Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘sports’

Great Football Speeches, digitally remastered by Darth Vader

Posted by eddiev18 on October 19, 2011

#1 Kevin Keegan would ‘love it’

The decision to run a series of great football speeches digitally remastered by Darth Vader was a pretty easy one. However, deciding which speech should be the Dark Lord of the Sith’s first assignment was even easier.

Everyone remembers this explosion by Kevin Keegan. He was so angry that he actually made less sense than the plot to Hollyoaks. I mean, what does ‘when you do things like that about a man like Stuart Pearce’ actually mean?

Take it away Darth…



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Roman Pavlyuchenko In ‘Where’s Wally’ Career Change

Posted by eddiev18 on October 11, 2011

Part of the podcast work I do for Fantasy League involves creating a ‘Where’s Wally’ style game with Roman Pavlyuchenko.

Don’t ask why, just click here to see if you can find him

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Premier League Predictions: 1st/2nd October

Posted by eddiev18 on September 30, 2011

Read my Friday predictions column on London 24 by clicking here.

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Yakubu dedicates goals to fatties everywhere

Posted by eddiev18 on September 17, 2011

Feed the Yak and he will score

Blackburn striker Yakubu responded to recent speculation that he’d been spending too much time at the Pizza Hut buffet in spectacular fashion today, when he scored twice in Blackburn’s 4-3 win over Arsenal.

After the game, the Nigerian wheezed: “Once I’d run off the massive stitch I got in the first five minutes I was bang up for it.

“To be honest, I really hope those goals serve to shut a few people up.

“I’m happy to admit that being offered all the fried chicken I could eat played rather a large part in my decision to come here, but I think I’ve shown today that you don’t have to be a size zero to play this game.”

Blackburn manager Steve Kean reckons his striker is a fantastic role model to youngsters who could do with losing a few pounds: “Little ruddy-cheeked podgsters all over the country will have seen Yak’s performance today and gone, ‘if a lard-arse like him can cut it in the Premier League then why can’t I play for my school’s under 9s?’.

“He’s an inspiration.”

The Nigerian’s self confidence left Weight Watchers prisoner Joe Meldley feeling empowered: “Damn it, the Yak is right! I don’t need to sit on my sofa sobbing into this pot of cottage cheese. I’m big, you hear me?

“There you go, I said it! I’m big, and I’m proud. Screw this Ryvita, I’m ordering a Dominoes.”

Annoyingly it was Gok Wan who had the final word on this story, when he said this: “What has the Yak shown us today? That’s right girlfriends, you don’t have to be thin to bang it in.

“It’s all about the confidence ladies, and this perfectly formed piece of rump is massively workin’ it.”

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Premier League Weekend Reaction: Spurs fans relieved, Vorm dedicates gaffe to Gomes and Torres makes time travel progress

Posted by eddiev18 on September 12, 2011

Parker: T'riffic pro

Tottenham fans had reason to celebrate this weekend, after learning that Harry Redknapp might not have signed Scott Parker just because he understands what a throw-in is and never forgets to feed his dog.

After two and a half years of stockpiling ‘t’riffic pros’ and ‘great lads’ who couldn’t hit a barn door but were always happy to collect up the cones at the end of training, there were signs that Redknapp might have started another round of character recruitment with his deal for the ex-Hammer on deadline day.

John Grimshaw, from Chigwell, explains: “Harry re-signed Robbie Keane’s shadow for being ‘great in the dressing room’, so when you see him sitting next to Parker saying things like ‘good family man’ and ‘great around the place’, you do fear the worst.”

Parker’s excellent debut on Saturday dispelled such fears though : “We were pleasantly surprised – and obviously a massively relieved – to see that this one can also do stuff like run and pass the ball to a team mate.”

Elsewhere, Swansea goalkeeper Michel Vorm has dedicated his gaffe at the Emirates to sidelined Spurs stopper Herelho Gomes.

Dutchman Vorm, who appeared to be eliminating team mate Angel Rangel in an imaginary game of Dodgeball, has since claimed that hilarious moments of complete and utter fist-in-mouth calamity are part and parcel of the entertainment of football, and if Gomes isn’t around to produce them then someone else needs to step up.

“Look, people pay good money to be entertained, so if the game is likely to be a drab 0-0 bore then something needs to be done.

“Whether it’s spooning a straightforward shot over the line, hareing wildly after a loose ball and giving a penalty away, or just pelting it at your own right back when he’s not looking, a goalkeeper has so much power to entertain the fans.

“No goalkeeper understands this better than Gomes, so it’s sad to see that he’s not playing. That one was for him.”

Finally, it was confirmed yesterday that Fernando Torres only moved to Chelsea in January because he wanted more spare time to focus on his attempt to build a time machine.

The £50 million striker’s lack of recent game time has seen the Spaniard make good progress in his bid to travel back to the summer of 2008 when everything was lovely and he didn’t look like he wanted to cry all the time.

A club source told us: “The fact that Sturridge and Anelka started ahead of him on Saturday didn’t concern Fernando at all. In fact, he was in great spirits.

“Basically, he’d managed to track down a man who was willing to sell him his 1981 DeLorean DMC-12. This is exciting because – given the work Fernando has done since January on his version of the Flux Capacitor – he reckons he’ll be back in 2008 by Christmas.”

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Aston Villa publically submit transfer request on behalf of Emile Heskey

Posted by eddiev18 on July 22, 2011

Heskey: Yeah, he's still playing Premier League football...

Aston Villa today publicly submitted a transfer request on behalf of Emile Heskey, claiming that their ambition exceeds the talent at the disposal of the former England striker.

In an interview with Croatian newspaper Sportske Novosti the midlands club are reported to have said: “Frankly we feel disappointed that Emile hasn’t buggered off yet.

“Last summer we made a gentleman’s agreement that if a club matching his natural talent came in for him, then he wouldn’t stop us from trying to get him off our books. Naturally we are therefore extremely disappointed to hear that he has chosen to reject today’s offer from Rochdale.”

Villa fan John Yeates is a bit pissed off about it all: “In “In dendrological terms, Emile Heskey is an old Oak – large and looming, a wooden presence that apparently takes a fucking age to move when you’ve had enough of it.

“Analogies aside though, a football club really cannot win these days. If a Premier League player manages to take a break from shagging Page 3 birds long enough to actually play an acceptable few games of football, all the club seems to get in return is a few grumblings from the player about ambition, and a public flirtation with the first Russian bloke to throw him an extra wheelbarrow of gold.

“On the flip side, if the player turns to shit and becomes the bench warming equivalent of Bill Cosby’s zombie, the fucker still hangs around collecting his wages like some sort of expensive eggy fart. You have to question where that supposed ambition went to, don’t you?”

Heskey defended his stance on Twitter: “Look, as I have said many times in the past, I am trying to build for the future and staying on a wage that in no way matches my footballing ability is essential to that.

“I will not be sold this summer.”

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Sky Sports News: Look, it’s a saga because we tell you it is, ok?

Posted by eddiev18 on July 19, 2011

The Grant Nostril Saga: Will he or won't he?

Sky Sports News today announced that the word ‘saga’ means whatever the hell they want it to mean, and if football fans didn’t like it they could simply switch to another channel.

The 24-hour sports channel – once described as ‘like having the Sun shouted at you by two robots dressed as bankers’ – was responding to criticism that their continued exaggeration of mundane sports stories via the irresponsible mis-use of supporting vocabulary,  has been ruining the lives of stupid people who now think that absolutely everything is an outrageously exciting ‘saga’.

Proving the point, George Franks – who has been watching Sky Sports News avidly since the season ended on the 22nd May – was asked what had actually happened in the 58 days he has spent glued to his sofa.

“Oh, it’s all been kicking off hasn’t it?! There was the time that a man with moustache spent a day outside White Hart Lane to catch a glimpse of Luka Modric walking through a door. What a moment in the saga that was, eh?!

“What else? Oh yeah, there was the time that the bloke with the big chin brought up a picture of Wesley Sneijder on his flashy touch screen and revealed that the saga involving him joining United could be nearing a conclusion. Sky sources revealed.

“It turns out they made the whole thing up, but it kept me up all night eating Pop-Tarts waiting for the ‘Breaking News’ that was always promised every half hour after the ad breaks.

“It’s true though, I do find it hard not to turn everything into a saga these days. I can’t make breakfast without an internal commentary breaking the news that my slice of Warburton’s Seeded Batch ‘has made a dramatic move to join Toast FC on a short term contract’.

“My girlfirend has left me of course. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have broken the news on Twitter that ‘the blowjob deal had finally been agreed’.”

A Sky spokesman was unashamed of the channel’s tactics: “Sky Sports News is one of our flagship stations, and it is absolutely ghastly isn’t it?

“However, it’s a fantastic money spinner. We have learnt that if you persistently drip-feed thick people with “BREAKING NEWS” exclusives every 15 minutes, then they will happily accept spending 90% of their time watching goals from League Two and boring press conferences with Rotherham’s new assistant manager.

“They will certainly not change the channel, and frankly we don’t really care if the Oxford English Dictionary doesn’t deem Cesc Fabregas buying a pint of milk as ‘another chapter in the ongoing saga’.  We say it is, so it is. That’s the end of it.

“Although being a saga it obviously isn’t…”

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EXCLUSIVE: Redundancies not necessary in NOTW football department

Posted by eddiev18 on July 10, 2011

Blind monkeys 'could do the job if needed'

The levels of unemployment caused by the closure of News Of The World will not be as high as first anticipated, after it emerged that all of the paper’s football news is written by a computer called ‘TIM’.

The ‘Tabloid Imitation Machine’ serves almost all of Britain’s tabloid newspapers, using a unique algorithm to churn out an inhuman quantity of tiresome daily transfer gossip during football’s two annual transfer windows.

TIM’s inventor, a 10 year old child from Rotherham, explains its simplicity: “Look, it’s so fucking formulaic. Even a blind monkey with a broken crayon could do it.

“You just do two things – generate a list of players who you have decided are available for transfer, and then simply find out which clubs have a new billionaire owner.

“Once you’ve done that, it’s easy. Pick a club, pick a player, buff it out with a load of meaningless words and you’re done.

“You can see why you don’t actually need a journalist for the job. My computer pumps out four stories a minute, and can work for ten hours solid without once attempting to tap Colleen Rooney’s phone or knock off at 3pm to go to the pub.

“Plus – with its list of classic non-commital tabloid words and phrases such as ‘our sources suggest’, ‘it is understood’, ‘could’, ‘may’ and ‘rumoured to be’ – every story that TIM produces will have the quintessential tabloid stench of fabricated horse manure.”

Still waiting for some decent players to arrive, Blackburn Rovers fan George O’Keef isn’t a fan of TIM’s journalism: “This year my club was taken over by some Indians who claimed to have made loads of money from selling chicken wings or something.

“Based on such claims, you can see why the tabloid machine started churning out stories linking us with the world’s top players.

“However, I can’t help but think that – before lazily linking us to every player under the sun – a real journalist would have first checked to see if the owners were telling the truth. I mean, how much money can you really make out of selling a chicken?

TIM’s inventor scoffs at such claims: “I’m sorry, but the term ‘real journalist’ has never – and will never – be applicable to the tabloid press.”

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Eurosport designs drinking game to help viewers enjoy Fifa Women’s World Cup

Posted by eddiev18 on June 28, 2011

Drink!

Eurosport today announced that there were so many reasons to enjoy their coverage of this summer’s Fifa Women’s World Cup – all of them made even more hilarious when accompanied by a few lagers.

A promotional email sent out yesterday by the media giant read: “Summer transfer window getting you down? Fancy a break from all the speculation linking Real Madrid with a move for Tony Hibbert? Then tune in to Eurosport and watch some of this shit over a few ales – it really is comedy gold!”

In an interesting marketing tactic, the broadcaster has largely targeted students with its coverage of the tournament, and has even gone as far as designing a detailed drinking game that viewers can play as they watch the action.

“The game combines almost limitless opportunities to drink with the age-old male pastime of teasing women for being rubbish at things like throwing, catching and kicking” sniggered a Eurosport spokesman.

“For example, if a goalkeeper makes an calamitous error – which tends to happen every five minutes in women’s football – you drink two fingers. Similarly, if an attacker takes a shot on goal so feeble that it doesn’t even make it into the 6 yard box, then that’s three fingers.

“Then there are the rarer – but equally feasible – ones, like a team refusing to come out of the dressing room because they’re all wearing the same outfit. With that one you have to down your pint, which always sets the tone for a great 90 minutes of drinking.”

Steve Jobson – a student at Southampton Solent University – watched England’s amusing 1-1 draw with Mexico: “We followed Eurosport’s general rules but also added a few of our own, like ‘drink when the spectators start a tedious Mexican wave in their boredom’ and ‘drink when you see a player you might actually sleep with’. Although that last one never actually came up.”

The Chair of women’s football in the UK, Fanny Redhill, was quick to respond: “This only serves to highlight the immaturity of men. If they could stop smirking for just 10 seconds, they’d realise that women’s football is the only realistic chance they’ve got of seeing England lift the World Cup in their lifetime.”

Drunk student Darryl Long admits that he tired to stop smirking for 10 seconds, but failed: “I tried – I really did – but then I imagined a losing captain consoling her squad by inviting them all round for Häagen-Dazs and a Matthew McConaughey DVD marathon.

“I’m sorry, but it’s just too fucking funny!”

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Rooney apologises to Britain for impending summer of hair-related tedium

Posted by eddiev18 on June 6, 2011

A moron, reading a magazine for morons

Wayne Rooney has today publically apologised for having a hair transplant, admitting that he never considered how it could affect the lives of normal people like you and me.

The England striker said in a statement: “You can’t polish a turd, but you can certainly make it a bit prettier by tying a bow around it and sprinkling on a bit of glitter. That’s all I was after with the hair transplant.

“I am saddened to discover that the people of the United Kingdom will now be subjected to weeks and weeks of insipid hair-related coverage that they are completely unable to avoid. I can only apologise for this.”

Heat magazine – taking the lead in said coverage, and ignoring the fact that most hair transplants resemble a dead chinchilla on the back of an alpaca – have confirmed that next week’s ‘Rooney Has Hair!’ special will predictably include a full page spread of the Manchester United striker sporting various celebrity hairstyles.

Heat reader Sharon Slapface, from Essex, can’t wait: “OMG! FYI, I just cannot wait to log on to Heat World (NBF!) and, you know, like, goss about his new style! I think he should go for the Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt is such a love rat, but he’s so hot! Whoop!”

Former tabloid journalist Joe Corrigan believes that today’s coverage is merely the tip of an entire iceberg of utter pointlessness.

“In the next couple of weeks we will be fed a diet of unflattering front-page photographs of Wayne and Coleen on holiday, alongside desperate attempts to engage you in online discussions with the sort of morons who enjoy The Only Way Is Essex.

“Oh, and The One Show will be interviewing a dog that has the same shaped head as Rooney, or something.

“Anyway, after a few weeks the media will decide that his hair transplant actually looks a bit shit, and will tell you to add it to all the other reasons you have for hating him – notably,  ‘he shags prostitutes and he cheats on his wife’. All of which are obviously entirely your business.”

Corrigan warns: “It’s all going to be horribly tedious, and I fully expect the nation’s average IQ to have dropped drastically by the end of the summer.”

Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that the government is monitoring the situation, but stressed that those most vulnerable to being affected by the inanity of the impending coverage should also be intelligent enough to avoid most of it.

“Yes, there exists a concern that intelligent people could be left severely brain damaged by excessive exposure to something so asinine. Thankfully though, only the mentally retarded buy things like The Mirror and Now! magazine – and obviously they’re already fucked.

“Everyone else should be alright. Just be careful what you pick up in the waiting room when you visit the dentist.”

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