Posts Tagged ‘sports’
Posted by eddiev18 on October 19, 2011
#1 Kevin Keegan would ‘love it’
The decision to run a series of great football speeches digitally remastered by Darth Vader was a pretty easy one. However, deciding which speech should be the Dark Lord of the Sith’s first assignment was even easier.
Everyone remembers this explosion by Kevin Keegan. He was so angry that he actually made less sense than the plot to Hollyoaks. I mean, what does ‘when you do things like that about a man like Stuart Pearce’ actually mean?
Take it away Darth…
Posted in by Darth Vader | Tagged: English football, Football, football management, football managers, football rant, great football speeches, greatest football speeches of all time, Kevin Keegan, Kevin Keegan 'Love it!', love it, Manchester United, Newcastle United, Premier League, Sir Alex Ferguson, Soccer, sports, World Football | 4 Comments »
Posted by eddiev18 on October 11, 2011
Part of the podcast work I do for Fantasy League involves creating a ‘Where’s Wally’ style game with Roman Pavlyuchenko.
Don’t ask why, just click here to see if you can find him…
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: Barclays Premier League, Carlos Tevez, English football, fantasy league, Football, Podcast, Premier League, Roman Pavlyuchenko, Soccer, sports | Leave a Comment »
Posted by eddiev18 on September 17, 2011
Feed the Yak and he will score
Blackburn striker Yakubu responded to recent speculation that he’d been spending too much time at the Pizza Hut buffet in spectacular fashion today, when he scored twice in Blackburn’s 4-3 win over Arsenal.
After the game, the Nigerian wheezed: “Once I’d run off the massive stitch I got in the first five minutes I was bang up for it.
“To be honest, I really hope those goals serve to shut a few people up.
“I’m happy to admit that being offered all the fried chicken I could eat played rather a large part in my decision to come here, but I think I’ve shown today that you don’t have to be a size zero to play this game.”
Blackburn manager Steve Kean reckons his striker is a fantastic role model to youngsters who could do with losing a few pounds: “Little ruddy-cheeked podgsters all over the country will have seen Yak’s performance today and gone, ‘if a lard-arse like him can cut it in the Premier League then why can’t I play for my school’s under 9s?’.
“He’s an inspiration.”
The Nigerian’s self confidence left Weight Watchers prisoner Joe Meldley feeling empowered: “Damn it, the Yak is right! I don’t need to sit on my sofa sobbing into this pot of cottage cheese. I’m big, you hear me?
“There you go, I said it! I’m big, and I’m proud. Screw this Ryvita, I’m ordering a Dominoes.”
Annoyingly it was Gok Wan who had the final word on this story, when he said this: “What has the Yak shown us today? That’s right girlfriends, you don’t have to be thin to bang it in.
“It’s all about the confidence ladies, and this perfectly formed piece of rump is massively workin’ it.”
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Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: Arsenal, Blackburn Rovers, English football, fat, Football, Gok Wan, Premier League, sports, Steve Kean, Venky's, Venky's chicken, Weight Watchers, World Football, Yakubu | Leave a Comment »
Posted by eddiev18 on September 12, 2011
Parker: T'riffic pro
Tottenham fans had reason to celebrate this weekend, after learning that Harry Redknapp might not have signed Scott Parker just because he understands what a throw-in is and never forgets to feed his dog.
After two and a half years of stockpiling ‘t’riffic pros’ and ‘great lads’ who couldn’t hit a barn door but were always happy to collect up the cones at the end of training, there were signs that Redknapp might have started another round of character recruitment with his deal for the ex-Hammer on deadline day.
John Grimshaw, from Chigwell, explains: “Harry re-signed Robbie Keane’s shadow for being ‘great in the dressing room’, so when you see him sitting next to Parker saying things like ‘good family man’ and ‘great around the place’, you do fear the worst.”
Parker’s excellent debut on Saturday dispelled such fears though : “We were pleasantly surprised – and obviously a massively relieved – to see that this one can also do stuff like run and pass the ball to a team mate.”
Elsewhere, Swansea goalkeeper Michel Vorm has dedicated his gaffe at the Emirates to sidelined Spurs stopper Herelho Gomes.
Dutchman Vorm, who appeared to be eliminating team mate Angel Rangel in an imaginary game of Dodgeball, has since claimed that hilarious moments of complete and utter fist-in-mouth calamity are part and parcel of the entertainment of football, and if Gomes isn’t around to produce them then someone else needs to step up.
“Look, people pay good money to be entertained, so if the game is likely to be a drab 0-0 bore then something needs to be done.
“Whether it’s spooning a straightforward shot over the line, hareing wildly after a loose ball and giving a penalty away, or just pelting it at your own right back when he’s not looking, a goalkeeper has so much power to entertain the fans.
“No goalkeeper understands this better than Gomes, so it’s sad to see that he’s not playing. That one was for him.”
Finally, it was confirmed yesterday that Fernando Torres only moved to Chelsea in January because he wanted more spare time to focus on his attempt to build a time machine.
The £50 million striker’s lack of recent game time has seen the Spaniard make good progress in his bid to travel back to the summer of 2008 when everything was lovely and he didn’t look like he wanted to cry all the time.
A club source told us: “The fact that Sturridge and Anelka started ahead of him on Saturday didn’t concern Fernando at all. In fact, he was in great spirits.
“Basically, he’d managed to track down a man who was willing to sell him his 1981 DeLorean DMC-12. This is exciting because – given the work Fernando has done since January on his version of the Flux Capacitor – he reckons he’ll be back in 2008 by Christmas.”
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: Arsenal, Chelsea, Daniel Sturridge, English football, Fernando Torres, Football, Harry Redknapp, Herelho Gomes, Michel Vorm, Nicolas Anelka, Premier League, Robbie Keane, Scott Parker, sports, Spurs, Swansea City, Tottenham Hotspur, Weekend Review, West Ham United | Leave a Comment »
Posted by eddiev18 on July 22, 2011
Heskey: Yeah, he's still playing Premier League football...
Aston Villa today publicly submitted a transfer request on behalf of Emile Heskey, claiming that their ambition exceeds the talent at the disposal of the former England striker.
In an interview with Croatian newspaper Sportske Novosti the midlands club are reported to have said: “Frankly we feel disappointed that Emile hasn’t buggered off yet.
“Last summer we made a gentleman’s agreement that if a club matching his natural talent came in for him, then he wouldn’t stop us from trying to get him off our books. Naturally we are therefore extremely disappointed to hear that he has chosen to reject today’s offer from Rochdale.”
Villa fan John Yeates is a bit pissed off about it all: “In “In dendrological terms, Emile Heskey is an old Oak – large and looming, a wooden presence that apparently takes a fucking age to move when you’ve had enough of it.
“Analogies aside though, a football club really cannot win these days. If a Premier League player manages to take a break from shagging Page 3 birds long enough to actually play an acceptable few games of football, all the club seems to get in return is a few grumblings from the player about ambition, and a public flirtation with the first Russian bloke to throw him an extra wheelbarrow of gold.
“On the flip side, if the player turns to shit and becomes the bench warming equivalent of Bill Cosby’s zombie, the fucker still hangs around collecting his wages like some sort of expensive eggy fart. You have to question where that supposed ambition went to, don’t you?”
Heskey defended his stance on Twitter: “Look, as I have said many times in the past, I am trying to build for the future and staying on a wage that in no way matches my footballing ability is essential to that.
“I will not be sold this summer.”
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: Aston Villa, Emile Heskey, England, English football, Football, Premier League, sports, summer transfer window, transfer rumours, transfer window, World Football | Leave a Comment »
Posted by eddiev18 on July 19, 2011
The Grant Nostril Saga: Will he or won't he?
Sky Sports News today announced that the word ‘saga’ means whatever the hell they want it to mean, and if football fans didn’t like it they could simply switch to another channel.
The 24-hour sports channel – once described as ‘like having the Sun shouted at you by two robots dressed as bankers’ – was responding to criticism that their continued exaggeration of mundane sports stories via the irresponsible mis-use of supporting vocabulary, has been ruining the lives of stupid people who now think that absolutely everything is an outrageously exciting ‘saga’.
Proving the point, George Franks – who has been watching Sky Sports News avidly since the season ended on the 22nd May – was asked what had actually happened in the 58 days he has spent glued to his sofa.
“Oh, it’s all been kicking off hasn’t it?! There was the time that a man with moustache spent a day outside White Hart Lane to catch a glimpse of Luka Modric walking through a door. What a moment in the saga that was, eh?!
“What else? Oh yeah, there was the time that the bloke with the big chin brought up a picture of Wesley Sneijder on his flashy touch screen and revealed that the saga involving him joining United could be nearing a conclusion. Sky sources revealed.
“It turns out they made the whole thing up, but it kept me up all night eating Pop-Tarts waiting for the ‘Breaking News’ that was always promised every half hour after the ad breaks.
“It’s true though, I do find it hard not to turn everything into a saga these days. I can’t make breakfast without an internal commentary breaking the news that my slice of Warburton’s Seeded Batch ‘has made a dramatic move to join Toast FC on a short term contract’.
“My girlfirend has left me of course. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have broken the news on Twitter that ‘the blowjob deal had finally been agreed’.”
A Sky spokesman was unashamed of the channel’s tactics: “Sky Sports News is one of our flagship stations, and it is absolutely ghastly isn’t it?
“However, it’s a fantastic money spinner. We have learnt that if you persistently drip-feed thick people with “BREAKING NEWS” exclusives every 15 minutes, then they will happily accept spending 90% of their time watching goals from League Two and boring press conferences with Rotherham’s new assistant manager.
“They will certainly not change the channel, and frankly we don’t really care if the Oxford English Dictionary doesn’t deem Cesc Fabregas buying a pint of milk as ‘another chapter in the ongoing saga’. We say it is, so it is. That’s the end of it.
“Although being a saga it obviously isn’t…”
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Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: Arsenal, Avram Grant, Barcelona, Cesc Fabregas, Chelsea, England, English football, Football, Luka Modric, Sky Sports, Sky Sports News, sports, summer transfer window, Tottenham Hotspur, Transfer Market, transfer rumours, transfer window, White Hart Lane, World Football | Leave a Comment »
Posted by eddiev18 on July 10, 2011
Blind monkeys 'could do the job if needed'
The levels of unemployment caused by the closure of News Of The World will not be as high as first anticipated, after it emerged that all of the paper’s football news is written by a computer called ‘TIM’.
The ‘Tabloid Imitation Machine’ serves almost all of Britain’s tabloid newspapers, using a unique algorithm to churn out an inhuman quantity of tiresome daily transfer gossip during football’s two annual transfer windows.
TIM’s inventor, a 10 year old child from Rotherham, explains its simplicity: “Look, it’s so fucking formulaic. Even a blind monkey with a broken crayon could do it.
“You just do two things – generate a list of players who you have decided are available for transfer, and then simply find out which clubs have a new billionaire owner.
“Once you’ve done that, it’s easy. Pick a club, pick a player, buff it out with a load of meaningless words and you’re done.
“You can see why you don’t actually need a journalist for the job. My computer pumps out four stories a minute, and can work for ten hours solid without once attempting to tap Colleen Rooney’s phone or knock off at 3pm to go to the pub.
“Plus – with its list of classic non-commital tabloid words and phrases such as ‘our sources suggest’, ‘it is understood’, ‘could’, ‘may’ and ‘rumoured to be’ – every story that TIM produces will have the quintessential tabloid stench of fabricated horse manure.”
Still waiting for some decent players to arrive, Blackburn Rovers fan George O’Keef isn’t a fan of TIM’s journalism: “This year my club was taken over by some Indians who claimed to have made loads of money from selling chicken wings or something.
“Based on such claims, you can see why the tabloid machine started churning out stories linking us with the world’s top players.
“However, I can’t help but think that – before lazily linking us to every player under the sun – a real journalist would have first checked to see if the owners were telling the truth. I mean, how much money can you really make out of selling a chicken?
TIM’s inventor scoffs at such claims: “I’m sorry, but the term ‘real journalist’ has never – and will never – be applicable to the tabloid press.”
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Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: Blackburn Rovers, English football, Football, News Of The World, NOTW, sports, tabloid press, Venky's, Venky's chicken | Leave a Comment »
Posted by eddiev18 on June 6, 2011
Wayne Rooney has today publically apologised for having a hair transplant, admitting that he never considered how it could affect the lives of normal people like you and me.
A moron, reading a magazine for morons
The England striker said in a statement: “You can’t polish a turd, but you can certainly make it a bit prettier by tying a bow around it and sprinkling on a bit of glitter. That’s all I was after with the hair transplant.
“I am saddened to discover that the people of the United Kingdom will now be subjected to weeks and weeks of insipid hair-related coverage that they are completely unable to avoid. I can only apologise for this.”
Heat magazine – taking the lead in said coverage, and ignoring the fact that most hair transplants resemble a dead chinchilla on the back of an alpaca – have confirmed that next week’s ‘Rooney Has Hair!’ special will predictably include a full page spread of the Manchester United striker sporting various celebrity hairstyles.
Heat reader Sharon Slapface, from Essex, can’t wait: “OMG! FYI, I just cannot wait to log on to Heat World (NBF!) and, you know, like, goss about his new style! I think he should go for the Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt is such a love rat, but he’s so hot! Whoop!”
Former tabloid journalist Joe Corrigan believes that today’s coverage is merely the tip of an entire iceberg of utter pointlessness.
“In the next couple of weeks we will be fed a diet of unflattering front-page photographs of Wayne and Coleen on holiday, alongside desperate attempts to engage you in online discussions with the sort of morons who enjoy The Only Way Is Essex.
“Oh, and The One Show will be interviewing a dog that has the same shaped head as Rooney, or something.
“Anyway, after a few weeks the media will decide that his hair transplant actually looks a bit shit, and will tell you to add it to all the other reasons you have for hating him – notably, ‘he shags prostitutes and he cheats on his wife’. All of which are obviously entirely your business.”
Corrigan warns: “It’s all going to be horribly tedious, and I fully expect the nation’s average IQ to have dropped drastically by the end of the summer.”
Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that the government is monitoring the situation, but stressed that those most vulnerable to being affected by the inanity of the impending coverage should also be intelligent enough to avoid most of it.
“Yes, there exists a concern that intelligent people could be left severely brain damaged by excessive exposure to something so asinine. Thankfully though, only the mentally retarded buy things like The Mirror and Now! magazine – and obviously they’re already fucked.
“Everyone else should be alright. Just be careful what you pick up in the waiting room when you visit the dentist.”
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: David Cameron, England, English football, Football, Hair, hair transplant, Heat Magazine, Love cheat, Manchester United, sports, The Mirror, The Sun, United Kingdom, Wayne Rooney | Leave a Comment »
Posted by eddiev18 on May 31, 2011
Messi: Controlled by Japanese teenager
Football fans all over the United Kingdom today woke up to the news that Saturday night’s Champions League Final was actually just a live game of Fifa 11 between a Japanese teenager and a 69 year old alcoholic pensioner.
Milllions of viewers tuned in to watch what they thought was a masterclass from Pep Guardiola’s men, only to realise later that they had actually just witnessed 14 year old Yoshio Takanawa wiping the floor of Maureen Turner from Aberdeen on Xbox Live.
United fan Kevin Wilmott was one of the few viewers who spotted the mix-up: “We all know how good Barcelona are, but that was just too fucking easy. In the second half I remember saying to my mate that it was like watching some Japanese whizz-kid play my granny at FIFA. It turns out I was pretty much bang on.
“What gave it away though, was a manouvre from Messi on 65 minutes that can only be achieved via the combo ‘b + ^ + L + select’. Human beings simply cannot phisically do that, and then follow it by beating four defenders – it was clearly a game of FIFA.”
Mrs Turner wasn’t too bothered by the defeat, and admits that she’s not much of a gamer: “My grandson Charlie was playing on his computer thingy, and I asked him if I could have a go. I chose Manchester United because David Beckham plays for them, doesn’t he? He’s a charming fellow.
“Anyway, I didn’t do very well. You see, I’d already had a few whiskeys and kept pressing pass when I meant to press shoot. Actually, now I remember it, we only scored our goal when I went for a refill and gave the controller back to Charlie.”
An ITV spokesman admitted that someone must have plugged in the wrong live output feed but – whilst they were sorry – the actual final (which Barcelona scraped 1-0) was nowhere near as exciting.
“Look, whether it’s the patronising tones of Jim Beglin, the employment of Andy Townsend, or simply the way we cut to an advert just before your team scores an important goal, ITV is renown for screwing up your enjoyment of important football matches.
“You’re just going to have to get used to it, ok?
“Plus, our mistake on Saturday resulted in millions of people witnessing the sort performance that a team of humans could only dream of relpicating. Yoshio was magnificent.
“Ok, I accept that dismantling a team controlled by a 69 year old Scottish drunk was never going to be much of a challenge, but you simply have to applaud the skill with which it was done.”
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: Andy Townsend, Barca. Lionel Messi, Barcelona, Champions League, Champions League Final, English football, European Football, Fifa 11, Football, ITV, Japan, Jim Beglin, Man Utd, Manchester United, Pep Guardiola, Playstation 3, Premier League, Pro Evolution Soccer, sports, World Football, Xbox Live | Leave a Comment »