Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Sky Sports’

Sky Sports News: Look, it’s a saga because we tell you it is, ok?

Posted by eddiev18 on July 19, 2011

The Grant Nostril Saga: Will he or won't he?

Sky Sports News today announced that the word ‘saga’ means whatever the hell they want it to mean, and if football fans didn’t like it they could simply switch to another channel.

The 24-hour sports channel – once described as ‘like having the Sun shouted at you by two robots dressed as bankers’ – was responding to criticism that their continued exaggeration of mundane sports stories via the irresponsible mis-use of supporting vocabulary,  has been ruining the lives of stupid people who now think that absolutely everything is an outrageously exciting ‘saga’.

Proving the point, George Franks – who has been watching Sky Sports News avidly since the season ended on the 22nd May – was asked what had actually happened in the 58 days he has spent glued to his sofa.

“Oh, it’s all been kicking off hasn’t it?! There was the time that a man with moustache spent a day outside White Hart Lane to catch a glimpse of Luka Modric walking through a door. What a moment in the saga that was, eh?!

“What else? Oh yeah, there was the time that the bloke with the big chin brought up a picture of Wesley Sneijder on his flashy touch screen and revealed that the saga involving him joining United could be nearing a conclusion. Sky sources revealed.

“It turns out they made the whole thing up, but it kept me up all night eating Pop-Tarts waiting for the ‘Breaking News’ that was always promised every half hour after the ad breaks.

“It’s true though, I do find it hard not to turn everything into a saga these days. I can’t make breakfast without an internal commentary breaking the news that my slice of Warburton’s Seeded Batch ‘has made a dramatic move to join Toast FC on a short term contract’.

“My girlfirend has left me of course. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have broken the news on Twitter that ‘the blowjob deal had finally been agreed’.”

A Sky spokesman was unashamed of the channel’s tactics: “Sky Sports News is one of our flagship stations, and it is absolutely ghastly isn’t it?

“However, it’s a fantastic money spinner. We have learnt that if you persistently drip-feed thick people with “BREAKING NEWS” exclusives every 15 minutes, then they will happily accept spending 90% of their time watching goals from League Two and boring press conferences with Rotherham’s new assistant manager.

“They will certainly not change the channel, and frankly we don’t really care if the Oxford English Dictionary doesn’t deem Cesc Fabregas buying a pint of milk as ‘another chapter in the ongoing saga’.  We say it is, so it is. That’s the end of it.

“Although being a saga it obviously isn’t…”

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Sky Sports inspired by Battle Royale in ‘Suvival Sunday’ revamp

Posted by eddiev18 on May 19, 2011

Samba: Up for the battle

Sky Sports announced today that, from next season onwards, any Premier League club threatened by relegation on the last day of the season would have to compete in a televised battle to the death.

A Sky source revealed: “On the last day of the season we have always had the very difficult job of forcing a lot of people to take an interest in a collection of bleak football clubs from the north of England. Surprisingly, the term ‘Survival Sunday’ has always helped us achieve this.

“Unfortunately though, it looks like our viewers have worked out that, whatever we call it, they are still just sitting indoors on a pleasant afternoon in May watching Blackburn kick seven lumps of shit out of Wolves.”

In a bold revamp for the 2011/12 season, the satellite giant plans to copy the plot of Japanese film Battle Royale and send every team in contention for relegation out to an isolated island in the Pacific ocean. There, the threatened clubs would have to to hunt and kill their rivals in order to claim another season in the top flight.

Our source couldn’t hide his excitement: “We were looking at ways of developing the ‘survival’ element of ‘Survival Sunday’, and this idea ticked all the boxes.

“I have this wonderful vision of a bloodied Christopher Samba thrusting the severed head of David Bentley into the sky, and letting out a furious war cry to seal Blackburn’s escape from the drop.”

Those opposing the changes claim that the idea of a top-flight footballer working with others, instead of simply fending for himself, is absolutely preposterous. Claudine Le Woflehoozen, a psychiatrist, explains: “A recent study – by some students who are much cleverer than you – tells us that Premier League footballers have overtaken Katie Price as the most selfish entity in the universe.

“As soon as they get on that island, the weak will either commit suicide – for fear of being eaten by George Elokobi – or they’ll stay alive by performing some sort of service for the strong – most likely sexual.

“You’ll have a situation where Daniel De Ridder is basically only alive because Gary Caldwell has decided he looks a bit like a girl. That’s not something I want to see in ‘stunning HD’.”

When asked whether the Premier League would block such a move due to the blatant brutality of the whole thing, Sky responded: “Do you honestly believe that the Premier League has the final say on anything? You do know how much fucking money we pay them, right?

“No, no, we do what we want.”

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