Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Venky’s’

Yakubu dedicates goals to fatties everywhere

Posted by eddiev18 on September 17, 2011

Feed the Yak and he will score

Blackburn striker Yakubu responded to recent speculation that he’d been spending too much time at the Pizza Hut buffet in spectacular fashion today, when he scored twice in Blackburn’s 4-3 win over Arsenal.

After the game, the Nigerian wheezed: “Once I’d run off the massive stitch I got in the first five minutes I was bang up for it.

“To be honest, I really hope those goals serve to shut a few people up.

“I’m happy to admit that being offered all the fried chicken I could eat played rather a large part in my decision to come here, but I think I’ve shown today that you don’t have to be a size zero to play this game.”

Blackburn manager Steve Kean reckons his striker is a fantastic role model to youngsters who could do with losing a few pounds: “Little ruddy-cheeked podgsters all over the country will have seen Yak’s performance today and gone, ‘if a lard-arse like him can cut it in the Premier League then why can’t I play for my school’s under 9s?’.

“He’s an inspiration.”

The Nigerian’s self confidence left Weight Watchers prisoner Joe Meldley feeling empowered: “Damn it, the Yak is right! I don’t need to sit on my sofa sobbing into this pot of cottage cheese. I’m big, you hear me?

“There you go, I said it! I’m big, and I’m proud. Screw this Ryvita, I’m ordering a Dominoes.”

Annoyingly it was Gok Wan who had the final word on this story, when he said this: “What has the Yak shown us today? That’s right girlfriends, you don’t have to be thin to bang it in.

“It’s all about the confidence ladies, and this perfectly formed piece of rump is massively workin’ it.”

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EXCLUSIVE: Redundancies not necessary in NOTW football department

Posted by eddiev18 on July 10, 2011

Blind monkeys 'could do the job if needed'

The levels of unemployment caused by the closure of News Of The World will not be as high as first anticipated, after it emerged that all of the paper’s football news is written by a computer called ‘TIM’.

The ‘Tabloid Imitation Machine’ serves almost all of Britain’s tabloid newspapers, using a unique algorithm to churn out an inhuman quantity of tiresome daily transfer gossip during football’s two annual transfer windows.

TIM’s inventor, a 10 year old child from Rotherham, explains its simplicity: “Look, it’s so fucking formulaic. Even a blind monkey with a broken crayon could do it.

“You just do two things – generate a list of players who you have decided are available for transfer, and then simply find out which clubs have a new billionaire owner.

“Once you’ve done that, it’s easy. Pick a club, pick a player, buff it out with a load of meaningless words and you’re done.

“You can see why you don’t actually need a journalist for the job. My computer pumps out four stories a minute, and can work for ten hours solid without once attempting to tap Colleen Rooney’s phone or knock off at 3pm to go to the pub.

“Plus – with its list of classic non-commital tabloid words and phrases such as ‘our sources suggest’, ‘it is understood’, ‘could’, ‘may’ and ‘rumoured to be’ – every story that TIM produces will have the quintessential tabloid stench of fabricated horse manure.”

Still waiting for some decent players to arrive, Blackburn Rovers fan George O’Keef isn’t a fan of TIM’s journalism: “This year my club was taken over by some Indians who claimed to have made loads of money from selling chicken wings or something.

“Based on such claims, you can see why the tabloid machine started churning out stories linking us with the world’s top players.

“However, I can’t help but think that – before lazily linking us to every player under the sun – a real journalist would have first checked to see if the owners were telling the truth. I mean, how much money can you really make out of selling a chicken?

TIM’s inventor scoffs at such claims: “I’m sorry, but the term ‘real journalist’ has never – and will never – be applicable to the tabloid press.”

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