Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Spurs’

Premier League Weekend Reaction: Spurs fans relieved, Vorm dedicates gaffe to Gomes and Torres makes time travel progress

Posted by eddiev18 on September 12, 2011

Parker: T'riffic pro

Tottenham fans had reason to celebrate this weekend, after learning that Harry Redknapp might not have signed Scott Parker just because he understands what a throw-in is and never forgets to feed his dog.

After two and a half years of stockpiling ‘t’riffic pros’ and ‘great lads’ who couldn’t hit a barn door but were always happy to collect up the cones at the end of training, there were signs that Redknapp might have started another round of character recruitment with his deal for the ex-Hammer on deadline day.

John Grimshaw, from Chigwell, explains: “Harry re-signed Robbie Keane’s shadow for being ‘great in the dressing room’, so when you see him sitting next to Parker saying things like ‘good family man’ and ‘great around the place’, you do fear the worst.”

Parker’s excellent debut on Saturday dispelled such fears though : “We were pleasantly surprised – and obviously a massively relieved – to see that this one can also do stuff like run and pass the ball to a team mate.”

Elsewhere, Swansea goalkeeper Michel Vorm has dedicated his gaffe at the Emirates to sidelined Spurs stopper Herelho Gomes.

Dutchman Vorm, who appeared to be eliminating team mate Angel Rangel in an imaginary game of Dodgeball, has since claimed that hilarious moments of complete and utter fist-in-mouth calamity are part and parcel of the entertainment of football, and if Gomes isn’t around to produce them then someone else needs to step up.

“Look, people pay good money to be entertained, so if the game is likely to be a drab 0-0 bore then something needs to be done.

“Whether it’s spooning a straightforward shot over the line, hareing wildly after a loose ball and giving a penalty away, or just pelting it at your own right back when he’s not looking, a goalkeeper has so much power to entertain the fans.

“No goalkeeper understands this better than Gomes, so it’s sad to see that he’s not playing. That one was for him.”

Finally, it was confirmed yesterday that Fernando Torres only moved to Chelsea in January because he wanted more spare time to focus on his attempt to build a time machine.

The £50 million striker’s lack of recent game time has seen the Spaniard make good progress in his bid to travel back to the summer of 2008 when everything was lovely and he didn’t look like he wanted to cry all the time.

A club source told us: “The fact that Sturridge and Anelka started ahead of him on Saturday didn’t concern Fernando at all. In fact, he was in great spirits.

“Basically, he’d managed to track down a man who was willing to sell him his 1981 DeLorean DMC-12. This is exciting because – given the work Fernando has done since January on his version of the Flux Capacitor – he reckons he’ll be back in 2008 by Christmas.”

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Premier League Predictions – 21st November

Posted by eddiev18 on November 21, 2009

Meg: Predicts a good lie-in for us all on Sunday

Ding ding, round two! So with four out of six outcomes correctly predicted so far, let’s see how I get on with Sunday’s fixtures:

Blackburn vs Bolton

This week, Sky’s two course ‘Super-Sunday’ is more of a quick bite down the greasy spoon than dinner at the Savoy, and if I’m to continue the analogy, I guess this fixture is the starter. A rubbish prawn cocktail if you like.

It’s likely to be a proper mud-slinger of a match, with more aerial balls than a game of American football. I also expect the commentator to frequently remind us that [insert attacking team’s name here] are ‘a threat from set pieces’, because that’s generally all they can get excited about when two teams with no interest in playing any football come up against each other.

Sleeping is almost certainly going to be more interesting than this one, so why not treat yourself to a lie-in? Just think, you may even have a dream about Megan Fox*… and do you really want to miss out on that for the sake of Blackburn vs Bolton?!

Verdict: 0-0

Stoke City vs Portsmouth

If this game is the main course, then think of it as the disappointing roast dinner you at at that pub you’ve never been back to. Cold, hard roast potatoes, slimy Yorkshire puddings, and fatty slices of cheap beef.

Mind you, unlike your starter, there will be one or two edible things on the plate to keep it from being a total disappointment. Expect Kevin Prince-Boateng and Jamie O’Hara to be the honey roasted parsnips and minted peas of this affair.

I don’t think that will be enough to save this ‘dish’ though. With a doubt surrounding medical experiment and Ivory Coast forward Aruna Dindane, Pompey will struggle to break down a resolute Stoke defence. As a result, The Potters will be in no rush to break away from their horribly unattractive and defensive style of play, and the game will suffer due to very little open football.

Verdict: 1-0

Tottenham vs Wigan

Re-scheduled to 3pm on Sunday due to Steve Bruce’s penchant for bringing South Americans to the Premier League a few years back, Sky will be kicking themselves that they aren’t serving this one up to their viewers. In stark contrast to the Boltons, Blackburns and Stokes of this world, both these teams play attractive, open football.

‘Appy ‘Arry Redknapp will be pleased to see his t’riffic winger Aaron Lennon returning to the Spurs side after a spell on the sidelines, as this should add an extra bit of zip to the right hand side. In Lennon’s absence, David Bentley demonstrated that he’s probably more interested in signing up bands for his bar on the Costa Del Sol than playing football. Oh well, England will just have to find itself another new ‘DB7’.

Wigan’s ability to deal with Lennon will be the deciding factor in this match. If they do, then they have the likes of Rodallega and N’Zogbia to exploit the space that Tottenham always leave for their opposition.

However, after a game on Wednesday and a long flight back from Honduras, Maynor Figueroa has his work cut out to contain Lennon. As so often is the case at White Hart Lane, Spurs will attempt to harness their home support and come flying out of the blocks, looking to put the game to bed before the opposition have a chance to impose themselves.

I can see this happening tomorrow.

Verdict: 4-1

* See what I did there?! After my Transformers-heavy MS Paint Story Of The Week the other day, I just thought I’d tell you what the most popular Robots-In-Disguise-based search term used to get to my site has been. And the winner is… ‘Megan Fox Naked’.

Who says the internet isn’t primarily for porn, eh?

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Microsoft Paint Stories Of The Week – Aruna Dindane’s Transformation

Posted by eddiev18 on November 8, 2009

dindane

Pimp my striker: Aruna Dindane

As I have mentioned before, the wonderful blogging software I use to tap out the sort of rambling nonsense that you are about to put yourself through also offers me the ability to see ‘behind the scenes’. Unlike the extras on your ‘Transformers’ DVD though, this unfortunately does not allow me to see Megan Fox in her smalls, rolling around on a beach in the South Pacific. However, what it does allow me to do is to monitor the search terms that people use to get to my wonderous site of footballing irreverency.

This being the case, if you have seen my article’s title in your search results, and arrived here today expecting to read a peice dedicated to a new member of Optimus Prime’s robot gang, then I’m afraid that Google has let down in your quest this time. If however, you just wanted a picture of Megan Fox draped over a motorcycle, then feast your eyes on these apples!

Anyway, let’s have a bit of fun, and ensure that I get a regular stream of Transformers fans arriving here in disappointment. You see, I am told that Google Search works by making a note of keywords in the title and body of any given article, bumping your entry up the results list if you’ve mentioned the searched terms more than other sites have mentioned them. Considering this, and the fact that (including the title) there have already been six Transformers-related references (now there are seven) in the first three paragraphs of this article, I wonder what will happen if I do this…

Transformers! Revenge Of The Fallen! Optimus Prime! Robots hitting each other! Shia La Beouf is constantly in a panicked state! Michael Bay makes rubbish movies! Transformers! Robots in disguise!

Let’s see how that pans out then…

Anyway, those are the finer points out of the way, let’s move on to the main course of this banquet of insight. As I mentioned in my Premier League Predictions, last week I booked a train ticket for Eddie’s Football Blog‘s chief reporter to go down to Portsmouth and investigate why Pompey striker Aruna Dindane has suddenly become a player able to score a Premier League hat-trick.

You see, after the player’s frankly comical display against Spurs a few weeks back, where he showcased an array of finishing that would shock even Chris Iwelumo, I smelt a rat. You don’t just transform (see, I used that word again!) over night. What had happened to the Ivorian? Why had he suddenly started to find the back of the net instead of the car park?

As ever, our reporter was without any form of camera, so has had to resort to the pixel-perfect imagery that can only be offered by Microsoft Paint, in order to depict what he saw in Portsmouth that day. Below we can see his findings and the truth, I’m sure you’ll agree, really is shocking…

MSPaintStoryOfThe Week_arunadindane

You might need a minute to take all of that in. I know I certainly did. Deep breaths…

As you can see, our reporter must have tailed Dindane to the secret lair of Pompey Director Of Football Avram Grant (aka Baron Silas Greenback), which (as we previously discovered) he has set up in the city’s Blue Reef Aquarium. Since that discovery, it appears that (alongside plans to develop the club’s academy) he has also developed a concept he once saw in an Austin Powers movie a few years ago – namely, sharks with freakin’ lazers attached. What this means for mankind, I can only speculate. However, given that it has nothing to do with the Ivorian’s form, we better leave that to MI5 (or MI6. If i’m honest, I never really know which one is which).

So, why is little Aruna visiting the den of his evil super-villain boss? The truth is that Greenback has also devloped what he calls a ‘Striker’s Serum’. Initially he developed the serum to help him ‘score’ with women, as it became apparent that evil toad looking villains cannot pull girls, even on a night out in Portsmouth. However, upon testing his potion, it came to light that not only can it help a man score with women, but it can also help with scoring in every other sense of the word. The serum can make an individual become an expert at keeping a tally during darts matches in the pub, composing music and, most importantly in this case, hitting the onion bag on the football pitch.

It all makes sense now. Greenback, in a desperate attempt to keep Pompey up, has started injecting the Ivorian with a scientific concoction that is guaranteed to get him scoring goals. Like Big Sam’s masterplan, The Baron’s scheme surely cannot fail.

The picture shows club doctor Nigel Sellars readying Dindane for his latest shot of the good stuff. Greenback (who is watching on, cackling in delight, and sporting a grey suit he borrowed from his friend Dr. Evil) had hoped not to get any of the staff involved in the experiment, but ended up having to draft Sellars in after it emerged that his evil crow henchman was unable to administer an injection due to having a pair of wings and no opposable thumbs. It would have been a total mess, with needles and feathers everywhere. Plus, he’d done a bit of sight-seeing earlier in the week, and got stuck at the Tower of London after he was told that the building would fall down if he dared leave.

As ever with the masterplans of Baron Silas Greenback though, there is a problem. The serum doesn’t appear to be quite right. Having scored a hat-trick after his first dose, Dindane failed to hit the target during Saturday’s loss to Blackburn. However, he did end up waking up on Sunday morning with three Swedish underwear models in his bed. Technically then, he ‘scored’ successfully, but it just wasn’t the right type of scoring.

As a result, it looks like poor old Avram will have to go back to the drawing board, otherwise he might find that Dindane turns up to Pompey’s next match having composed a beautiful piano concerto, but is still unable to hit a cow’s backside with a banjo.

(Transformers, Robots In Disguise!)

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Rumourville – Don’t Believe The Hype

Posted by eddiev18 on January 17, 2009

‘City Could Be Ready To Swoop For Ronaldo’ (Summer transfer window headline)

Ronaldo To City? No Chance.

Ronaldo To City? No Chance.

Oh really?! Could they? Well, I could be preparing a swoop for Angelina Jolie, couldn’t I?! The difference is that if I told my mates that I was eyeing a date with Little Miss Pouty Lips, they would laugh their heads off, and not take me seriously in the slightest. Why therefore, is a story about the best player in the world – who has just won the Premier League and Champions League with City’s deadliest rivals – taken seriously by so many people?

Putting to one side the money that City now have, United would never let Ronaldo go there, and yet there were a fair few people who believed it was going to happen. My question is this, how do we as fans, in the absence of any concrete evidence, become so convinced that certain deals are so nailed-on?

Well, to start with, there are a lot of idiots out there. However, I don’t want to do football supporters such great disservice, because the real reason we believe such rumours is obvious. The truth is that fans care so much about their clubs, have such faith in them, and such hope for the future that, when a positive or exciting rumour surfaces about their team, they are halfway to believing it already. No matter how unrealistic or how little evidence the story has to support it, fans only need it reinforced a few times to get them believing it. This makes us sitting ducks for the media, and they absolutely milk it.

The newspapers can be categorised pretty easily. Firstly, you have the ‘Shit Spouting Red-Tops’ (as I like to call them) – aka The Sun, The Mirror, The Star etc. – which, on a daily basis, serve up a bunch of sensationalist, speculative nonsense, designed solely to make conversations ‘down the pub’ sound more enlightened (at the same time as slowly killing your brain).

Then you have the Daily Mail, which is for fascist tossers – people who are so afraid of the ‘state of our country’ that they refuse to step outside, in the fear that the air might give them cancer, or cellulite, or bring back Princess Diana as an immigrant. God I hate the Daily Mail.

The Sun. Kills. Brains. Fact.

The Sun. Kills. Brains. Fact.

Then you have actual newspapers, where actual journalists take time and effort to write a well thought out article, offering a considered opinion on a subject of interest. This makes for something far more thought provoking than a story as inconclusive, and lacking in any supporting evidence, as the article which would have followed the headline at the top of this page (which presumably was written by a team of monkeys, simply throwing their own shit at a piece of paper).

Anyway, with the rise of the internet, and the subsequent increase in people discarding their newspapers to get their daily fill of news online, there is no longer a small monopoly of titles producing the stories for the masses. Now, alongside the newspapers, you have hundreds of other websites available at the click of a mouse, all putting out the same stuff.

The trouble is that most of them are even worse than the ‘Shit Spouting Red Tops’. They quite literally just make stuff up to get people to their website, even if they have absolutely no evidence whatsoever to support their stories. Even worse, they all appear to just copy each other’s bullshit, in some sort of ham-fisted attempt to make it all look credible (the logic assumedly being that if more than one website is running with it, then surely there must be some truth in it).

Anyway, the lack of a loyal readership (due to the shockingly poor quality of their content) and the reliance that these sites have on ‘page impressions’ for ‘ad revenue’ (blah, blah, drone), means that they have to use a gimmick to draw people back into their sites (one that the newspapers have been using effectively for years) – the ‘attention-grabbing headline’.

Here’s an example of this (which I just made up):


Headline – ‘Samba Star On Brink Of Spurs Move’

Rumours suggest that Milan forward, and Brazilian superstar, Ronaldinho could be on the brink of a move to Premier League club Tottenham Hotspur, for a fee believed to be in the region of £15 million.

Sources close to the Catalan club didn’t tell us anything. Well, why the fuck would they, we’re Fans FC – we’ve only gone and ripped this off another shitty website, who got their story off a cabbie who picked up former Milan player Luther Blisset from the airport the other day. Why do you care though? Ronaldinho’s off to Spurs! Go on, go dance in the street you gullible pillock.


Something like that. We’ve all seen it countless times; you just have to go to your club’s page on NewsNow on any day of either transfer window. It’s a veritable goldmine of garbage.

Anyway, despite my protestations to the contrary, I don’t think that the likes of Fans FC and The Sun are the worst offenders, when it comes to getting people to believe the bullshit. They are merely the initiators, they rarely force the issue and anyway, most people are able to read between the lines, and smell the horse-shit from a mile away! No, for me, the ones most to blame are the people who take the rumour, and attempt to cement it in other people’s minds as fact, by masquerading as some sort of transfer guru, or ‘man in the know’.

I don’t know why, but every office, pub, and internet forum seems to have one of these guys, whose mundane existence appears to inspire him to behave in this way. Constantly regurgitating transfer rumours (which he’s probably read that morning in the Daily Star, whilst tossing himself off in a public toilet) as fact, he delivers them with an air of mystery, which intends to give off the impression that the club chairman has just called him to announce the deal, days before notifying the press. We’ve all encountered someone who does this regularly. 99.9% of the time though, the truth is that they know fuck all.

Lee Dixon. Please Fuck Off.

Lee Dixon. Please Fuck Off.

The same goes for the worst offenders of all – football pundits. I fucking hate football pundits. They reckon that, just because they’ve played in the Premier League before, we all want to hear what their tiny little brains have to say about the game. Well, we don’t, so fuck off you shiny suited, matching shirt and tied, wanker.

Like the office transfer guru, you often hear someone like Lee Dixon taking a rumour and, due to his inability to think of anything intelligent to say in his tiny 30 second slot, he decides to say something like ‘Of course we all know that Tottenham are very interested in Ronaldinho… watch this space’.

Outrageous. They say it as if they’ve just got off the phone to his bloody agent, and what makes them worse than the office punk is that they have an audience of millions, yet they can’t stop themselves. As a result, thousands of people suddenly become converted to something that was, merely hours ago, just a rumour. Well, why would Lee Dixon make something up live on TV, in front of millions of people, I hear you say? Why? Because he’s a self righteous twat, who loves the sound of his voice so much, he became a fucking football pundit.

So, this January, or any transfer window for that matter, my advice to you is to enjoy it, but don’t get suckered in by rumourville. Consider that Man City were linked to 40-odd players before the window even opened! If you take it too seriously it can consume you (evidence of this is a Tottenham forum with close to 300 pages of posts on the rumour that Andrei Arshavin may still be coming to Spurs – Guys, just go outside and talk to a woman or something. Please. For the sake of humanity!).

Oh, and one final piece of advice – if you see a football pundit about to open his mouth on TV, just change the channel. Or throw something at his face. Just don’t listen to the shiny suited toss-pot.

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