Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Scott Parker’

Premier League Weekend Reaction: Spurs fans relieved, Vorm dedicates gaffe to Gomes and Torres makes time travel progress

Posted by eddiev18 on September 12, 2011

Parker: T'riffic pro

Tottenham fans had reason to celebrate this weekend, after learning that Harry Redknapp might not have signed Scott Parker just because he understands what a throw-in is and never forgets to feed his dog.

After two and a half years of stockpiling ‘t’riffic pros’ and ‘great lads’ who couldn’t hit a barn door but were always happy to collect up the cones at the end of training, there were signs that Redknapp might have started another round of character recruitment with his deal for the ex-Hammer on deadline day.

John Grimshaw, from Chigwell, explains: “Harry re-signed Robbie Keane’s shadow for being ‘great in the dressing room’, so when you see him sitting next to Parker saying things like ‘good family man’ and ‘great around the place’, you do fear the worst.”

Parker’s excellent debut on Saturday dispelled such fears though : “We were pleasantly surprised – and obviously a massively relieved – to see that this one can also do stuff like run and pass the ball to a team mate.”

Elsewhere, Swansea goalkeeper Michel Vorm has dedicated his gaffe at the Emirates to sidelined Spurs stopper Herelho Gomes.

Dutchman Vorm, who appeared to be eliminating team mate Angel Rangel in an imaginary game of Dodgeball, has since claimed that hilarious moments of complete and utter fist-in-mouth calamity are part and parcel of the entertainment of football, and if Gomes isn’t around to produce them then someone else needs to step up.

“Look, people pay good money to be entertained, so if the game is likely to be a drab 0-0 bore then something needs to be done.

“Whether it’s spooning a straightforward shot over the line, hareing wildly after a loose ball and giving a penalty away, or just pelting it at your own right back when he’s not looking, a goalkeeper has so much power to entertain the fans.

“No goalkeeper understands this better than Gomes, so it’s sad to see that he’s not playing. That one was for him.”

Finally, it was confirmed yesterday that Fernando Torres only moved to Chelsea in January because he wanted more spare time to focus on his attempt to build a time machine.

The £50 million striker’s lack of recent game time has seen the Spaniard make good progress in his bid to travel back to the summer of 2008 when everything was lovely and he didn’t look like he wanted to cry all the time.

A club source told us: “The fact that Sturridge and Anelka started ahead of him on Saturday didn’t concern Fernando at all. In fact, he was in great spirits.

“Basically, he’d managed to track down a man who was willing to sell him his 1981 DeLorean DMC-12. This is exciting because – given the work Fernando has done since January on his version of the Flux Capacitor – he reckons he’ll be back in 2008 by Christmas.”


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Parker: Avram Grant got his tactics from Space Jam and The Mighty Ducks

Posted by eddiev18 on May 17, 2011

Grant: Out of duck

The story of West Ham United’s relegation took a bizarre twist today, when it was revealed that manager Avram Grant’s coaching manual was basically a collection of tactics lifted from mildly entertaining sports films like The Mighty Ducks and Space Jam.

The news will bemuse Hammers fans even further following yesterday’s claims from a journalist – who no one had heard of, but who everyone decided to believe anyway – that the Israeli’s fitness sessions were as intensive as the egg and spoon race at a sports day for three year olds.

Club captian Scott Parker noticed something odd going on in February when the Hammers went on a bit of a run: “I was like, ‘fuck me, Demba Ba looks like Marco Van Basten and Carlton Cole hasn’t tripped on the ball once’. I had to ask the gaffer how he was doing it.

“Basically, his wife had given him Space Jam on DVD for Christmas. In the film, evil alien team The Nerdlucks steal the talents of top basketball players like Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley. Avram had simply applied this to football and, to be honest, it worked great for a few weeks.

“Eventually though, Alex Ferguson figured out why Dimitar Berbatov had gone a bit shit, and the game was up.”

Grant became desperate for a new solution, and spent weeks renting classic sports movies in his search for tips.

Parker continues: “He made this speech before the Bolton game that apparently worked wonders for Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday. To be fair, it was quite inspiring, but sadly it all went downhill when he said that life was all about ‘the six inches in front of your face’.

“You simply cannot say that sort of thing to a group of men with a combined mental age of about 6, and expect them to take you seriously.”

Hammers owner David Gold admits that he probably should have spotted the problems earlier: “Now you mention it, there have been loads of those LoveFilm envelopes turning up for Avram over the last couple of months. It also explains why he was so insistent that we signed Sylvester Stallone during January transfer window.”

Despite the fact that it left them entirely open at the back, Grant defended his decision to employ the ‘Flying V’ formation during last weekend’s defeat to Wigan: “Look, did the Ducks go on to win the Playoffs or not? If it’s good enough for Gordon Bombay, then it’s good enough for me.”

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