Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘United Kingdom’

Messi: Subway, McDonalds and Pret are fast food’s best

Posted by eddiev18 on March 16, 2012

Messi: Take heed and ye shall see the light

Barcelona’s Lionel Messi today named his top three fast food restaurants as Subway, McDonalds and UK sandwich chain Prêt A Manger.

The announcement was Messi’s second revelation in as many days, increasing speculation that he has begun pandering to a worryingly large proportion of the United Kingdom who, in the absence of any discernible English talent, now see him as some sort of God-like prophet.

Ben Dwayne, from Rotherham, reasoned: “This man is clearly not of this world. He is a miracle, I tell you, and a time will come when he will pass judgment on us all.  We must prepare for this moment and take heed of his words today.

“We are a simple people. All we want is guidance – answers to the important questions life poses.

“Who is the best player in our humble league? Where should I have my lunch? What is the best iphone app? Shit like that.

“Lionel will guide us though the shadowy pitfalls and into the light.”

Widespread hysteria following Messi’s comments has led to the Argentine declaring that he will reveal a new ‘top three’ every day for the foreseeable future.

Future words of guidance will range from the top three tracks to play when stuck in a traffic jam to a trio of ways to kill a crocodile with your bare hands.

A spokesman for Cristiano Ronaldo reacted: “He’s doing what now?! Oh, for christ’s sake, so now he’s supposed to be some sort of all-knowing deity is he?

“It’s ridiculous, especially given that he still hasn’t proved he can do it on a cold January evening in Stoke.

“Oh, and he’s shit at headers too.”

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Rooney apologises to Britain for impending summer of hair-related tedium

Posted by eddiev18 on June 6, 2011

A moron, reading a magazine for morons

Wayne Rooney has today publically apologised for having a hair transplant, admitting that he never considered how it could affect the lives of normal people like you and me.

The England striker said in a statement: “You can’t polish a turd, but you can certainly make it a bit prettier by tying a bow around it and sprinkling on a bit of glitter. That’s all I was after with the hair transplant.

“I am saddened to discover that the people of the United Kingdom will now be subjected to weeks and weeks of insipid hair-related coverage that they are completely unable to avoid. I can only apologise for this.”

Heat magazine – taking the lead in said coverage, and ignoring the fact that most hair transplants resemble a dead chinchilla on the back of an alpaca – have confirmed that next week’s ‘Rooney Has Hair!’ special will predictably include a full page spread of the Manchester United striker sporting various celebrity hairstyles.

Heat reader Sharon Slapface, from Essex, can’t wait: “OMG! FYI, I just cannot wait to log on to Heat World (NBF!) and, you know, like, goss about his new style! I think he should go for the Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt is such a love rat, but he’s so hot! Whoop!”

Former tabloid journalist Joe Corrigan believes that today’s coverage is merely the tip of an entire iceberg of utter pointlessness.

“In the next couple of weeks we will be fed a diet of unflattering front-page photographs of Wayne and Coleen on holiday, alongside desperate attempts to engage you in online discussions with the sort of morons who enjoy The Only Way Is Essex.

“Oh, and The One Show will be interviewing a dog that has the same shaped head as Rooney, or something.

“Anyway, after a few weeks the media will decide that his hair transplant actually looks a bit shit, and will tell you to add it to all the other reasons you have for hating him – notably,  ‘he shags prostitutes and he cheats on his wife’. All of which are obviously entirely your business.”

Corrigan warns: “It’s all going to be horribly tedious, and I fully expect the nation’s average IQ to have dropped drastically by the end of the summer.”

Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that the government is monitoring the situation, but stressed that those most vulnerable to being affected by the inanity of the impending coverage should also be intelligent enough to avoid most of it.

“Yes, there exists a concern that intelligent people could be left severely brain damaged by excessive exposure to something so asinine. Thankfully though, only the mentally retarded buy things like The Mirror and Now! magazine – and obviously they’re already fucked.

“Everyone else should be alright. Just be careful what you pick up in the waiting room when you visit the dentist.”

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