Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Sergio Aguero’

Messi: Subway, McDonalds and Pret are fast food’s best

Posted by eddiev18 on March 16, 2012

Messi: Take heed and ye shall see the light

Barcelona’s Lionel Messi today named his top three fast food restaurants as Subway, McDonalds and UK sandwich chain Prêt A Manger.

The announcement was Messi’s second revelation in as many days, increasing speculation that he has begun pandering to a worryingly large proportion of the United Kingdom who, in the absence of any discernible English talent, now see him as some sort of God-like prophet.

Ben Dwayne, from Rotherham, reasoned: “This man is clearly not of this world. He is a miracle, I tell you, and a time will come when he will pass judgment on us all.  We must prepare for this moment and take heed of his words today.

“We are a simple people. All we want is guidance – answers to the important questions life poses.

“Who is the best player in our humble league? Where should I have my lunch? What is the best iphone app? Shit like that.

“Lionel will guide us though the shadowy pitfalls and into the light.”

Widespread hysteria following Messi’s comments has led to the Argentine declaring that he will reveal a new ‘top three’ every day for the foreseeable future.

Future words of guidance will range from the top three tracks to play when stuck in a traffic jam to a trio of ways to kill a crocodile with your bare hands.

A spokesman for Cristiano Ronaldo reacted: “He’s doing what now?! Oh, for christ’s sake, so now he’s supposed to be some sort of all-knowing deity is he?

“It’s ridiculous, especially given that he still hasn’t proved he can do it on a cold January evening in Stoke.

“Oh, and he’s shit at headers too.”

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‘When does football just fucking stop?’ sob women

Posted by eddiev18 on May 24, 2011

Women: Upset

Women all over the country have been left shocked by the news that the end of the football season simply kick-starts a summer of transfer gossip – which their men still find more entertaining than that nice French film.

“What the fuck?!” said one woman who was promised Saturday afternoon tea at the Ritz nine months ago, “Monday 23rd May has been circled in glitterpen with a little smiley face since last August and, when it finally gets here, he spends all day on an internet messageboard speculating on whether Joe Cole has signed a pre-contract with QPR. I’m fucking livid.”

Another sobbing girlfriend wailed: “I feel such a fool for thinking it was all over. I organised a romantic dinner to celebrate the return of our relationship, but when we sat down all Darren could talk about was some striker from the French second division.”

However, lads mag editor Bob Tuppins can’t understand the problem, and thinks the transfer window is something women should learn to embrace.

“Look, women love a bit of shopping don’t they? All they’ve got to do is change their mindset slightly, and recognise the transfer window for what it is – one big, fancy shopping spree.”

Turning to a female reporter, Tuppins continued: “Look babe, you know that Dior handbag you’ve always wanted? Well, that’s Sergio Aguero – everyone wants him. Thing is though, you’re not going to just buy the most expensive bag you see are you?

“Nah, you’ll shop around a bit – maybe find a bag from an up-and-coming designer that’s half the price. It could be a classic in years to come, right? Well, that’s like United picking up Javier Hernandez for 6 million.

“Finally you’ve got a transfer haul containing Phil Neville, Emile Heskey and Carlton Cole. Tell me, have you ever picked up a 3-pack of briefs for your fella at Tesco?”

Foxi Spalding – another disgruntled girlfriend – disagrees: “So I’m supposed to get together with my girlfriends to watch Sylvain Distin talk about his free transfer to Fulham?

“How the hell is that better than buying a coffee with a name that makes no sense, before spanking £400 on a pair of shoes that I probably won’t wear because my ankles look fat?

“Men are so weird.”

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