Eddie's Football Blog

A bizarre look at the world of football, since 2008

Posts Tagged ‘World Football’

Messi: Subway, McDonalds and Pret are fast food’s best

Posted by eddiev18 on March 16, 2012

Messi: Take heed and ye shall see the light

Barcelona’s Lionel Messi today named his top three fast food restaurants as Subway, McDonalds and UK sandwich chain Prêt A Manger.

The announcement was Messi’s second revelation in as many days, increasing speculation that he has begun pandering to a worryingly large proportion of the United Kingdom who, in the absence of any discernible English talent, now see him as some sort of God-like prophet.

Ben Dwayne, from Rotherham, reasoned: “This man is clearly not of this world. He is a miracle, I tell you, and a time will come when he will pass judgment on us all.  We must prepare for this moment and take heed of his words today.

“We are a simple people. All we want is guidance – answers to the important questions life poses.

“Who is the best player in our humble league? Where should I have my lunch? What is the best iphone app? Shit like that.

“Lionel will guide us though the shadowy pitfalls and into the light.”

Widespread hysteria following Messi’s comments has led to the Argentine declaring that he will reveal a new ‘top three’ every day for the foreseeable future.

Future words of guidance will range from the top three tracks to play when stuck in a traffic jam to a trio of ways to kill a crocodile with your bare hands.

A spokesman for Cristiano Ronaldo reacted: “He’s doing what now?! Oh, for christ’s sake, so now he’s supposed to be some sort of all-knowing deity is he?

“It’s ridiculous, especially given that he still hasn’t proved he can do it on a cold January evening in Stoke.

“Oh, and he’s shit at headers too.”

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Great Football Speeches, digitally remastered by Darth Vader

Posted by eddiev18 on October 19, 2011

#1 Kevin Keegan would ‘love it’

The decision to run a series of great football speeches digitally remastered by Darth Vader was a pretty easy one. However, deciding which speech should be the Dark Lord of the Sith’s first assignment was even easier.

Everyone remembers this explosion by Kevin Keegan. He was so angry that he actually made less sense than the plot to Hollyoaks. I mean, what does ‘when you do things like that about a man like Stuart Pearce’ actually mean?

Take it away Darth…



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Yakubu dedicates goals to fatties everywhere

Posted by eddiev18 on September 17, 2011

Feed the Yak and he will score

Blackburn striker Yakubu responded to recent speculation that he’d been spending too much time at the Pizza Hut buffet in spectacular fashion today, when he scored twice in Blackburn’s 4-3 win over Arsenal.

After the game, the Nigerian wheezed: “Once I’d run off the massive stitch I got in the first five minutes I was bang up for it.

“To be honest, I really hope those goals serve to shut a few people up.

“I’m happy to admit that being offered all the fried chicken I could eat played rather a large part in my decision to come here, but I think I’ve shown today that you don’t have to be a size zero to play this game.”

Blackburn manager Steve Kean reckons his striker is a fantastic role model to youngsters who could do with losing a few pounds: “Little ruddy-cheeked podgsters all over the country will have seen Yak’s performance today and gone, ‘if a lard-arse like him can cut it in the Premier League then why can’t I play for my school’s under 9s?’.

“He’s an inspiration.”

The Nigerian’s self confidence left Weight Watchers prisoner Joe Meldley feeling empowered: “Damn it, the Yak is right! I don’t need to sit on my sofa sobbing into this pot of cottage cheese. I’m big, you hear me?

“There you go, I said it! I’m big, and I’m proud. Screw this Ryvita, I’m ordering a Dominoes.”

Annoyingly it was Gok Wan who had the final word on this story, when he said this: “What has the Yak shown us today? That’s right girlfriends, you don’t have to be thin to bang it in.

“It’s all about the confidence ladies, and this perfectly formed piece of rump is massively workin’ it.”

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Aston Villa publically submit transfer request on behalf of Emile Heskey

Posted by eddiev18 on July 22, 2011

Heskey: Yeah, he's still playing Premier League football...

Aston Villa today publicly submitted a transfer request on behalf of Emile Heskey, claiming that their ambition exceeds the talent at the disposal of the former England striker.

In an interview with Croatian newspaper Sportske Novosti the midlands club are reported to have said: “Frankly we feel disappointed that Emile hasn’t buggered off yet.

“Last summer we made a gentleman’s agreement that if a club matching his natural talent came in for him, then he wouldn’t stop us from trying to get him off our books. Naturally we are therefore extremely disappointed to hear that he has chosen to reject today’s offer from Rochdale.”

Villa fan John Yeates is a bit pissed off about it all: “In “In dendrological terms, Emile Heskey is an old Oak – large and looming, a wooden presence that apparently takes a fucking age to move when you’ve had enough of it.

“Analogies aside though, a football club really cannot win these days. If a Premier League player manages to take a break from shagging Page 3 birds long enough to actually play an acceptable few games of football, all the club seems to get in return is a few grumblings from the player about ambition, and a public flirtation with the first Russian bloke to throw him an extra wheelbarrow of gold.

“On the flip side, if the player turns to shit and becomes the bench warming equivalent of Bill Cosby’s zombie, the fucker still hangs around collecting his wages like some sort of expensive eggy fart. You have to question where that supposed ambition went to, don’t you?”

Heskey defended his stance on Twitter: “Look, as I have said many times in the past, I am trying to build for the future and staying on a wage that in no way matches my footballing ability is essential to that.

“I will not be sold this summer.”

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Sky Sports News: Look, it’s a saga because we tell you it is, ok?

Posted by eddiev18 on July 19, 2011

The Grant Nostril Saga: Will he or won't he?

Sky Sports News today announced that the word ‘saga’ means whatever the hell they want it to mean, and if football fans didn’t like it they could simply switch to another channel.

The 24-hour sports channel – once described as ‘like having the Sun shouted at you by two robots dressed as bankers’ – was responding to criticism that their continued exaggeration of mundane sports stories via the irresponsible mis-use of supporting vocabulary,  has been ruining the lives of stupid people who now think that absolutely everything is an outrageously exciting ‘saga’.

Proving the point, George Franks – who has been watching Sky Sports News avidly since the season ended on the 22nd May – was asked what had actually happened in the 58 days he has spent glued to his sofa.

“Oh, it’s all been kicking off hasn’t it?! There was the time that a man with moustache spent a day outside White Hart Lane to catch a glimpse of Luka Modric walking through a door. What a moment in the saga that was, eh?!

“What else? Oh yeah, there was the time that the bloke with the big chin brought up a picture of Wesley Sneijder on his flashy touch screen and revealed that the saga involving him joining United could be nearing a conclusion. Sky sources revealed.

“It turns out they made the whole thing up, but it kept me up all night eating Pop-Tarts waiting for the ‘Breaking News’ that was always promised every half hour after the ad breaks.

“It’s true though, I do find it hard not to turn everything into a saga these days. I can’t make breakfast without an internal commentary breaking the news that my slice of Warburton’s Seeded Batch ‘has made a dramatic move to join Toast FC on a short term contract’.

“My girlfirend has left me of course. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have broken the news on Twitter that ‘the blowjob deal had finally been agreed’.”

A Sky spokesman was unashamed of the channel’s tactics: “Sky Sports News is one of our flagship stations, and it is absolutely ghastly isn’t it?

“However, it’s a fantastic money spinner. We have learnt that if you persistently drip-feed thick people with “BREAKING NEWS” exclusives every 15 minutes, then they will happily accept spending 90% of their time watching goals from League Two and boring press conferences with Rotherham’s new assistant manager.

“They will certainly not change the channel, and frankly we don’t really care if the Oxford English Dictionary doesn’t deem Cesc Fabregas buying a pint of milk as ‘another chapter in the ongoing saga’.  We say it is, so it is. That’s the end of it.

“Although being a saga it obviously isn’t…”

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Article tediously compares two Portuguese men with nice hair

Posted by eddiev18 on June 22, 2011

The Portuguese man with nice hair, earlier today

Today a Portuguese man with nice hair will become manager of Chelsea, and this article will attempt to convince you how similar he is to another Portuguese man with nice hair.

The first of the comparisons comes here – in the second paragraph – when the article tells you that neither of the Portuguese men with nice hair were any good at playing football, but instead became interested in the ‘science of coaching’.

The third paragraph will attempt to cram in as many other comparisons as it can, undoubtedly mentioning the tagline ‘student of the game’, and probably then reminding you that both men won the same two trophies with the same team. The article will choose to forget that it also once told you that Aidy Boothroyd was a ‘student of the game’. You probably won’t though.

By the time the fourth paragraph has begun, the article will simply be unable to contain itself any longer – unceremoniously blurting out its first ‘Special One’ reference. However, the article now needs to back up such claims, so here are some quotes from a groundsman who used to lovingly watch the Portuguese man with nice hair from a distance when he was manager of some third division club who didn’t even have corner flags.

“My role in this article is to back up the bold claims already made, by telling you that he used to ask me to video tape all of our opponents, and then sit for hours staring at the moon for spiritual enlightenment. Then I’ll say some stuff like, ‘he was destined to succeed from a very young age’ and he ‘commanded respect, which was strange for someone so young.”

At this point the article will hope you’ve got the fucking message, but will give it one more push with the use of the unadventurous nickname ‘The Special One Mark II’ – and in doing so neatly summarise its entire tedious purpose in one fell swoop.

You will then regurgitate the whole thing to your mates in the pub, making it sound like you knew who this hell this bloke was in the first place.

Which you didn’t, and admittedly still don’t.

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EXCLUSIVE: Champions League Final was actually just an online game of Fifa 11

Posted by eddiev18 on May 31, 2011

Messi: Controlled by Japanese teenager

Football fans all over the United Kingdom today woke up to the news that Saturday night’s Champions League Final was actually just a live game of Fifa 11 between a Japanese teenager and a 69 year old alcoholic pensioner.

Milllions of viewers tuned in to watch what they thought was a masterclass from Pep Guardiola’s men, only to realise later that they had actually just witnessed 14 year old Yoshio Takanawa wiping the floor of Maureen Turner from Aberdeen on Xbox Live.

United fan Kevin Wilmott was one of the few viewers who spotted the mix-up: “We all know how good Barcelona are, but that was just too fucking easy. In the second half I remember saying to my mate that it was like watching some Japanese whizz-kid play my granny at FIFA. It turns out I was pretty much bang on.

“What gave it away though, was a manouvre from Messi on 65 minutes that can only be achieved via the combo ‘b + ^ + L + select’. Human beings simply cannot phisically do that, and then follow it by beating four defenders – it was clearly a game of FIFA.”

Mrs Turner wasn’t too bothered by the defeat, and admits that she’s not much of a gamer: “My grandson Charlie was playing on his computer thingy, and I asked him if I could have a go. I chose Manchester United because David Beckham plays for them, doesn’t he? He’s a charming fellow.

“Anyway, I didn’t do very well. You see, I’d already had a few whiskeys and kept pressing pass when I meant to press shoot. Actually, now I remember it, we only scored our goal when I went for a refill and gave the controller back to Charlie.”

An ITV spokesman admitted that someone must have plugged in the wrong live output feed but – whilst they were sorry – the actual final (which Barcelona scraped 1-0) was nowhere near as exciting.

“Look, whether it’s the patronising tones of Jim Beglin, the employment of Andy Townsend, or simply the way we cut to an advert just before your team scores an important goal, ITV is renown for screwing up your enjoyment of important football matches.

“You’re just going to have to get used to it, ok?

“Plus, our mistake on Saturday resulted in millions of people witnessing the sort performance that a team of humans could only dream of relpicating. Yoshio was magnificent.

“Ok, I accept that dismantling a team controlled by a 69 year old Scottish drunk was never going to be much of a challenge, but you simply have to applaud the skill with which it was done.”

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Mourinho: Real Madrid must sponsor Battersea Dogs & Cats Home

Posted by eddiev18 on April 29, 2011

There is absolutely, positively, no way that I would even think about diving for a penalty ref...

Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho today told the club’s board that the only way to compete with rivals Barcelona is to replace their current shirt sponsor with a picture of a cute kitten or puppy.

In the aftermath of Wednesday’s defeat, Mourinho suggested that the number of refereeing decisions that go in Barcelona’s favour is almost certainly connected to the Catalan club’s unique sponsorship deal with UNICEF, and certainly not just another one of his conspiracy theories.

“I accept that officiating a football match in which all 22 players consistently cheat and angrily disagree with pretty much every decision you make must be a very difficult job. All I’m saying is that, faced with so much dishonesty, who are you going to believe? The player sporting the logo of an evil gambling company, or the player whose shirt basically says ‘every time we fail, a child dies’?

“I have to credit Barcelona for discovering such an innovative method of gamesmanship but, now that we know it works, it’s time for us to get involved.”

If the board sanction Mourinho’s plan, then the famous Real Madrid shirt would carry a weekly photo of the cutest animals that Battersea has to offer, along with the caption ‘Don’t let me go hungry’ in the native language of the match referee.

“Yeah, that’s the key”, chortled Mourinho. “We’d arrange everything to make sure that our donation is sent to Battersea only when we win, which gives the referee a serious moral dilemma when deciding major incidents. This may well help us close the gap.”

Madrid fan Luis Sanchez welcomes the move: “Fuck it, why not give it a try? Look, we all know that Real Madrid will never in a million years have the level of patience and unity that Barcelona have shown to enable them to develop such a brilliant team. That’s just not how we roll. Our thing is spending shitloads of money on marquee signings and, you know, just sort of hoping it works out. This is why I am pleased to see our manager focussing on things that he can change, like guilt-tripping the ref.”

When asked whether he truly believes the accusations he has made concerning Barcelona, or whether they are simply a result of his inability to graciously accept defeat, Mourinho was adamant – donning a pair of dark sunglasses and saying: “Look, I’m trying to free your mind. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”

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Microsoft Paint Stories Of The Week – World Cup Looks West

Posted by eddiev18 on December 8, 2009

Charlize Theron: Acting The Idiot

You were probably one of them, but millions of people around the world tuned in to watch the 2010 World Cup draw on Friday, all holding their breath and praying for their nation not to get a place in the ‘Group Of Death’. For me though, it was all of a bit of an anti-climax.

To start with, after I overheard a group of people referring to the ‘Group Of Death’ with sheer terror in their voices, I had imagined a horrible fate awaiting the two teams who fail to escape the clutches of the group. More specifically, some sort of sacrifice to the Gods on Table Mountain. Apparently not though. Apparently the two teams just fly back home when they are knocked out. How rubbish is that? At the very least FIFA surely should dish out some form of humiliation. Perhaps they could make both teams go head-to-head on Takeshi’s Castle, or simply force every one of their players into to taking on a cameo role in an episode of Hollyoaks.

Anyway, that was my first disappointment. My second was the way the draw was conducted. Seeing as it was South Africa, I had imagined a more extravigant and dangerous occasion. Giraffes, trained to pick balls out of the mouths of lions. Rhinos juggling balls whilst riding unicycles. A draw-fixing scandal involving one of the South African cricketers. Stuff like that.

Not a bit of it. Instead, we had Charlize Theron (I assume attempting to mimic the potential dialogue of a girlfriend forced by her boyfriend to watch the draw) offering up some of the most atrocious acting of her career to date, as she went into airhead mode in a frankly horrendous half hour exchange with a generic Frenchman supplied by FIFA.

Brazil were drawn in what was being billed as the ‘Group Of Death’, alongside a rubbish Portuguese side that nearly didn’t qualify, an African team, and North Korea. It was the second time in an evening that the term ‘Group Of Death’ had failed to live up to my estimations.

Anyway, the above is just me warming you up to the idea of a Microsoft Paint Story Of The Week about the World Cup. If you’re interested, it’s also perhaps the longest introduction i’ve ever written. For anything. You’re probably not though, so i’ll cut to the chase.

About a week ago I heard that Plymouth and Bristol had launched ‘ambitious bids’ to be named as host cities for England’s bid for the 2018 World Cup. To say I was surprised to hear this would be an understatement.

The truth is, with the exception of a handful of ‘lower-league’ teams, the Westcountry has never really been taken that seriously as a football place. I guess it doesn’t help that most sporty kids from that part of the world are either plonked in a boat and told to go and catch dinner, or simply end up playing a game with a different shaped ball.

So, what does the Wescountry have to offer the visiting nations in 2018? To find out, I went down to Plymouth last week to see if I could steal some of the promotional material the two cities plan to use for their bid. Using a crafty Jethro disguise to get past security at Plymouth County Council’s head office, this is what I found…

What a joyous picture they have painted. FIFA see the World Cup as the coming together of nations, all united by football. It seems that the Westcountry not only intends to unite the world with football, but with everything else that that lovely part of England has at its disposal.

Cadbury's Caramel Bunny: Backing The Bid

North Korea will be able to set their worries of any ‘Group Of Death’ to one side, as they enjoy the musical stylings of bumpkin farmer-band The Wurzels. Apparently the ‘Combine Harvester’ singsters have become tremendously popular in the country during Kim Jong-il’s regime, mainly because there is no possible way in which a bunch of stinking farmers can be sexualised. If they qualify, it looks like the North Koreans are in for a treat come 2018.

The game of skittles will play its part too. For anyone who doesn’t know what skittles is, it can only be described as rustic ten pin bowling. However, unlike ten pin bowling, it is obligatory for the bowling surface to be as uneven as possible (a cow field will do), and you can’t play it unless you’ve drunk at least eight pints of ridiculously strong cider. In the poster you will see that Argentinian pocket-rocket Lionel Messi is getting a lesson from walking beard, and famous Westcountry TV presenter, Justin Lee Collins. Good times!

Talking of cider, in the true spirit of the World Cup (and having heard of his inability to drink alcohol without falling flat on his face), Ian Holloway has decided to take poor old Ledley King under his wing, in an attempt to teach him how to cope with his nan’s home-brew. Proper job!

However, the Westcountry isn’t all cider, skittles, and farm-related music. It can be extremely quaint and civilised too. The beautiful image of Kaka and Patrice Evra sharing a cream tea in the countryside is surely all the proof you need of that. Also with the Westcountry’s famous daughter, the Cadbury’s Caramel bunny, offering her experience and dulcid tones to the advertising campaign, the operation to get the nation on-side will be like taking candy from a baby.

So, come 2018, don’t be surprised if you find yourself watching the World Cup draw live from Plymouth. Perhaps Bill Bailey will be the host, with the groups being drawn via some sort of elaborate apple bobbing competition.

One can dream…

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Microsoft Paint Stories Of The Week – Aruna Dindane’s Transformation

Posted by eddiev18 on November 8, 2009

dindane

Pimp my striker: Aruna Dindane

As I have mentioned before, the wonderful blogging software I use to tap out the sort of rambling nonsense that you are about to put yourself through also offers me the ability to see ‘behind the scenes’. Unlike the extras on your ‘Transformers’ DVD though, this unfortunately does not allow me to see Megan Fox in her smalls, rolling around on a beach in the South Pacific. However, what it does allow me to do is to monitor the search terms that people use to get to my wonderous site of footballing irreverency.

This being the case, if you have seen my article’s title in your search results, and arrived here today expecting to read a peice dedicated to a new member of Optimus Prime’s robot gang, then I’m afraid that Google has let down in your quest this time. If however, you just wanted a picture of Megan Fox draped over a motorcycle, then feast your eyes on these apples!

Anyway, let’s have a bit of fun, and ensure that I get a regular stream of Transformers fans arriving here in disappointment. You see, I am told that Google Search works by making a note of keywords in the title and body of any given article, bumping your entry up the results list if you’ve mentioned the searched terms more than other sites have mentioned them. Considering this, and the fact that (including the title) there have already been six Transformers-related references (now there are seven) in the first three paragraphs of this article, I wonder what will happen if I do this…

Transformers! Revenge Of The Fallen! Optimus Prime! Robots hitting each other! Shia La Beouf is constantly in a panicked state! Michael Bay makes rubbish movies! Transformers! Robots in disguise!

Let’s see how that pans out then…

Anyway, those are the finer points out of the way, let’s move on to the main course of this banquet of insight. As I mentioned in my Premier League Predictions, last week I booked a train ticket for Eddie’s Football Blog‘s chief reporter to go down to Portsmouth and investigate why Pompey striker Aruna Dindane has suddenly become a player able to score a Premier League hat-trick.

You see, after the player’s frankly comical display against Spurs a few weeks back, where he showcased an array of finishing that would shock even Chris Iwelumo, I smelt a rat. You don’t just transform (see, I used that word again!) over night. What had happened to the Ivorian? Why had he suddenly started to find the back of the net instead of the car park?

As ever, our reporter was without any form of camera, so has had to resort to the pixel-perfect imagery that can only be offered by Microsoft Paint, in order to depict what he saw in Portsmouth that day. Below we can see his findings and the truth, I’m sure you’ll agree, really is shocking…

MSPaintStoryOfThe Week_arunadindane

You might need a minute to take all of that in. I know I certainly did. Deep breaths…

As you can see, our reporter must have tailed Dindane to the secret lair of Pompey Director Of Football Avram Grant (aka Baron Silas Greenback), which (as we previously discovered) he has set up in the city’s Blue Reef Aquarium. Since that discovery, it appears that (alongside plans to develop the club’s academy) he has also developed a concept he once saw in an Austin Powers movie a few years ago – namely, sharks with freakin’ lazers attached. What this means for mankind, I can only speculate. However, given that it has nothing to do with the Ivorian’s form, we better leave that to MI5 (or MI6. If i’m honest, I never really know which one is which).

So, why is little Aruna visiting the den of his evil super-villain boss? The truth is that Greenback has also devloped what he calls a ‘Striker’s Serum’. Initially he developed the serum to help him ‘score’ with women, as it became apparent that evil toad looking villains cannot pull girls, even on a night out in Portsmouth. However, upon testing his potion, it came to light that not only can it help a man score with women, but it can also help with scoring in every other sense of the word. The serum can make an individual become an expert at keeping a tally during darts matches in the pub, composing music and, most importantly in this case, hitting the onion bag on the football pitch.

It all makes sense now. Greenback, in a desperate attempt to keep Pompey up, has started injecting the Ivorian with a scientific concoction that is guaranteed to get him scoring goals. Like Big Sam’s masterplan, The Baron’s scheme surely cannot fail.

The picture shows club doctor Nigel Sellars readying Dindane for his latest shot of the good stuff. Greenback (who is watching on, cackling in delight, and sporting a grey suit he borrowed from his friend Dr. Evil) had hoped not to get any of the staff involved in the experiment, but ended up having to draft Sellars in after it emerged that his evil crow henchman was unable to administer an injection due to having a pair of wings and no opposable thumbs. It would have been a total mess, with needles and feathers everywhere. Plus, he’d done a bit of sight-seeing earlier in the week, and got stuck at the Tower of London after he was told that the building would fall down if he dared leave.

As ever with the masterplans of Baron Silas Greenback though, there is a problem. The serum doesn’t appear to be quite right. Having scored a hat-trick after his first dose, Dindane failed to hit the target during Saturday’s loss to Blackburn. However, he did end up waking up on Sunday morning with three Swedish underwear models in his bed. Technically then, he ‘scored’ successfully, but it just wasn’t the right type of scoring.

As a result, it looks like poor old Avram will have to go back to the drawing board, otherwise he might find that Dindane turns up to Pompey’s next match having composed a beautiful piano concerto, but is still unable to hit a cow’s backside with a banjo.

(Transformers, Robots In Disguise!)

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