Continuing the Microsoft Paint Stories Of The Week series (soon to be re-named ‘Baron-Watch’), this week we once again catch up with Baron Silas Greenback (aka Avram Grant), and it certainly appears that he’s been keeping himself busy of late.
Not only has the amphibious super-villain been officially appointed as Portsmouth manager (as predicted here on Eddie’s Football Blog), but there have also been one or two unexplained events in the past week, both of which I am fairly certain he had something to do with.
Now, as we all know from ‘Danger Mouse’ (the reality TV series in which Greenback featured heavily during the 1980s) The Baron has a history of going to great lengths to create the perfect ‘Kansas City Shuffle’ – a moment in which he makes us all look one way (via a distraction), whilst he sneakily steps in to take over the world. I have highlighted examples of this before…
Stealing all of the world’s sign-posts. Sending tins of exploding custard to every household on the planet. Turning elephants into sugar cubes. Stuff like that. Ideas that could only conceivably be contrived by an evil toad.
Naturally therefore, when I stumbled across an article this afternoon citing ‘mysterious toilet blockages’ on an entire fleet of Cathay Pacific aeroplanes, my suspicions were raised. Perhaps the plan this time is to drain all of the world’s oceans? Think about it… the entire population of earth, all wildly flushing their porcelain thrones at once. The water usage would go off the chart.
Well, it’s either that, or he’s plotting a world-wide shortage of drain unblocking products. Just think of a world without drain unblocking products. All hell would break loose. Indian restaurants would fight and squabble over the remaining supplies and, worse of all, we’d all have to start using bidets due to the constant fear of clogging our own crappers. Yes, that’s right, we’d basically all become French.
I can see the fear on your face now. He must be stopped.
Talking of the French, and insanely long introductions out of the way, this leads me nicely on to the second of the unexplained phenomena that has occurred more than once in the past week. Namely, the act of scoring a goal in professional football, having blatantly committed a handball prior to putting the ball in the onion bag.
Both Thierry Henry (the goal that broke Irish hearts. Well, unless you’re Roy Keane), and Paul Scharner (the ‘1’ in Wigan’s 9-1 walloping at Tottenham) have scored goals of this ilk in the past week. Both have got away with it. My question is how?
Suspecting Greenback, I headed to his lair at Portsmouth’s Blue Reef aquarium earlier this week. Passing myself off as ‘Mr Grant’s Wart Removal Technician’ I gained entry, and this is what I discovered…
I think I know what’s been going on now.
Greenback has known all season that, at some point, he was going to be asked to replace Paul Hart as manager. It’s one of the worst kept secrets of all time. Right up there with Tom Cruise’s homosexuality. However, with this knowledge came responsibility. When he became manager, he was going to have to improve Pompey’s form.
Knowing that his squad wasn’t anywhere near good enough to stay up on their own, and given that he is an super-villain with a lair, an evil crow assistant, and more than a few masterplans up his sleeve, Greenback got to work on a couple of ideas he’d had to improve his team’s performance. The first of these was injecting a ‘Striker’s Serum’ into Aruna Dindane, in the hope that the Ivorian would end up scoring a bucket load of goals. As you’ll remember, it started with a hat-trick, and ended with a threesome. It turned out that the ‘Scoring Serum’ wasn’t specific to football, and the Baron was forced to abandon Dindane’s regular injections after the goals dried up.
Now though, it looks as though Greenback has a new concept to use. A footballing aid called ‘The Invisible Handball’. Basically it is a specially designed synthetic forearm and hand combination that, when attached to a footballer, is completely invisible to the referee and his assistants. It means that a footballer can control, dribble, and even score a goal with their hand, and the officials will not see any offence.
The prototype was tested by Greenback’s father (Earl Greenback) during the 1986 World Cup in Mexico, on a certain young Argentinean by the name of Diego Maradona. It worked brilliantly during a match against England, but after Maradona refused to remove his new hand because he saw it as a good way to get cocaine past customs officials, Earl Greenback abandoned the experiment. Now, in the knowledge that he’ll be taking over such a poorly equipped Premier League team, Greenback Junior has resurrected it.
The product was tested last week on France Captain (and shaving enthusiast) Thierry Henry, and Wigan utility man (and Austrian style icon) Paul Scharner. On both occasions (as mentioned above) the protagonists used their new hand to score via an unfathomably dodgy handball. This obviously means that ‘The Invisible Handball’ passed its test with flying colours. There is, however, no word on either player having become a coke-mule for an underground gang of Colombians since their match. I’ll keep you posted though.
As ever, Baron Greenback looks on from his office as his evil crow henchman prepares to remove the hand from Scharner, in order to get it attached to Ivorian science experiment Dindane, and ready for this weekend’s visit of Manchester United. So, if you see a dodgy handball from young Aruna this Saturday, you’ll now know why the referee allowed play to continue.
It also seems that MI5 are also suspicious of Greenback’s activities (perhaps they read the blocked plane toilets atricle too), as they sent one of their agents into his lair on the day I was conducting my investigation. However, after failing to desguise himself, and following a cliché-filled chat in the Baron’s office, the vodka martini drinking agent ‘fell’ through a trap-door (that just happened to randomly open below his feet) and into a pool of sharks with freekin’ lazerrrs attached to them. He never stood a chance.
So, whether you’re worried about Portsmouth’s new ability to score goals, the possibility that you might have to cleanse your nether regions like a Frenchman in the near future, or just the concerned about the prospect of reading yet another article dedicated to a cartoon character lookalike, it is clear that this man must be stopped.
Where the hell is Danger Mouse when you need him, eh? Let’s hope that he has suffered the same fate as this little chap…