Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘Wayne Rooney’

Messi: Subway, McDonalds and Pret are fast food’s best

Posted by eddiev18 on March 16, 2012

Messi: Take heed and ye shall see the light

Barcelona’s Lionel Messi today named his top three fast food restaurants as Subway, McDonalds and UK sandwich chain Prêt A Manger.

The announcement was Messi’s second revelation in as many days, increasing speculation that he has begun pandering to a worryingly large proportion of the United Kingdom who, in the absence of any discernible English talent, now see him as some sort of God-like prophet.

Ben Dwayne, from Rotherham, reasoned: “This man is clearly not of this world. He is a miracle, I tell you, and a time will come when he will pass judgment on us all.  We must prepare for this moment and take heed of his words today.

“We are a simple people. All we want is guidance – answers to the important questions life poses.

“Who is the best player in our humble league? Where should I have my lunch? What is the best iphone app? Shit like that.

“Lionel will guide us though the shadowy pitfalls and into the light.”

Widespread hysteria following Messi’s comments has led to the Argentine declaring that he will reveal a new ‘top three’ every day for the foreseeable future.

Future words of guidance will range from the top three tracks to play when stuck in a traffic jam to a trio of ways to kill a crocodile with your bare hands.

A spokesman for Cristiano Ronaldo reacted: “He’s doing what now?! Oh, for christ’s sake, so now he’s supposed to be some sort of all-knowing deity is he?

“It’s ridiculous, especially given that he still hasn’t proved he can do it on a cold January evening in Stoke.

“Oh, and he’s shit at headers too.”

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Rooney apologises to Britain for impending summer of hair-related tedium

Posted by eddiev18 on June 6, 2011

A moron, reading a magazine for morons

Wayne Rooney has today publically apologised for having a hair transplant, admitting that he never considered how it could affect the lives of normal people like you and me.

The England striker said in a statement: “You can’t polish a turd, but you can certainly make it a bit prettier by tying a bow around it and sprinkling on a bit of glitter. That’s all I was after with the hair transplant.

“I am saddened to discover that the people of the United Kingdom will now be subjected to weeks and weeks of insipid hair-related coverage that they are completely unable to avoid. I can only apologise for this.”

Heat magazine – taking the lead in said coverage, and ignoring the fact that most hair transplants resemble a dead chinchilla on the back of an alpaca – have confirmed that next week’s ‘Rooney Has Hair!’ special will predictably include a full page spread of the Manchester United striker sporting various celebrity hairstyles.

Heat reader Sharon Slapface, from Essex, can’t wait: “OMG! FYI, I just cannot wait to log on to Heat World (NBF!) and, you know, like, goss about his new style! I think he should go for the Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt is such a love rat, but he’s so hot! Whoop!”

Former tabloid journalist Joe Corrigan believes that today’s coverage is merely the tip of an entire iceberg of utter pointlessness.

“In the next couple of weeks we will be fed a diet of unflattering front-page photographs of Wayne and Coleen on holiday, alongside desperate attempts to engage you in online discussions with the sort of morons who enjoy The Only Way Is Essex.

“Oh, and The One Show will be interviewing a dog that has the same shaped head as Rooney, or something.

“Anyway, after a few weeks the media will decide that his hair transplant actually looks a bit shit, and will tell you to add it to all the other reasons you have for hating him – notably,  ‘he shags prostitutes and he cheats on his wife’. All of which are obviously entirely your business.”

Corrigan warns: “It’s all going to be horribly tedious, and I fully expect the nation’s average IQ to have dropped drastically by the end of the summer.”

Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that the government is monitoring the situation, but stressed that those most vulnerable to being affected by the inanity of the impending coverage should also be intelligent enough to avoid most of it.

“Yes, there exists a concern that intelligent people could be left severely brain damaged by excessive exposure to something so asinine. Thankfully though, only the mentally retarded buy things like The Mirror and Now! magazine – and obviously they’re already fucked.

“Everyone else should be alright. Just be careful what you pick up in the waiting room when you visit the dentist.”

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A Face I’d Like To Smack – Joey Barton

Posted by eddiev18 on October 19, 2009

Barton: Coward

Barton: Nasty piece of work

Resisting the temptation to write a ‘humourous’ quip about a beach ball, and how everyone in Liverpool is looking for a young man with a blurred-out face, I have instead decided to share with you my dislike for Premier League (now Championship) ‘bad-boy’ Joey Barton.

The thing is, I don’t actually have a problem with the idea of the ‘bad-boy’ footballer. Players such as Cantona, Ince, Keane, Vieira and co. were always towing the line between what is acceptable on the field, and what is not. And when they occasionally did cross the line, they were punished for it.

However, with the exception of Keane’s horror-tackle on Alf Inge Haaland, Vieira’s penchant for gobbing, and Cantona’s kung-fu kick (which I bloody loved!) these were the guys that set the example for the rest of the team to look up to. They were characters. Hated losing. Their motto appeared to be ‘Win at all costs, and if you get the odd red card along the way, that’s just a sacrifice you have to make’.

Like I said, I’m fine with that. I think the main problem Joey Barton has is that he desperately wants people to respect him in the same way that the aforementioned players were respected, but he appears to have missed the crucial point. Those players were all fantastic footballers first, and ‘hardman’ characters second. Joey Barton just wants to be a hardman.

He isn’t hard though. Earlier I read through all of the incidents that he has been involved in during his career, and they all read like a rap sheet of a scared little boy – stabbing a cigar out in someone’s face at a party, kicking a team-mate in the head in training, attacking a 16 year old boy whilst on tour with Man City, and then viciously attacking another 16 year old boy on a night out in Liverpool.

Add to that his complete disrespect for the majority of authority figures at his various clubs, and basically you have just one aggressive and very nasty overgrown brat. The attack on the Liverpool teenager, that earned him a six month jail sentence, can be seen below. It’s so incredibly mindless, it may as well have been lifted from depressing satellite TV show ‘Booze Britain’.

I don’t buy into the sob stories either, the people that say ‘oh, but he came from a rough council estate in Liverpool’. So did Wayne Rooney. However, Rooney learned very quickly from the advice given to him by his manager that he could channel all that aggression to his boots, and just look where that has got him. Rage channelled into his boots is certainly behind the best goal of his Manchester United career. Barton’s problem is that he just doesn’t want to listen. He’s convinced himself that everyone else is wrong, and he is right. The world is against him, and he’s going to fight it.

It’s pathetic. He’s had the chance that thousands of kids with similar backgrounds would love. An opportunity that can positively change your life, and the lives of everyone else around you. At this point I’d say that he needs to grow up and start smelling reality. However, the reality is that he needed to grow up three years ago. Now, he’s like the boy who cried wolf, no-one believes that he wants to change his ways. He’s made the claim far too many times.

I don’t think anyone out there can argue that Barton needs a big smack around his pea-brained little head. In fact, I’m abandoning the Lee Bowyer Smackablomator this week, and have instead rated his smackability myself. This is for Jamie Tandy, Ousmane Dabo, Dickson Etuhu, Gabriel Agbonlahor, Alan Shearer, the two boys he assaulted, and pretty much everyone else he’s attacked or offended in such a heinously cowardly fashion over the years.

LeeBowyerRating5

Joey Barton. Please take your smacking, and go away. For good.

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Ultimate Elevens – Mark Tinklin’s XI

Posted by eddiev18 on March 21, 2009

Here’s Mark Tinklin’s Ultimate XI. Let him know what you think of it!

‘You’ve got red on you’ was my first reaction to seeing Mark’s Ultimate Eleven and, as a Manchester United fan, it’s no surprise to see the core of his team consisting of a vast array of Red Devils, both past and present. With a hard-working midfield, and a solid defence, it is very difficult to see this lot conceding many goals, and when you’ve got the ability of Kaka and Rooney up front, they’d be sure to score a fair few too. My only comment would be that, with no real aerial threat in attack, Beckham’s greatest strength (his crossing) may not be capitalised on as much as it could be. I feel I may well be nitpicking though, as it’s a fantastic team.

Mark explains his selections below. Make sure you tell him what you think of his team by commenting below and, if you feel you have a better Ultimate Eleven up your sleeve, send it to me at eddiesfootballblog@hotmail.co.uk. I will put as many of them up on the site as possible. Before you do though, please read the criteria here.


marktinklinsultimateeleven

Goalkeeper: Peter Schmeichel – Peter Schmeichel – The best keeper there has ever been. Made some ridiculous reaction saves and dominated his penalty area. He had a unique style and the way he spread himself owed much to his handball heritage. Strikers must have been terrified at the sight of the giant Dane charging down on them. A hero that defied logic with his agility and even scored the odd goal.

Right Back: Micah Richards – When he burst onto the scene a couple of years ago I thought he’d be the best full-back there is, but after declaring he wants to be centre-back he’s struggled to make the same impact this season. At his best he is a mix of power, energy, pace and talent and if he can rediscover his best form then he will be England’s first choice right-back for years to come.

Centre Half: Pepe – I didn’t really know much about the Real Madrid centre-back before the Euros but was very impressed with what I saw. Another who, like Ferdinand, is comfortable on the ball making him the natural successor to Jorge Andrade in the Portugal team.

Centre Half: Rio Ferdinand – Another world great. I can’t thing of a better defender in the world than Rio at the moment. Seems to get places faster with less effort than anyone else because his positioning is so good. He’s very confident too and often doesn’t mark very tight because he knows that whatever the attacker does, he’ll be there to make the tackle.

Left Back: Dennis Irwin – Gets in the team ahead of Patrice Evra which is praise in its self. Very reliable and a fantastic striker of the ball. I saw him play in a Masters match at Craven Cottage (great pies) and waited all game for him to have a shot at goal or a freekick. Eventually he took a penalty in a shoot-out at the end of the game and didn’t disappoint, smashing the ball into the top corner with consummate ease and class.

Right Wing: David Beckham – Underrated by the British public because of all his off field activities Beckham was my favourite player as a kid. Hardworking but with great technique he has shown his quality by starring at Real Madrid and AC Milan. He came second in the European Player of the Year stakes when Manchester United won the treble and scored some great goals, including a screamer against Derby County. Becks did the best thing on a football pitch I have ever seen when he curled a pass down the touchline against Sheffield Wednesday at Old Trafford.

Centre Midfield: Patrick Vieira – For my obligatory defensive midfielder I have gone for the frighteningly good Patrick Vieria. Much, much better than that Makalele character could ever be. He could do it all and would boss the midfield for Arsenal. Strong in the tackle, but also very good running with the ball the Gunners still haven’t been able to replace him since he left. Saying that when I saw him play he was marked out of the game by Phil Neville.

Centre Midfield: Paul Scholes – Almost every player who plays with Paul Scholes rates him as the best. Technically superb, intelligent and capable of scoring wonderful goals – see Barcelona last year and that volley against Bradford. In one Charity Shield game a couple of years back he turned Gilberto Silva with such speed and agility that the Brazilian fell over. Then he did it again. Scholes sees passes that other players don’t and is good enough to make them.

Left Wing: Cristiano Ronaldo – The best player in the world, Cristiano Ronaldo is the ultimate example of the modern footballer. Tall, powerful, and strong but blessed with amazing ability. His step overs are well known but he has improved as a player immeasurably since learning that he can use his pace to simply run past people. Scored a supreme number of goals last season and can only get better.

Attacking Midfield: Kaka – While his Brazilian team-mates enjoy showing off their skills and tricks Kaka is simply better than almost everyone else. He scored the greatest goal I’ve been fortunate to watch in the flesh when, in a friendly against Argentina at the Emirates, he took the ball on the edge of his own penalty area and ran the length of the pitch to score. Made the right decision in turning down Manchester City but should stop giving God all the credit for his success.

Striker: Wayne Rooney – I first became aware of Rooney when he scored a sensational goal for the Everton youth team in the FA Youth Cup. He hit the wall from a freekick 40 yards out and promptly volleyed home the rebound. Wazza scored what is probably my favourite ever goal when he smashed in a flying volley against Newcastle.

Let Mark know what you think of his team, by commenting below. If you can think of your own ‘Ultimate XI’, send it to me at eddiesfootballblog@hotmail.co.uk. I will put as many of them up on the site as possible. Before you do though, please read the criteria here.

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