two touches without hitting a 50 yard ball to a six foot ape of a striker’.

“I can’t think of anyone in the current England squad with either of those abilities, so it seems fairly obvious doesn’t it?”

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That Boy Got Skills – Falcao

Posted by eddiev18 on December 21, 2008

Much like going to a McDonalds in Paris, it’s the little differences that make the game of futsal unique, and a lot harder than the 5-a-side football we all know and love (certainly in the UK anyway). The main difference is the ball, which is much heavier than a standard football, making it significantly more difficult to run past players, or blast the ball from distance. The aim therefore is to use quick incisive passing, and close control to overcome your opponents.

The Portuguese and Spanish-speaking nations adore futsal and, considering many of Brazil, Argentina, Portugal and Spain’s young kids play it on a regular basis, it is easy to see why the likes of Ronaldinho, Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, and Robinho are a class apart. If Sir Trevor Brooking wants a good way of forcing English youngsters to develop similar technique, in an enjoyable and competitive environment, this game is the answer… if he can get them away from their Playstations that is.

Anyway, on to Falcao. Ok, I’ll admit it right now, I’d never heard of this guy before last week. ‘You heard of this dude Falcao?’ asked a colleague at work. I hadn’t, so I was summoned to view a clip on YouTube of this 31 year old Brazilian who’s never pulled up any trees in the 11-a-side game, but is dubbed ‘the best futsal player in the world’.

Flying scissor kicks, mazy dribbles, and pieces of skill almost as mind-boggling as the appeal of Hollyoaks, if you looked up ‘box of tricks’ in the English dictionary, Falcao’s picture would be plasted right next to the description (ok, maybe not, but it should be).

I’m not going to go on and on, just watch the clip below. Look out for the cheeky finish on 0:30 secs, the shoulder control on 0:50, and the outrageous flick he uses to round the goalkeeper and score (1 minute into the video).

Falcao, king of futsal, we salute you.

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