Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘QPR’

Briatore: “I am the perfect candidate for the England job”

Posted by eddiev18 on March 9, 2012

Briatore: Not in the slightest bit big time

Former QPR chairman Flavio Briatore today sensationally declared his interest in the vacant England manager’s position.

Following the airing of a documentary this week which revealed the true extent of the Italian’s hands-on style in the Rangers’ board room, Briatore believes that he is the outstanding candidate.

In a statement he revealed: “I think that what you see in the documentary is a man with passion for the game, and that is what England needs. Plus, I will always play with two strikers because you won’t ever win if you can’t put the ball in the net. It will be four four two, four four two, four four two every time.

“England have gone through all of these idiots over the years. What they need now is a strong man, someone uncompromising. Someone like me.”

Briatore’s main competition for the job looks likely to be Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp, but the former Renault F1 manager has his concerns: “Harry has done well, but look at what has happened to him over the years.

“When he started as a manager he’d wear his tracksuit every week, but now look at him. It’s all designer suits, walking around with his hand in his pocket like he’s bloody Jose Mourinho or something. He thinks he’s big time these days.

“I, on the other hand, drive a Ford Fiesta and have never courted an underwear model in my life.”

Asked about his plans for the team, Briatore was adamant: “Whatever we do, Gavin Mahon is definitely playing centre mid. Did you see that bit in the film where I was screaming for him to come on?

“Yeah, well he scored didn’t he? The winner.

“England just needs to relax and trust in old Flavio. He knows what he’s doing.”

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‘When does football just fucking stop?’ sob women

Posted by eddiev18 on May 24, 2011

Women: Upset

Women all over the country have been left shocked by the news that the end of the football season simply kick-starts a summer of transfer gossip – which their men still find more entertaining than that nice French film.

“What the fuck?!” said one woman who was promised Saturday afternoon tea at the Ritz nine months ago, “Monday 23rd May has been circled in glitterpen with a little smiley face since last August and, when it finally gets here, he spends all day on an internet messageboard speculating on whether Joe Cole has signed a pre-contract with QPR. I’m fucking livid.”

Another sobbing girlfriend wailed: “I feel such a fool for thinking it was all over. I organised a romantic dinner to celebrate the return of our relationship, but when we sat down all Darren could talk about was some striker from the French second division.”

However, lads mag editor Bob Tuppins can’t understand the problem, and thinks the transfer window is something women should learn to embrace.

“Look, women love a bit of shopping don’t they? All they’ve got to do is change their mindset slightly, and recognise the transfer window for what it is – one big, fancy shopping spree.”

Turning to a female reporter, Tuppins continued: “Look babe, you know that Dior handbag you’ve always wanted? Well, that’s Sergio Aguero – everyone wants him. Thing is though, you’re not going to just buy the most expensive bag you see are you?

“Nah, you’ll shop around a bit – maybe find a bag from an up-and-coming designer that’s half the price. It could be a classic in years to come, right? Well, that’s like United picking up Javier Hernandez for 6 million.

“Finally you’ve got a transfer haul containing Phil Neville, Emile Heskey and Carlton Cole. Tell me, have you ever picked up a 3-pack of briefs for your fella at Tesco?”

Foxi Spalding – another disgruntled girlfriend – disagrees: “So I’m supposed to get together with my girlfriends to watch Sylvain Distin talk about his free transfer to Fulham?

“How the hell is that better than buying a coffee with a name that makes no sense, before spanking £400 on a pair of shoes that I probably won’t wear because my ankles look fat?

“Men are so weird.”

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