Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Premier League’

Messi: Subway, McDonalds and Pret are fast food’s best

Posted by eddiev18 on March 16, 2012

Messi: Take heed and ye shall see the light

Barcelona’s Lionel Messi today named his top three fast food restaurants as Subway, McDonalds and UK sandwich chain Prêt A Manger.

The announcement was Messi’s second revelation in as many days, increasing speculation that he has begun pandering to a worryingly large proportion of the United Kingdom who, in the absence of any discernible English talent, now see him as some sort of God-like prophet.

Ben Dwayne, from Rotherham, reasoned: “This man is clearly not of this world. He is a miracle, I tell you, and a time will come when he will pass judgment on us all.  We must prepare for this moment and take heed of his words today.

“We are a simple people. All we want is guidance – answers to the important questions life poses.

“Who is the best player in our humble league? Where should I have my lunch? What is the best iphone app? Shit like that.

“Lionel will guide us though the shadowy pitfalls and into the light.”

Widespread hysteria following Messi’s comments has led to the Argentine declaring that he will reveal a new ‘top three’ every day for the foreseeable future.

Future words of guidance will range from the top three tracks to play when stuck in a traffic jam to a trio of ways to kill a crocodile with your bare hands.

A spokesman for Cristiano Ronaldo reacted: “He’s doing what now?! Oh, for christ’s sake, so now he’s supposed to be some sort of all-knowing deity is he?

“It’s ridiculous, especially given that he still hasn’t proved he can do it on a cold January evening in Stoke.

“Oh, and he’s shit at headers too.”

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Briatore: “I am the perfect candidate for the England job”

Posted by eddiev18 on March 9, 2012

Briatore: Not in the slightest bit big time

Former QPR chairman Flavio Briatore today sensationally declared his interest in the vacant England manager’s position.

Following the airing of a documentary this week which revealed the true extent of the Italian’s hands-on style in the Rangers’ board room, Briatore believes that he is the outstanding candidate.

In a statement he revealed: “I think that what you see in the documentary is a man with passion for the game, and that is what England needs. Plus, I will always play with two strikers because you won’t ever win if you can’t put the ball in the net. It will be four four two, four four two, four four two every time.

“England have gone through all of these idiots over the years. What they need now is a strong man, someone uncompromising. Someone like me.”

Briatore’s main competition for the job looks likely to be Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp, but the former Renault F1 manager has his concerns: “Harry has done well, but look at what has happened to him over the years.

“When he started as a manager he’d wear his tracksuit every week, but now look at him. It’s all designer suits, walking around with his hand in his pocket like he’s bloody Jose Mourinho or something. He thinks he’s big time these days.

“I, on the other hand, drive a Ford Fiesta and have never courted an underwear model in my life.”

Asked about his plans for the team, Briatore was adamant: “Whatever we do, Gavin Mahon is definitely playing centre mid. Did you see that bit in the film where I was screaming for him to come on?

“Yeah, well he scored didn’t he? The winner.

“England just needs to relax and trust in old Flavio. He knows what he’s doing.”

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Great Football Speeches, digitally remastered by Darth Vader

Posted by eddiev18 on October 19, 2011

#1 Kevin Keegan would ‘love it’

The decision to run a series of great football speeches digitally remastered by Darth Vader was a pretty easy one. However, deciding which speech should be the Dark Lord of the Sith’s first assignment was even easier.

Everyone remembers this explosion by Kevin Keegan. He was so angry that he actually made less sense than the plot to Hollyoaks. I mean, what does ‘when you do things like that about a man like Stuart Pearce’ actually mean?

Take it away Darth…



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Mick’s Musings: Mick’s passionate ode to QPR

Posted by eddiev18 on October 14, 2011

Mick McCarthy is full of inspirational words. He’s a man worth listening to.

Last month he delivered a passionate ode to Premier League new-boys Queens Park Rangers, and here it is digitally re-mastered.

All hail.



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Premier League Predictions: 15/16th October

Posted by eddiev18 on October 14, 2011

Read my Friday predictions column on London 24 by clicking here.

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Roman Pavlyuchenko In ‘Where’s Wally’ Career Change

Posted by eddiev18 on October 11, 2011

Part of the podcast work I do for Fantasy League involves creating a ‘Where’s Wally’ style game with Roman Pavlyuchenko.

Don’t ask why, just click here to see if you can find him

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Premier League Predictions: 1st/2nd October

Posted by eddiev18 on September 30, 2011

Read my Friday predictions column on London 24 by clicking here.

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Yakubu dedicates goals to fatties everywhere

Posted by eddiev18 on September 17, 2011

Feed the Yak and he will score

Blackburn striker Yakubu responded to recent speculation that he’d been spending too much time at the Pizza Hut buffet in spectacular fashion today, when he scored twice in Blackburn’s 4-3 win over Arsenal.

After the game, the Nigerian wheezed: “Once I’d run off the massive stitch I got in the first five minutes I was bang up for it.

“To be honest, I really hope those goals serve to shut a few people up.

“I’m happy to admit that being offered all the fried chicken I could eat played rather a large part in my decision to come here, but I think I’ve shown today that you don’t have to be a size zero to play this game.”

Blackburn manager Steve Kean reckons his striker is a fantastic role model to youngsters who could do with losing a few pounds: “Little ruddy-cheeked podgsters all over the country will have seen Yak’s performance today and gone, ‘if a lard-arse like him can cut it in the Premier League then why can’t I play for my school’s under 9s?’.

“He’s an inspiration.”

The Nigerian’s self confidence left Weight Watchers prisoner Joe Meldley feeling empowered: “Damn it, the Yak is right! I don’t need to sit on my sofa sobbing into this pot of cottage cheese. I’m big, you hear me?

“There you go, I said it! I’m big, and I’m proud. Screw this Ryvita, I’m ordering a Dominoes.”

Annoyingly it was Gok Wan who had the final word on this story, when he said this: “What has the Yak shown us today? That’s right girlfriends, you don’t have to be thin to bang it in.

“It’s all about the confidence ladies, and this perfectly formed piece of rump is massively workin’ it.”

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Premier League Weekend Reaction: Spurs fans relieved, Vorm dedicates gaffe to Gomes and Torres makes time travel progress

Posted by eddiev18 on September 12, 2011

Parker: T'riffic pro

Tottenham fans had reason to celebrate this weekend, after learning that Harry Redknapp might not have signed Scott Parker just because he understands what a throw-in is and never forgets to feed his dog.

After two and a half years of stockpiling ‘t’riffic pros’ and ‘great lads’ who couldn’t hit a barn door but were always happy to collect up the cones at the end of training, there were signs that Redknapp might have started another round of character recruitment with his deal for the ex-Hammer on deadline day.

John Grimshaw, from Chigwell, explains: “Harry re-signed Robbie Keane’s shadow for being ‘great in the dressing room’, so when you see him sitting next to Parker saying things like ‘good family man’ and ‘great around the place’, you do fear the worst.”

Parker’s excellent debut on Saturday dispelled such fears though : “We were pleasantly surprised – and obviously a massively relieved – to see that this one can also do stuff like run and pass the ball to a team mate.”

Elsewhere, Swansea goalkeeper Michel Vorm has dedicated his gaffe at the Emirates to sidelined Spurs stopper Herelho Gomes.

Dutchman Vorm, who appeared to be eliminating team mate Angel Rangel in an imaginary game of Dodgeball, has since claimed that hilarious moments of complete and utter fist-in-mouth calamity are part and parcel of the entertainment of football, and if Gomes isn’t around to produce them then someone else needs to step up.

“Look, people pay good money to be entertained, so if the game is likely to be a drab 0-0 bore then something needs to be done.

“Whether it’s spooning a straightforward shot over the line, hareing wildly after a loose ball and giving a penalty away, or just pelting it at your own right back when he’s not looking, a goalkeeper has so much power to entertain the fans.

“No goalkeeper understands this better than Gomes, so it’s sad to see that he’s not playing. That one was for him.”

Finally, it was confirmed yesterday that Fernando Torres only moved to Chelsea in January because he wanted more spare time to focus on his attempt to build a time machine.

The £50 million striker’s lack of recent game time has seen the Spaniard make good progress in his bid to travel back to the summer of 2008 when everything was lovely and he didn’t look like he wanted to cry all the time.

A club source told us: “The fact that Sturridge and Anelka started ahead of him on Saturday didn’t concern Fernando at all. In fact, he was in great spirits.

“Basically, he’d managed to track down a man who was willing to sell him his 1981 DeLorean DMC-12. This is exciting because – given the work Fernando has done since January on his version of the Flux Capacitor – he reckons he’ll be back in 2008 by Christmas.”

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Aston Villa publically submit transfer request on behalf of Emile Heskey

Posted by eddiev18 on July 22, 2011

Heskey: Yeah, he's still playing Premier League football...

Aston Villa today publicly submitted a transfer request on behalf of Emile Heskey, claiming that their ambition exceeds the talent at the disposal of the former England striker.

In an interview with Croatian newspaper Sportske Novosti the midlands club are reported to have said: “Frankly we feel disappointed that Emile hasn’t buggered off yet.

“Last summer we made a gentleman’s agreement that if a club matching his natural talent came in for him, then he wouldn’t stop us from trying to get him off our books. Naturally we are therefore extremely disappointed to hear that he has chosen to reject today’s offer from Rochdale.”

Villa fan John Yeates is a bit pissed off about it all: “In “In dendrological terms, Emile Heskey is an old Oak – large and looming, a wooden presence that apparently takes a fucking age to move when you’ve had enough of it.

“Analogies aside though, a football club really cannot win these days. If a Premier League player manages to take a break from shagging Page 3 birds long enough to actually play an acceptable few games of football, all the club seems to get in return is a few grumblings from the player about ambition, and a public flirtation with the first Russian bloke to throw him an extra wheelbarrow of gold.

“On the flip side, if the player turns to shit and becomes the bench warming equivalent of Bill Cosby’s zombie, the fucker still hangs around collecting his wages like some sort of expensive eggy fart. You have to question where that supposed ambition went to, don’t you?”

Heskey defended his stance on Twitter: “Look, as I have said many times in the past, I am trying to build for the future and staying on a wage that in no way matches my footballing ability is essential to that.

“I will not be sold this summer.”

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